Nice Nails!

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My six-year-old granddaughter arrived on Saturday clutching her make-up bag. Whist thrilled to see her I was somewhat concerned as to what might be about to happen. An old man with painted nails doesn’t seem to be an unusual sight at the pharmacy these days…

My granddaughter arrived with her makeup kit,
and I was told simply to ‘Sit!’
“Your nails are a mess they need some care,
once that’s done I’ll do your hair!” 
My nails were painted done quite well,
no varnish remover I sighed “Oh well!”
Off to the pharmacy for varnish remover
(could be rather a tricky manoeuvre).
The pharmacist smiled at the unusual sight:
“Is sir going somewhere special tonight?”


When I explained the nails he told me that his daughter used to put her grandfather’s hair into plaits! I asked him to whisper so that my granddaughter didn’t get any new ideas!

© Baldock Bard 2019
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
RETURNS AFTER 27 YEARS!
Buyers will still Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.ukIt is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD



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The Remaindered Hat!

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Being the age I am, I’m supposed to become ‘outraged’ at the drop of a hat. The other day when I was in a well-known shop looking for some winter attire before the ‘Beast From The East 2’ strikes, I spotted a child’s hat. At first glance it looked part of the ‘Hello Kitty’ range, on closer inspection it wasn’t. I was confused by the branding, little wonder it was remaindered…

Something’s about to hit the UK,
in which politicians have no say,
by the end of the week it’s said (at least),
a visitation of the ‘Beast from the East!’

So wrap up your kids warm,
when there’s chill in the city,
but beware of hats branded:
the Snow and the Titty?

Take care and wrap up warm. If anyone understands the branding of this hat, could they possibly enlighten me! 

© Baldock Bard 2019
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Twitter: @baldockbard

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Not Man-Flu!

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Nearly everyone I’ve met in the last week seems to have had a nasty cold. Some have had flu and some just feel under the weather. I suppose it serves me right for mocking the afflicted but yesterday I sniffled my way through an important meeting…

There’s a vicious lurgy,
that’s doing the rounds,
where did it come from?
Certainly fertile grounds!

It’s not because I missed the jab,
or because I’m very old,
judging by the sneezing,
looks like I’ve got a cold!

May you stay germ-free
I hope it doesn’t strike you,
from my perspective,
it’s worse that any man-flu!

Here’s hoping you stay healthy, wealthy and wise!

© Baldock Bard 2019
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
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Twitter: @baldockbard


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The Empty Glass!

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Since before Christmas I have written no verse. There are those who have wondered if I have been hiding on a small private island in the Caribbean without means of communication. Others have wondered if my fingers have frozen up in old age and I’m no longer able to use a keypad. The truth is that I took a sabbatical from Barding and enjoyed not having to worry about what to write! So welcome back to my 1,795th verse…

“Would seem my glass is empty,
been empty for some time,
would you be so kind as to fill it,
from the nearest bottle of wine?
What kind of host are you,
leave their guest’s glasses dry?
and while you pass the bottle,
I’ll have another small mince pie!”

With very best wishes for the New Year

© Baldock Bard 2019
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
RETURNS AFTER 27 YEARS!
First Saturday after Easter 2019
Buyers will still Park and Enter FREE!

www.u-boot.co.uk It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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The Premier Ploughman

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I have to admit that the one skill I always lacked on the farm was ploughing. My rather feeble excuse is that when I was training and during my early years in the industry, ploughing had fallen out of fashion and had been replaced by stubble burning and cultivators! However this doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate the skill shown by others…

Laurence is ploughing Hornbeam Field,
He spots the drone, he’s not thrilled!
He thinks that it’s been sent out to spy,
‘just want a good picture – that’s all’ says I.
His ploughing is straight – gun-barrel true,
quite an achievement on this field to do,
from clay to loam then back to clay,
it would make good pottery any day!

So all I can say in defence to he;
“You’re a far better ploughman than I’d ever be!” 

Have a great day and whatever your skill, enjoy it!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard


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When the answer is chips…

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Recently I did some tree trimming with son-in-law John. He is a wiz with a chainsaw and I hoisted him up in the cage on the front of the JCB Loadall to cut some low-hanging branches. My father planted these trees, hoping to make a fortune, but alas he didn’t anticipate the decline of the humble match! Job done, I stood back looking at the mess we’d made and not looking forward to clearing up…

John’s in the cage,
taking branches down,
buzz, buzz, buzz,
they’re falling to the ground!

We’ve made a mess,
all over the track,
how are we going to clear it,
so we can make our way back?

I’d never used a chipper,
no idea what it could do,
but in a short while,
it had returned the view!


Have a great weekend and don’t forget to have chips with it!

 © Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Hot Wires!

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Yesterday I wanted to check out how close some trees were to the power cables in a field. Firstly I used my eyesight, which has never been that great at judging distances! Then I had an idea and fetched my drone from the car…

Flying close to electric wire,
just like playing with fire!
but I had to have a a go,
not just for the picture you know.

I was dismayed to see,
the wires so close to a tree,
I won’t get the saw out,
but give the power company a shout!

…I was soon on the phone,
all thanks to my faithful drone!

I apologise for the poor quality of today’s verse, but it seemed a shame to waste such a good picture! Have a great day and stay away from the wires.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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Slow You Down!

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Mrs Bard and I have just returned from a short break in Norfolk on the East Coast. It is said that anything that outsiders find strange is ‘NFN’ or ‘Normal for Norfolk’! It is very rural and farming still plays a large part in the economy. I’ve always found the natives to be friendly and far from being slow (despite some alternative road signs)…

Slow you down!
before the bend,
or your journey,
may sudden end!
Muddy roads,
a village (sweet),
what’s in the road?
Only sugar beet!

Have a great day and find some time to ‘Slow You Down!’

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Matt’s Man Flu!

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Yesterday I saw a friend who was not well. Matt is a big guy and to see him laid low by something so iniquitous was not a pretty sight. Being a sympathetic person, I had to record his suffering with a photo! Then I had an urge to write about him to complete his misery…

“I’m boiling cold,
and freezing hot,
I think it’s man flu,
that I’ve got!”

“Do you feed a cold,
or starve the flu?
I’ll give it beer,
that’s what I’ll do!”

“When I’m asked,
‘Why not in bed?’
I will say:
‘Hangover’ instead!”

Wishing ‘Big Matt’ a very speedy recovery!
Have a great day and keep away from germs!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
RETURNS AFTER 27 YEARS!
First Saturday after Easter 2019
Buyers will still Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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The Giant Chef!

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Flying my drone recently I happened to overfly some trees on my way back to the launch site. On reviewing my photos later, some of the trees looked very different from above and so I took off again to go and investigate further…

A giant chef has dipped,
some of our trees in turmeric,
then shaken off the excess,
in an attempt to humour it.

Will he now fry them?
I’m not sure if he can,
but one thing I know,
it would take one enormous pan!

Never in the field of rhyming verse have so many liberties been taken in so few lines!
Have a great day and I hope your endeavours turn out better!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

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