Nice Nails!

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My six-year-old granddaughter arrived on Saturday clutching her make-up bag. Whist thrilled to see her I was somewhat concerned as to what might be about to happen. An old man with painted nails doesn’t seem to be an unusual sight at the pharmacy these days…

My granddaughter arrived with her makeup kit,
and I was told simply to ‘Sit!’
“Your nails are a mess they need some care,
once that’s done I’ll do your hair!” 
My nails were painted done quite well,
no varnish remover I sighed “Oh well!”
Off to the pharmacy for varnish remover
(could be rather a tricky manoeuvre).
The pharmacist smiled at the unusual sight:
“Is sir going somewhere special tonight?”


When I explained the nails he told me that his daughter used to put her grandfather’s hair into plaits! I asked him to whisper so that my granddaughter didn’t get any new ideas!

© Baldock Bard 2019
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
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Twitter: @baldockbard
The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
RETURNS AFTER 27 YEARS!
Buyers will still Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.ukIt is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD



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The Remaindered Hat!

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Being the age I am, I’m supposed to become ‘outraged’ at the drop of a hat. The other day when I was in a well-known shop looking for some winter attire before the ‘Beast From The East 2’ strikes, I spotted a child’s hat. At first glance it looked part of the ‘Hello Kitty’ range, on closer inspection it wasn’t. I was confused by the branding, little wonder it was remaindered…

Something’s about to hit the UK,
in which politicians have no say,
by the end of the week it’s said (at least),
a visitation of the ‘Beast from the East!’

So wrap up your kids warm,
when there’s chill in the city,
but beware of hats branded:
the Snow and the Titty?

Take care and wrap up warm. If anyone understands the branding of this hat, could they possibly enlighten me! 

© Baldock Bard 2019
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
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Twitter: @baldockbard

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When the answer is chips…

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Recently I did some tree trimming with son-in-law John. He is a wiz with a chainsaw and I hoisted him up in the cage on the front of the JCB Loadall to cut some low-hanging branches. My father planted these trees, hoping to make a fortune, but alas he didn’t anticipate the decline of the humble match! Job done, I stood back looking at the mess we’d made and not looking forward to clearing up…

John’s in the cage,
taking branches down,
buzz, buzz, buzz,
they’re falling to the ground!

We’ve made a mess,
all over the track,
how are we going to clear it,
so we can make our way back?

I’d never used a chipper,
no idea what it could do,
but in a short while,
it had returned the view!


Have a great weekend and don’t forget to have chips with it!

 © Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
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Twitter: @baldockbard

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Exhausted Pipes!

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As regular readers of this column will attest, I can sometimes be a pillock! This achieves two objectives, firstly it irritates people and secondly ends in a public humiliation/apology from me. Yesterday I broke a cardinal rule and was was rude about the love of someone’s life…

The constant love of Otto’s life,
Is chunky (and I don’t mean a wife!),
Her proportioned curves which he likes,
end in long straight-thru exhaust pipes!
Sadly his motorbike wasn’t feeling well,
a clutch seizure was giving her hell.
Along came me in pillock mode,
Suggested he had a forklift load!
I offered a push with my tractor,
(an irritating force-ten factor).
I didn’t know when to quit,
So sorry Otto for being a git!

To make things worse I didn’t have a picture of his bike, so had to find some exhaust pipes for a photo! Will rectify as soon as possible!
Have a great day and remember never be rude about anyones pride and joy


© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD
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Monday Morning Butterflies!

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The other day I was in a northern town and next to a car park was a large bougainvillea bush in full flower. I stopped to take a photo, it was only then that I noticed it was covered in butterflies, most notably Red Admirals…

Bougainvillea blooms on an Alnwick street,
a peaceful sight to make my day complete,
I find it strange that butterflies don’t ever make a sound,
just work in silence so they don’t disrupt those around.

So this Monday morning,
as we chase our distant prize,
let’s do it with a sense of peace,
just like the butterflies!

May your Monday be peaceful, safe and silent!

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD


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It’s Great To Share!

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Most parents teach their children the benefits of sharing at an early age. For the last thirty-odd years we’ve shared the farm with school children and it has been one of the most enjoyable things I’ve ever done. Not only have they enjoyed experiencing a day in the countryside, but they also keep me on my toes…

When we walked through the wood,
I asked “Who saw the bear!”
one child answered: “I did,
it’s just over there!”

Like a fool,
I turned to stare,
“What are you looking for?
there’s nothing there!”

With grateful thanks to St Pauls School, London, for giving me such a great day out.

© Baldock Bard 2018
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 26 YEARS!
starts 7am Every Saturday
until October 20ththOctober 2018
Buyers Park and Enter FREE!
www.u-boot.co.uk

It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

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In Awe of Irish Poets!

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Recently I have been trying to write ‘better stuff’ by occasionally reading verse written by famous poets. I have sometimes enjoyed reading their words. Mostly I’ve been transported back to a dim and distant school day, where poetry was learned by rote and failure to recite was a cause for embarrassment and taunts in front of the whole school. However I’m still in awe of some Irish writers…

I wish that I were Irish,
a drunken poet I’d be,
write at night ‘with Guinness’
be feted by the BBC.
Schoolchildren would analyse,
every word that I did write,
whilst their teachers kept a secret,
(It was mainly shite!)

As you may be able to tell, this was written with help from quite a few cans from St James’s Gate, Dublin 8! Sláinte!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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Predictive Text

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One of the great problems when you have the attention span of a gnat and thoughts are coming thick and fast is predictive text. My spelling, on the whole, isn’t too bad, it’s meaning that gets lost when technology takes over…

I hate predictive tusks,
particularly when in a Harry,
I find it irrigating,
I suppose I shouldn’t worry!

I guess it helps with smelling,
if you nose not what to say,
I guess I’ll tell the Ruth
Or you may suspect fowl play!

Have a grate Munday and teak kare!

© Baldock Bard 2018
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The Nativity Goat!

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I’m going to be in trouble with my granddaughter. In her nativity-based and chocolate-free Advent calendar, I have added a guest. Having been an angel in her primary school’s nativity the other day, she now knows pretty much all there is to know about the scene and any attempt by me to alter the participants is swiftly shot down in flames…

There must have been a goat in the stable,
along with the sheep and the cows,
but theologians have ignored it,
not given the ‘What Why and Hows!’
So lets hear it for the Christmas goat,
he’s been left out for far to long,
and add him to the animals,
celebrated in nativity song!

Wishing you and yours a wonderful Christmas and festive season. Stay safe and happy. BB.

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

 

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The Stop Start Harvest!

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Yesterday when I tested the beans in the field I was surprised to find they were under 16% moisture. The reading had hardy shifted all week from mid-16’s and suddenly they announced that they were ripe enough to harvest! So we dashed around and with a whoop and a holler, started after teatime…

We started combining beans around half-past five,
moisture under 16, ‘Let’s go drive!’
Going great guns until half-past seven,
it grew dark I looked up to heaven!
“It’s great being back on harvest again!”
at that moment it began to rain!
I uttered some words I daren’t write here,
Harvest 17, a stop-start year!

May your harvest progress with joy and your yields be plentiful, whatever you do and wherever you live!

© Baldock Bard 2017
For more from the Baldock Bard click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: simon.holtom@btconnect.com

The Baldock ‘Boutique’ Boot Sale
STILL HERE AFTER 25 YEARS!
It is the friendliest bargain bonanza anywhere!
Feed your hungry sat-nav with SG7 6RD

2017 Season
EVERY SATURDAY MORNING!
until mid-October
With more FREE parking and a field full of bargains!
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