The Birdman of Baldock!

Posted on March 21, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago when I was in school, the English master (whose name has been lost in the mists of time) asked the class to write a non-sensical essay. When mine was handed back he had written the following: ‘It is indeed fitting that the best piece of work you’ve ever done for me is complete rubbish. Well done, keep it up.’ I think everyone should have an ‘Edward Lear Moment’ – this verse comes from one of those moments, I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing the nonsense…

The Birdman of Baldock
(with apologies to Alcatraz)

In our town lives a man called Tweet,
Invites wild birds to his house to eat,
Sparrows, Starlings, Robins and Tits,
Can be seen through the windows eating tidbits.
Passing youngster’s (so I’ve heard),
Are inclined to give Mr Tweet the bird!

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Bath-time Duck!

Posted on March 20, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Soaking in the bath the other day I looked at the row of plastic ducks and this popped into my mind. I hope you enjoy it…

Sitting in the bath
Floating ideas amongst the foam
And my plastic duck
(called Horatio) with his cycloptic stare
Who has this amazing ability
To think and float
At the same time or at least
That’s how it looks
I write on a piece of paper
Before the thought cascades down the plug hole
That is my mind
But the paper is soaked and the words dribble off the page
Into the foam
And become
Trampled by the duck that just bobbles
And grins
And my efforts
Get clean away

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

Lost Loos! – Bootsale Archive 4

Posted on March 19, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

24th April 1999 – Arrived at the bootsale at 0530 only to find someone had stolen the portable toilets! After calling the police I dashed to fetch a spare. The policeman that arrived to look at the empty space was called PC Sweeny (Cockney rhyming slang ‘Sweeny’ or ‘Sweeny Todd’ = Flying Squad (at the time a division of the police). I have attached the local newspaper report which is, predictably, even more tongue-in-cheek than the verse!

24/4/99
When I opened the boot sale last Saturday
I noticed that someone had taken the toilets away
I rang the police they sent PC Sweeney
Who agreed that this was the work of a ‘dastardly meanie’
According to the PC known as ‘John’
Police have nothing on which to go on!
By the time the replacement was into position
Many were queuing on a desperate mission
If you are the culprit and are reading this
We all agree “you’ve taken the p***!”

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

Early Breakfast!

Posted on March 18, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s Mothering Sunday/Mother’s Day here in the UK

The Reality:
Cornflakes spilt across the floor
Cleared up gratefully by the dog
Burning toast set off the fire alarm
Silenced by Dad balancing on a kitchen chair
Dried-pasta adorned homemade cards recovered from their hiding places
Escaping pasta shapes re-glued into position
Tray laid with an assortment of cutlery
Daffodils ripped from the garden and wrapped in a supermarket bag
All thrust at the recumbent form of a (suddenly awake) mother enjoying a rare lie-in!

The Memory:
In twenty years time the cards will be recovered from the bottom of a drawer and the only memory that will survive will be the smiles on the young faces that delivered breakfast in bed on that Sunday morning.

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Irish Priest: Highway Ode 2

Posted on March 17, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

In honour of St Patrick’s day, today’s verse is ‘The Irish Priest’ in the ‘Traffic Jam series. Have you ever looked around you while in a traffic jam and noticed the different occupants of cars, coaches and lorries? This is my take on that scene, I hope you enjoy it…

The Irish Priest

Father O’Malley
Sings loudly with glee
Accompanying choirs on his favourite cd
He’s planning his sermon
For his sparse congregation
They’re sinners and spinners who deserve castigation
He’s off to the Bishop
At a quarter past ten
He’s fed up to the back teeth with ordinary men

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Lucky Scratchcard

Posted on March 15, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

A few weeks ago a man walked into a local corner shop and bought a winning scratchcard.
The shopkeeper was delighted, so much so, that he photocopied the card and displayed it proudly in the shop.
So if you’re ever in Baldock, pop into Basra’s on Clothall Common (SG7 6WA), you never know, it may be your turn to be lucky!
The simple notice in the shop led to an idea, I hope you enjoy it…

My wife told me:
“There is great excitement,
at our local grocery store,
photo-copied notice,
displayed upon the door,
they sold a winning scratch card,
worth fifty K,
not a bad return
for a single one-pound-play.”

