The Spider Substitute!

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This morning I wrote a very good verse (or so I thought!). I had rushed downstairs before seven and quickly typed it out onto my laptop. Alas normal ‘morning procedure’ interrupted my progress and I forgot to press ‘save’. I returned to a blank screen and a dog full-stretch on the keyboard. Luckily I had met someone in the bathroom who saved the day…

A spider called Sharon was in the shower tray,
I went to remover her, she said “Hey!”
she shrugged her eight shoulders and said “Whatever!
You think you can remove me I say ‘Never!’”

She ran around the shower and hid behind the plug,
then made a great leap and landed on the rug,
ran up the wall and onto the light,
gave me eight fingers and disappeared from sight!
Later this morning there she was there once more,
she stuck out her tongue and raced across the floor,
into an empty toilet roll ready for the bin,
I said, “I’ve got you now, you’ll have to give in!”
I went to the window to throw the loo roll out,
she leapt onto my shoulders, this made me leap about!
My arms flailing like a windmill, a terrible sight to see,
“You can live anywhere you like but not on me!”

Have a great day. Try to avoid angering any female with more than four legs and always save your work before the dogs get onto the table!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
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Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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The Dangers of Peanut Butter!

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One of the downsides to living in the countryside in autumn is the annual migration of mice into the house from outside. Not only are they odorous and irritating in the larder, but they make a tremendous racket underneath the floorboards. While some may disagree with using mouse traps, it is instant, unlike poison which kills slowly sometimes taking hours to achieve its objective and then leaving behind a rotting smell for days. In the last week we have disposed of over twenty, sometimes two or more to a trap, knowing my luck I’ll return in the next life as a mouse…

Three Dancing Mice
don’t they have fun
they dance behind the skirting boards
sounding like the ravaging hoards
swinging wildly to the musical chords
Three dancing mice

Three dancing mice
they no longer swing
tempted by some peanut butter
“A wonderful smell!” one did utter
a snap and then a disbelief stutter
Three dead mice

Stay safe out there and avoid peanut butter at all costs!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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Riding With The Pig!

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There are sometimes when you wish away the number of candles on your cake. I don’t suppose there is a pre-school child on earth who isn’t fixated by Peppa Pig. This pretty porker that they all wish was their bestie, has won them over so conclusively that even grown-ups are sometimes smitten…

Pepper Pig and brother George,
are even seen in Cheddar Gorge!
Everywhere in our midst,
they bring enjoyment to pre-school kids!
I discovered with glee and pride,
a solitary supermarket ride!
Inserted a pound in the slot,
my age and size I completely forget.
Security arrived in a huff,
“OK Granddad that’s enough,
Can’t you see you’re rather big,
to hitch a ride with Pepper Pig!”

(In my dreams!) Unfortunately I would have to be extracted by the local fire-brigade. However a big ‘Thank You’ to Peppa’s creators for their genius. Go Peppa!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com
The Baldock Boot Sale
SG7 6RD
is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
BACK AFTER EASTER
2017 Season
From April 22nd to mid-October 2017
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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The Travels of a Breakfast Goat!

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IMG_7252My grand-daughter is fascinated by goats and this morning she and I are enjoying an early breakfast. In an effort to stave off Ms Peppa Pig or Master Thomas the Tank Engine, I am pulling tricks out of my not-yet-awake sleeve! In the end I realized there was only one trick left…

There’s a goat in the cupboard,
what are we going to do?
he want’s to go to Cambridge,
has a ticket for Timbuktu!
He doesn’t want the railway,
he wants to go by bus.
He’s demolished a bowl of Goatabix,
is making a dreadful fuss!
My grand-daughter’s told him he can stay,
make himself at home,
Now he says he’s changed his mind,
and wants to go to Rome!
He going to call a taxi,
we’ve said that can’t be right,
he has said that that’s ok,
he’ll go by goatabike!

* Picture shows Marsya’s Godmother, Aurora, in Greece with her herd of goats. It is useful to have someone to blame for an obsession other than ones-self!

STOP PRESS!
Updated photo from Greece from Aunty Aurora!
1549355_10153785119191564_5951574700168456466_n
© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until the end of October

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Let’s Go Fly A Kite… (modern version!)

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B Bard DroneYesterday on Facebook a young lady from Bedfordshire posted a photo: ‘Let’s Go Fly a Kite!’ I suddenly realised that my drone is the modern equivalent! So thanks to Beckie here’s my take on a classic (you’ll all know the tune and it’ll stay with you for days!)

Let’s go fly a drone,
Just behind our lovely home.
Let’s go fly a drone,
And watch it soaring!
Up to the atmosphere,
Those trees look very near!
Let’s go fly a drone,
And watch it falling!

We’ll send it for repair,
It will get no more fresh air,
Want to go fly a drone?
eBay in the morning!
Now that the drone is gone,
To a Londoner called Ron,
I now go and watch them crash,
On YouTube ‘till I’m snoring…

…Let’s all fly a drone etc!

