Snoring in the Bath!

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Bubble BathThe other day while replacing the spare wheel back into the boot of Mrs Bards car, I pulled a muscle in my back. It has been sheer agony, far worse even than Man Flu. I have spent most of the time since, flat on my back unable to move. Luckily Mrs Bard has been a wonderful nurse, however I think her patience with the patient is wearing thin…

Last night I lay relaxed and warm in the bath,
My six-pack all foamy (Don’t make me laugh!),
All of a sudden the water was cold,
“Fallen asleep?” Mrs Bard, did me scold!
“Errr… No dear,” I replied, made a grab for the towel
Goosebumps and loose bumps I tried to call ‘foul!’
The moral, if needed, is quite clear to see,
Set an alarm clock if bathing relaxed you be!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Peppa Pig and the Skinny Tyre!

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IMG_0774Yesterday morning Grand-daughter Bard and I sat watching Peppa Pig while her grandmother popped out to the shops. The episode was all about Grandpa Dog’s garage. Suzi Sheep (Peppa’s best friend), is out in the car with Mummy Sheep when they have a puncture and Grandpa Dog comes to the rescue. Little did I know that Grandpa Bard and Grand-daughter Bard were about to do the same…

“Help! I’ve got a puncture,
The tyre has gone flat,
I was about to do some shopping,
I guess that takes care of that!”
“Don’t you worry Grandma Bard,
We’ll be on our way,
The tyre will soon be changed,
It’ll look like child’s play!”

Arriving at the scene,
We noticed air was missing,
We put our ears to the tyre,
We could hear some hissing!
I searched in the boot,
For a wheel to change,
Underneath everything else,
A space-saver from another range!

But it seemed to fit,
I drove back like a nun!
And we all agreed,
We don’t want another one!
It looked easy on Peppa Pig,
Like falling off a log,
Next time we have a puncture,
We’ll call for Grandpa Dog!

You too can watch this episode here: (http://www.channel5.com/shows/peppa-pig/episodes/granddad-dogs-garage) With thanks to the real ‘Grandpa Dog’, John W. who came to my rescue when I couldn’t remove the punctured wheel from the car!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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National ‘Back Up Your Hard Drive Week!’

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IMG_8604Today is ‘Be Nice to a Chicken Day’ or ‘Take a Carrot to Work Day’ or something equally ridiculous! It is also a ‘non’ time that is still close to Christmas (the odd needle from the Christmas tree is still showing up in the vacuum cleaner) but not yet time to think about Easter Eggs and the possible cold wintery weather between! From recent personal experience I think it should be ‘Back up your Hard Drive Week’…

I’m without my Mac,
I’m getting pretty wet!
The laptop is unwell,
Backup I did forget.
It could have been worse,
It hadn’t been for long,
But backups are invaluable,
When everything else goes wrong.
Everyone should have a Lee,
Who rolls his eyes and says:
What have you done this time?
“No back up HOW MANY DAYS?
So backup little and often,
Is the moral of this tale,
Or you’ll displease your Lee,
When your computer fail!

With thanks to Lee and the others at Encompass in Weston, Herts for yet again dealing with my incompetance (despite attempting to bar my entrance to their premises in an effort to ward off evil spirits!) They are a jolly crowd who are a pleasure to deal with who also posses ‘Magic Mac Fingers’

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Fetching the Non-delivered Delivery!

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ParcelHave you ever had an earth-shattering moment when something upsets you to the Nth degree? I suspect we have all encountered poor service that has made us see red. However I wonder how many of you have been left wondering what all the fuss was about the next morning…

Tracking on the parcel,
Said “It will arrive today,”
I couldn’t quite believe it
So quietly said ‘Houray!’
I tried again at 4pm
I spoke to a call centre
“I can confirm delivery,
Today we will present’er!”


By a quarter to five,
I was rather less certain, 
“Where is my parcel?”
“In the van behind the curtain!”

At a quarter past seven,
I was waiting by the road,
“Will now be out on Monday,
Driver couldn’t find your road!”


However on Saturday morning,
My temper had gone away,
I drove to a Luton depot,
And took my lost parcel right away. 
So if you find you’re angry, 
It’s less important than you think,
You wont give a damn about UPS,
Being worse than CityLink!

A note for my foreign readers: CityLink went out of business on Christmas Day. UPS has over a thousand complaints on the Internet. If there were an alternative and reliable delivery service then UPS would be consigned to history too. 

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Printer Doctor of Letchworth!