My response:
All the locals know,
it’s now a winning shop,
customers are queuing,
right around the block,
I joined the lengthy queue,
everything seemed fine,
the next winning ticket,
Oh dear it wasn’t mine,
the car park was full,
I wasn’t going far,
my only winning scratch,
was on my wife’s new car!

My wife told me:
“What’s that ‘effin dent,
on my brand new paintwork?
You scratched it so you mend it now,
before I go berserk!”

My response:
I drove it to the body shop,
prepared to plead and cry,
a photo-copied notice,
immediately caught my eye:
‘All enquires please
to 7 5 3 0 4,
After scratch card win,
I don’t work here anymore!’

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

Talking Buildings!

Posted on March 14, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever re-visited a building you once knew extremely well? Did a noise trigger a memory? I generally find that stairwells provide the best ‘noise-related memories’ as the noise echoes and is amplified up and down the empty space, sometimes stretching up for many floors. Recently I revisited a building where the auto-close door had a certain ‘clack-sher-bang-clonk!’ that took me straight back ten years! Try it sometime…

I have yet to find a building that doesn’t talk
Some have much to say
Like that unique echo of footsteps on the back stairs
When the lifts are out
Or the kerr-scrape-bang
As the self propelled door slams shut
Older buildings
Having more years to remember
Have much more to say!
A creaking stair
Or a rusty hinge
Buildings always welcome you back
Unlike their occupants!

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

The School Run: Highway Ode 1

Posted on March 13, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever looked around you while stuck in a snarl up on a busy road? The variety of drivers is absolutely fantastic, the only similarity is that they are all behind the wheel. This is the first in a series of observations that I will be writing about over the next months, I hope you like it…

The School Run

At the wheel of the monster
A new four-wheel drive
A mother on the school run with ten seven and five
The car is compulsory
When paying school fees
The Labrador, Lurcher and two Pekinese
Her clothing’s immaculate
So is her face
No make-up on the school run would be a disgrace
She sits in the queue
Planning her day
She’ll shop with her friends and ‘Hubby’ will pay

Reject Verse No1

Posted on March 12, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

In all the years I have written verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sales, I have built up a ‘reject file’ of verse that was deemed not suitable for inclusion in the local paper adverts.
It lay forgotten and gathering dust in the far recesses of my hard drive until a search revealed it, standing at the back frantically waving its hands in the air to attract my attention.
So here are a couple of rejects, more to follow…

4/5/09
The Government announced a Bill of Rights for Animals…

My cat’s now got more rights than me
It’s giving me the finger from up a tree
It shouted down that ‘it wasn’t afraid’
As it had recently been granted legal aid!
When the firemen came it was extremely rude
“We’re not doing this we could be sued!”
The cat remains up the tree
And so I climb a ladder to take its tea

11/5/02
Having been on a farm Health and Safety course I found I could think of little else…

Let me have a little word
A cautionary tale
A man bought a chainsaw
At a car boot sale
Ignored the instructions
“Don’t have time”
Ended up the subject
Of this morbid little rhyme
He had a nasty accident
Cutting wood non-stop
He won’t be sawing wood again
His friends now call him ‘Hop’

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

Bootverse Archive 2

Posted on March 11, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Over the years many shops have moved from out of the town centre to giant malls on the outskirts. In September 1998 I wrote about our local town, Baldock, bemoaning the loss of traditional shops and the surge in the number of charity outlets, restaurants and estate agents. Since then the trend has continued. Plus ca change…

A man I knew had a shop
In an empty local town
Rent and rates kept going up
Few customers came around
Someone mentioned our boot sale
I think his name was Frank
Now he has his shop in a Transit van
And money in the bank!

1998 was the year of a certain Monica Lewinski saga. Of course the Baldock Bard couldn’t let this one slip the net!

Monica Lewinski kept ‘that’ dress
Under her mothers bed
I bet that now Clinton wishes
She’d sold it in a boot sale instead!

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: March 2012

The Birdman of Baldock!

The Bath-time Duck!

Lost Loos! – Bootsale Archive 4

Early Breakfast!

The Irish Priest: Highway Ode 2

The Lucky Scratchcard

Talking Buildings!

The School Run: Highway Ode 1

Reject Verse No1

Bootverse Archive 2