Sending in ‘The Heavies’!

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Very occasionally we have a tenant in our light industrial workshops who expects continued occupation whilst withholding rent. If there is no communication or attempt to pay I have to take action. This happened for the first time in many years recently and so I was forced to send in ‘The Heavies’ otherwise known as Sumo…

“I can’t seem to enter my unit,
there’s something in the way,
I don’t seem to be able to shift it,
It weighs much more than hay!”

“There is a simple answer,
it involves a pound or two,
then my JCB will shift it,
hand the unit back to you.
‘Oh dear!’ you’ve mislaid your cheque book,
you’re waiting for others to pay,
your customers car is inside,
he can wait another day!”

“What? You’ve found some money?”
I say with thinly veiled shock!
“Your customer’s on his way,
I’ll remove the concrete block!”

Have a good day and may those who owe you money race to pay their dues!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
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Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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The Space Saver!

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There is a Welsh legend that in the early days of motoring a Welshman had the idea of carrying a spare wheel in case of punctures. From then on he was known by the name ‘Stepney Spare-Wheel’. Fast-forward to yesterday and his antecedent ‘Sven Space-Saver’ was the target of my angst when I discovered a flat tyre…

Bloody Sven and his poxy space-saver wheel,
bet he never changed one for real,
everything hidden under piles of shopping,
designed to make the moment heart-stopping.
Once you’ve found yourself a jack,
(about as much use as a bent toast-rack),
then you remember the locking stud,
thank heaven’s it’s dry without any mud.
Finally you replace the wheel with the spare,
50 miles an hour to drive anywhere,
you stand back to admire your skill,
“What shall I do with the punctured wheel?”
It won’t fit in the spare-wheel well,
the dirt will make the shopping smell.
So thanks a lot Sven for the space you save,
you’ll make Stepney Spare-Wheel spin in his grave!

Have a god day and I do hope you avoid a puncture.
Thanks to Baldock Tyres for promptly repairing the puncture so I could hide the space-saver until the next time!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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The One-Cat Protest!

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Whenever my daughter and her family pack their motorhome for a few days break, their cat, Min, stages a one-cat-protest. It’s as if she’s been listening in to their conversations and is determined to disrupt their get away or even stowaway…

“They are going to climb into that tin house with wheels,
and leave me behind they don’t know how it feels,
I have used many novel ways in the past,
this one might be effective at last!
I shall sit upon the step by the door,
trip them up so they drop their clothes on the floor,
then when they think I’m back in the house,
I’m in the camper van as quiet as a mouse.”

“…But then I purr, I might as well wail
and I’m out on my ear – yet another fail!”

Have a great weekend and if you’re travelling check for feline stowaways!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

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Choosing A Card!

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The other day I was looking through a selection of cards in a supermarket when I sensed the frustration of a fellow-shopper. She was having difficulty in finding a suitable card for a friend who was unwell…

“I’m looking for a card for a friend,
who fell off a ladder,
I want to cheer him up,
not make him any sadder!”

“He doesn’t need reminding,
of his self-inflicted disaster,
nor does he need others,
to poke fun at his plaster!”

“All I can find,
(leaving out reference to drink)
are cards offering ‘With Sympathy!’
Helpful? I don’t think!” 

…I’m afraid I wished her luck and left her to her deliberations.

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Damned If I Do…!

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Have you ever been wrong on many counts? I was the other day and it was not long before a stranger told me so! It was a very hot day and I had gone shopping with Mrs Bard. We parked in a supermarket car park so devoid of shade it might as well have been an Arabian desert! As we had the dogs in the car I elected to stay with them. Having recently watched a video of a vet, dressed in scrubs, showing how hot dogs can become in a car, I left the engine and air-conditioning running. Big mistake…

A knock on the window heralded her arrival,
Attilla the Hen had a new rival!
“What are you doing with your engine running?”
Her vitriolic attack was momentarily stunning,
“It’s people like you cause Global Warming,
I’ll report you for that!” a timely warning!
When I said I had two dogs in the back,
she started to splutter as if having an attack,
“People like you should be allowed to keep pets,
They should have warnings about you in the vets!”
With that she stormed off quite absurd,
and fell not so gracefully over the kerb!
So I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t,
will I take any notice? I’m damned if I won’t!

Have a great day, enjoy the heatwave and remember hot dogs die in hot cars. Stay cool, healthy, happy and safe

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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Angry Drone Pilot!

