Vanish – the family pack!

Posted on November 17, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

In the supermarket on Sunday morning, a family pack of stain remover caught my eye. This led me to consider what it would be like to be able to disappear at will. Then I wondered if the remover could be extended to time-shift as well. At this rate the men in white coats cannot be far away…

Just imagine if you could vanish at will,
Perhaps in a restaurant before paying the bill!
All hold hands and ‘Whoosh!’ you’re gone
To find yourselves in Saigon!

The last helicopter leaves the embassy roof,
Hold hands again you’re now in Beirut!
Leave the Middle East the quickest way
Shut your eyes, you’re now in LA!

Hollywood-hopefuls on every street,
Back to London in a heartbeat!
Suddenly your surroundings all look Spanish,
You rue the day you first learnt to vanish!

Then I find myself at home on a Sunday afternoon, so I reach for the tub of stain remover and…..

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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Alex Rushmer’s Salted Caramel Chocolate Pot!

Posted on November 15, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

A week ago, Mrs Bard and I turned up at the Hole in the Wall restaurant outside Cambridge, home to chef and Masterchef finalist, Alex Rushmer. Unfortunately for us there was no room at the inn. The following week I climbed a hill in Norfolk to get a phone signal and pleaded until, rather like the tiny spacecraft clinging to a comet 4 billion miles away, we were offered a table at the last knockings of this Friday’s lunch service.
I have an apology to make. When choosing the picture for today I realise that by looking very closely, I can see microscopic remains of Alex Rushmer’s Salted Caramel Chocolate Pot clinging to the side of the glass along with a splodge of wasted salted caramel on the plate. The possibly that I may have missed some of this magnificent pudding has caused me a very sleepless night…

I had a nightmare this night past,
I’d left chocolate pudding in my glass,
No matter what implements I used,
Chocolate and caramel to the glass was fused.
I tried to use my index finger,
Alas parts of the chocolate still did linger.
Had I possessed a lizard tongue,
Remaining pudding would have been none.
Had I had more supple knees,
Could have been Tom Cruise with trapeze!
The provided spoon led to this strife,
Wore it down ‘till it resembled a knife!
What I really should have done,
Stop the scraping – order another one!

Our meal was, like the little spacecraft, out of this world.
If you too would like to taste Alex Rushmer’s remarkable food, visit his website http://holeinthewallcambridge.com or book on ring the Hole in the Wall on 01223 812 282

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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On The Beach in November!

Posted on November 13, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I went for a walk along the beach this morning. If I were honest I’d probably describe the weather as being on the bracing side. We watched as a dog repeatedly launched himself into the sea while its humans walked in the soft sand and shouted encouragement. But it was the beach huts that caught my attention, their bright colours and different shapes reminded me of seaside trips of my youth: all sand and squash!

When I was young,
A long time ago,
Out of season to the seaside,
My family would go.
We borrowed a cottage,
Not far from the sea,
Complete with shrimp nets,
And thermos for tea!
Out to the sand,
With shovel and rake,
Much hasty digging,
Sandcastles to make!
Back in the beach hut,
A large plastic jug,
Full of warm squash,
And the odd crawling bug!
But most of my memories,
Have melted away,
Along with the ice-lollys,
You can’t get today!
So here’s to the seaside,
It’s not Benidorm,
It’s mostly quite damp,
And not very warm!
…but we love it all the same!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Abandoned Terrier and his Humans!

Posted on November 13, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard ad I sat having lunch in the small town of Holt in Norfolk recently and as we ate we realised we were being closely observed. In a Jaguar car parked in the market place was a very disgruntled terrier. When we finished lunch and walked across the square, he told us his sad story…

Sitting on the parcel shelf,
Of my human’s car,
I’ve been left alone,
I don’t know where they are!

I shall look pathetic,
When they finally return,
So they’ll have to spoil me,
Don’t they ever learn?

I may demand biscuits,
I may demand a bone,
And access to a comfy chair
When we get back home!

He will be contrite,
His guilt will be complete,
He won’t discover for a while,
I’ve peed on the driver’s seat!

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The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Disgruntled Local

Posted on November 12, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I parked in an exposed car park just behind a windswept beach in North Norfolk. Being November, the beach was almost deserted. After a walk where the cobwebs were blown far away, I returned to the car park to discover a disgruntled local…

My feathers are ruffled,
My temper is raw,
Where are the chips,
You promised before?