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My Laser PrintMy trusty laser printer suddenly started to chew up paper before completely jamming up. Being from the ‘Throw-It-Away-Generation’ I started looking for a new printer. Then I thought about the £110 cartridge that I’d only just installed, added that to the ‘bargain prices’ and thought again! I looked online for a printer repairer and Iain from solutionshq.co.uk came into my printer’s life…

I took my printer to the printer doctor,
It was poorly and feeling unwell,
It was unable to digest the paper,
And had paper constipation as well.

I got an appointment in minutes,
Left her in overnight,
By this morning she was feeling much better,
Whirring and printing just right!

So here’s to Iain the printer doctor,
Thanks for the magic performed,
I hope I don’t need to see you shortly,
Because my printing is now perfectly formed!

With many thanks to Iain (http://www.solutionshq.co.uk) for laying his magic fingers onto my HP and making it better! (The problem was traced to a grape stalk that my granddaughter had inserted thinking the printer was a bin!).  

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Je Suis Charlie

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JSCIt takes an event such as today’s murderous attack on a satirical magazine in Paris to remind us how precious and rarefied our freedoms are. Anyone who writes for a blog, a newspaper or magazine or the media should today realise how lucky we are to live in a society that espouses freedom of speech. 

“I may not agree with what you say but I’ll defend to the death your right to say it.” Voltaire 

#Jesuischarlie

Baldock Bard

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Attention in the Ranks!

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Cadet BBAccording to recent stories in the press, a guide has been written to inform servicemen how to address officers. Instances have been found where lower ranks have called officers ‘Mate’ or ‘Boss’. Having never been in the military (apart from a brief stint as a bugle-playing cadet), I would have thought this was as obvious as recognizing the difference between certain farm animals. However it would seem that it’s not as easy as it appears…

There is one thing senior officers hate,
That’s a low-ranker calling them ‘Mate’.
They also seem at a total loss,
When anyone calls an officer ‘Boss!’
The published reminder (no doubt astute),
Tells all squaddies who to salute!
(Could be awkward during sabotage,
With everyone dressed in camouflage!)

Cadet Private Baldock Bard is in the second row from the back in the above photo, holding his bugle at the wrong angle, beret askew and awaiting court-martial!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Back-to-Work Monday!

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Chip 14It’s ‘Back to Work’ Monday! A day when it is most important that a good night’s sleep has been had so the harsh realities of everyday can be assimilated with a clear mind! We’re all going to struggle to get through the day, however some of us are going to suffer more, thanks to a bad nights sleep…

We have a terrier his name is Chip,
We think he’s about sixteen,
He likes to think he’s hard done by,
But rarely makes a scene.
Sometimes he sneaks into our bed,
My wife feels his warm back.
I bear the brunt of sharpened claws,
Of a snoring contented Jack!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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Confusing Times!

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Confusing TimesI always find this time of year confusing. Folk wander about not knowing what day it is, they rush to the shops, only to realize they are repeat-looking at the same ‘bargains’ they ignored the day before. When dog walking in the park they walk silently as they’ve no idea what to wish other dog-owners today? They’ve used up ‘Happy Christmas’ and ‘Happy New Year’ and have no idea whether it’s Tuesday or Sunday. As a farmer with no livestock the choice is simple, or is it….?

I woke up this morning,
Didn’t know what to do,
Had I woken near Baldock?
Or maybe Timbuktu?
I quietly went downstairs,
Couldn’t think what day it be,
Went to let the dog out,
The rain came in on me!

I knew we’d had Christmas,
I knew we’d had New Year,
Was I supposed to work today?
I had no idea.
So I made a decision,
Albeit full of flaws,
I’d go back to my warm bed,
Ignore the wet outdoors!

© Baldock Bard 2015
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The Blue Car has a Fifth Wheel

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The RockWhen guests have been to stay, their parting always leaves a vacuum. This New Year one guest made a spectacular parting which left us all speechless! What happened next may make you chuckle…

To protect her identity we’ll call her Flo,
This’ll save her reputation where-ere she go!
She waved goodbye on 2nd January morn, 
Then drove her front wheel over our well-mown lawn!
We stood in wonder as she went off half cock,
Her rear wheel caught on a rather large rock!
Put there to protect the grass so real,
Not designed to be a car’s fifth wheel!
She got out and said: “Oh deary me!”
I went to fetch the JCB!

Thankfully nobody was hurt and a New Year Legend was born! 

© Baldock Bard 2015
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