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As a qualified, licensed and insured drone pilot, I am fed up with news stories of near misses with aircraft, like one currently doing the rounds about a near miss with a military helicopter. These reflect badly on drone-flyers to those who skim-read articles in the media. The fact that most of these near-misses happen at between 700 and 2500 feet, when most drones (including mine) are limited by law and electronics to a maximum height of 400 feet, makes me hopping mad. My drones will not fly near an airport, so those who break the law should have the full weight of it crashing around their shoulders.

My rant is over,
my anger spent,
over a near-miss,
was it Surrey or Kent?
I always worry,
when I hear a chopper,
land my drone before,
it becomes a cropper.
But most of the time,
it flies with ease,
over pastoral scenes,
and avoiding trees!
Neighbouring farmers,
have been heard to moan:
“What’s that noise?
– only Simon’s drone!”


Have an enjoyable day and if you hear a noise like an irritated swarm of bees, it may just be my drone!
Stay healthy, happy and safe

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

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Flying with Pigeons!

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While visiting the Cereals 2018 show the other day I met a local farmer who was having trouble with pigeons on her peas. I related the story of how a farmer’s daughter brought back a personal alarm from her first year away at university and how her father attached it to his drone to scare off the pigeons who were destroying his oil seed rape crop. That evening I went flying with pigeons…

I attached the alarm to my faithful drone,
took off over the field near to home,
I pressed record on the remote control,
and sent the drone for a leisurely stroll.
All of a sudden a flutter of alarm,
a host of pigeons loose on the farm,
I swooped right down much to their surprise,
a strange machine fell from the skies!
It was the closest thing to a video game,
(swooping down on bombers in a Spitfire plane),
I whooped with success (I may have squealed!)
as I chased the pigeons off a large pea field!

With thanks to Jo for fun with pigeons! 
Have a great weekend and if you are troubled by pesky pigeons, don’t call Ghostbusters!
Picture below: DJI Mavic with added noise!  

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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Cereals 2018 (b)

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Yesterday I went to Cereals 2018. Various people asked why, when I no longer had any arable acres, did I bother going. At first I couldn’t come up with a good answer. However having mulled it over while I was walking around amongst the giant tractors, combines and cultivation machines I suddenly realised the answer…

You can take the farmer out of the farm,
a move contemplated with some alarm,
when he’s been used to a harvest all his life,
(so have his friends, family and wife).
It is more to him than just a career,
with it’s worry, uncertainty and cash flow fear,
when you remove his arable armour,
you can’t take the farm out of the farmer.

Have a great day and enjoy what you do while you can and stay away from big toys you can’t afford or justify!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

 

 

 

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The Donkey’s Half Trim!

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It’s a well-know fact that many farmers make bad gardeners unless they can use a tractor! In my garden I wage a love/hate war with the topiary. Topiary can be compared to a vegetable plot – fine where you just look at it in someone else’s garden, but it’s hard work and unlike vegetables you can’t just pop out to buy what you need in town! According to my late mother I am the eighth generation to cut the hedges, they should have had my battery-powered trimmer (with added beer!)…

I was trimming the garden topiary,
Dreaming of a beer!
When I reached the man on a donkey,
My arms were tired I fear.
The trimmer whirred and snipped away,
Cut around the donkeys head,
and just before I removed an ear,
The battery went suddenly dead!
So I put it back on charge,
Much-relieved I did appear,
There was much relief from dead relations,
So I revived myself with a beer!

If you are doing something skilled and need a hand today, don’t ask me to help!! Have a great weekend and I’ll see you on the other side!
Just in case you were wondering… the picture shows the man on a donkey half trimmed!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

 

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‘Tut-Tuting’ in the Queue!

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More and more people seem to have less and less time on their hands these days. A two minute wait at traffic lights or a queue of more than four customers at the bank leads to much ‘tut-tutting!’ This seems to be most prevalent at the supermarket check-out…

Sunday morning at the basket checkout,
an old man with full basket makes another want to shout!
Then horror of horrors he’s not weighed his veg,
and some in the queue move closer to the edge!
Then the weigher doesn’t weigh and is broken down into parts,
resulting in a queue of irate olden-farts!
They have time during the week to do their shopping,
but at the weekend it’s the aisles they are a-clogging!
When they start to tut I remember a quote to fit:
‘When God made time he made plenty of it!’

Have a great day and watch out for me ‘tut-tutting’ at the checkout! Apologies yet again for the poor quality of the verse this morning, it reminds me never to give up my day job!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

 

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