You have a warm coat,
I just have feathers,
Patrolling this car park,
In all sorts of weathers!

I was content
‘Till you took it too far,
Have a nice day,
I’ve pooped on your car!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Remembrance – part two

Posted on November 11, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

When on holiday do you plan your excursions or just let them happen? This morning Mrs Bard and I turned left (rather than yesterday’s right from Wells next the sea), and drove! Our only wish was to next to a war memorial at 11am, on the 11^th day of the 11^th month. Upon finding a deserted memorial in Burnham Market with some time to spare we wondered if we’d be part of a solitary vigil, with the residents at a memorial elsewhere. How pleased I was to be so wrong. We joined many people to remember…

At eleven O’clock
On the eleventh day,
of the eleventh month,

We stood in someone else’s town,
At someone else’s memorial,
Joining in someone else’s service,

And with them,
We remembered.

Some stood,
Around the memorial,
Some stood,
In shop doorways,
Some stood,
At a distance,
But all stood,
In silent memory.

Thank you Burnham Market,
Thank you Rev Graham Hitchins (ex Royal Marine),
We will remember them,
We won’t forget.

…and I remembered my son, lost not in war, but in peacetime but always remembered.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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British Railways 61572

Posted on November 10, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Sometimes when on holiday, corners bring unexpected sights! Today whilst meandering along the coast road between Wells Next the Sea and Cromer, Mrs Bard and I came across a railway bridge surrounded by men in orange reflective jackets. Thinking it was a meeting of the secretive Association of Rail-track Surveyors, I stopped to take a photo. Within seconds I realized I had stumbled upon something worth photographing as a steam train puffed along the tracks. What I didn’t know was that the sighting was a photographic event. A unique chance to see the engine in her British Rail livery for two days only, the way she would have been in 1948 shortly after nationalization…

Suddenly out of the blue,
Chuffs engine 61572!
For just two days,
Enthusiasts can gaze,
At the rarest delivery,
In British Rail livery!
Philistines like me,
Don’t realise what we see,
As we happen upon,
a rare phenomenon!
…thinking it’s just another steam train on the North Norfolk Railway!
What a wonderful sight for an old man like me!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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We Shall Remember Them

Posted on November 9, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday on Remembrance Day I watched a piper lead a procession up a narrow street in a town in North Norfolk.
I wonder if you have been remembering someone over the Remembrance Weekend?
I have been remembering someone I never met and never knew existed until 17^th June 2012. I was walking around the enormous cemetery at Etaples in Northern France. Row upon row of headstones told the story of loss far better than words could ever do.

Wandering away from the orderly lines and shiny white headstones I discovered a grave all on its own, hidden amongst bushes, away from the vast majority. It is Chinese Labour Corps No 9436 that I have been remembering. Perhaps we should all take something from the inscription on his headstone:

A Good Reputation Endures For Ever

Thank You
Number 9436

Died September 23^rd 1917
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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We’d All Like to be Invisible!

Posted on November 8, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever considered invisibility and what you’d do with it? The other day Dolly the horse was being exercised on the lunging rein. I imagined I could hear a man’s laughter echoing from the field…

The Invisible Man went riding,
Only Dolly knew he was there,
He was having a fantastic time,
The wind coursed through his hair!
All was fine in the field,
Until Dolly started to buck,
Nobody saw him unseated,
He wasn’t having much luck!

He was dragged along by the ankle,
Through nettles, thistles and docks,
Thankfully it had been raining,
And the field was devoid of all rocks!
At last the coaching was over,
Dolly went in for her tea,
He was muddied and bloodied all over,
No one could see him but me!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Trainee Dog Whisperer!

Posted on November 7, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

My two-year-old granddaughter is trying to teach the dog how to count. Unfortunately the dog shows not the slightest interest in acquiring this new talent. This only serves to redouble efforts towards having the world’s first numerate terrier…

“Granddad,” said my granddaughter,
“I’m trying to teach the dog a new trick,
She’s not even paying attention,
She’s acting so silly and thick!”

I pleaded with the dog just to listen,
Take note of all that was said,
She yawned and looked at her teacher,
Then went to sleep in her bed!

“Granddad,” said my granddaughter,
“She’s now snoring and deaf to my pleas,
Make her take note of my lesson,
I’m sure she will soon count with ease!”

The dog opened an eye without interest,
Then rolled over and onto her back,
She wanted her tummy rubbing,
Instead of a numerate attack!

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: November 2014