You can find Beckie at Vibacious Events
http://www.vibaciousevents.com/
DCIM101MEDIA© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

 

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How Much is the Fishy…!

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FishyJust before New Year I was shopping with my 2yo granddaughter. Something caught her eye and as usual I was in trouble for being slow to respond! As an ‘Inlander’ my knowledge of fish is less than my understanding of the ancient tribe of nomads that used to wander the ‘Great Plains of Baldock’. So I answered by making up “The Fishy Song”. At this point she rolled her eyes to the ceiling and muttered something about my obvious silliness. Sung to the tune of ‘How much is that doggy in the window!’…

How much is that fishy on the counter?
The one that is sitting on ice!
I’m hungry and I want it for supper,
That fishy on my plate would look nice!

Wishing you and yours a very Happy New Year 2015

© Baldock Bard 2015
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above



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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk



The Baldock Boot Sale 
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015


With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Mr Shovel and Mrs Brush!

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Shovel & BrushYesterday I treated myself to a new plastic shovel. The old one was badly worn and as there were only two loads of wheat left to go, I had much shoveling in front of me! What a pleasure it was to use a new implement! It just shows how much excitement is in my life…

When Mr Shovel was shoveling wheat,
He confessed his life was not complete,
What he needed was a lady love,
A sole-mate when no wheat to shove!

I went into the shed next door,
Forgetting a purchase I’d made before,
I was excited with what was there,
A lady broom with purple hair!

Mr Shovel spied the broom,
Pushed me aside, “Give me room!”
And bowing his handle away from me,
Said “Hello Gorgeous, marry me!”

They were wed after a break,
The service conducted by a Tarmac rake!
Who said “do you take this brush for a wife?”
The shovel said, “Do I? You bet your life!”

For quite a few months they swept together,
Clearing the floors and oh! so clever,
Then one day (after romantic mush!),
They gave birth to a dustpan and brush!
…and they lived happily ever after!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11th 2015

With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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The Magic Shop!

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The FakeryThe other day in Fortuneswell, on the Island of Portland in Dorset, I came across an interesting shop window. I was instantly hooked and marveled at the clever artistry. The further I looked into the shop, the more I wanted to buy…

There’s a magic shop down Dorset way,
Will sell strange items if you pay.
They’ve got great big buckets of steam,
And chocolate tea pots fit for a Queen!
Cordless extension-leads for your DIY,
And tartan paint to confuse the eye!
They’ve large sky-hooks to lift trees and logs,
And elbow grease for the toughest jobs!
There are strong glass hammers to crack a nut,
Dyson hoover bags remove any muck!
Best of all to avoid all scandals,
Top of the window Ronnie Barker’s Fork Handles!

Thank-you to the artist for making me stare in wonder and want to buy.
If Carlsberg painted shopfronts…

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October 18th
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!

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The Big Hungry Fish!

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Fish 2Staying with friends in Portland on the South Coast of Dorset, I noticed a pair of rather attractive dishes on the bedside tables in my room. They were handmade in Greece, possibly by former Euro-currency traders, now potters, all called Zorba. Not knowing why, I took a couple of snaps and ‘Hey-Presto’ here they are…

A little fish was swimming,
in the water against the tide,
A large fish called out to him:
“Come here for a ride!”

The little fish responded:
“I think I’ll swim beneath,
Because I’m rather wary
of your great big teeth!”

“My teeth are made for smiling,
My teeth are made to grin,
I’m really not that hungry,
You’re welcome to come in!”

Just as he was speaking,
His big mouth open wide,
A hook from the surface,
Lodged itself inside!

It just goes to show,
(If you are a fish)
What you end up getting,
Is not always what you wish!
Fish 1

You too can stay in this charming Dorset house!: http://www.homeaway.co.uk/p1171249?cid=SM_Facebook_slideshow_T_LPROP&utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=propertyslideshow

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October 18th
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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A Whole Loader-Bucket!

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Whole Lot of BucketOn my small farm it takes seventeen bucket-loads of my not-so-small JCB loader bucket and about seventeen minutes to load a twenty-nine ton lorry. Recently at a show I saw the mother-of-all-buckets. Using this leviathan would take less than five buckets and about six minutes to load the same lorry. Assuming that Mick, who organizes our haulage, could line up enough lorries, it could only take just over two hours to shift all our harvest (unless you have a hole in your bucket)…

“That’s a whole loada bucket,”
said Liza, the advisor,
“that’s a whole loada bucket,
for loading your wheat!”

“To what can I attach it?”
Said Palmer, the farmer,
to what can I attach it,
to load lorries with wheat.”

“Just buy a big JCB,”
said Liza, the advisor,
“You’ll see that they’re trouble-free
to quickly load wheat!”

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

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