Noah’s Surprise!

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The wettest June and July since Noah. Shows cancelled, houses flooded, hose-pipe bans lifted and weather forecasters vilified. An almost normal summer here in Baldock! This morning the dove has returned to the Ark with a leaf. Maybe, just maybe, we can break out the shorts…

Half-past five on a Baldock morning
Hardly a cloud up in the sky
It can’t possibly be a Saturday
And certainly not in July!

The Gulf Stream at last has shifted
Apparently has moved up North
We might now get a summer
Rain is needed in the Firth of Forth!

Many shows have been cancelled
At a loss of millions of pounds
Holiday makers have been disappointed
Only ducks have been spellbound!

So I’m off down to the Boot Sale
Leave my boots and coat at home
I might celebrate with a burger
A boot-less farmer-gastronome!

As Bill, who worked here on the farm
(Long-since gone down life’s final drain)
Once said on the first dry day of summer
“Could really do with a drop of rain!”

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues this morning!


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BootLine: 07852 707 074

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Protesting Farmers!

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Farmers have taken to their tractors in protest. Certain supermarkets (including one started by farmers as Associated Dairies) have used their power to drop the price of milk paid to farmers to less than the cost of production. I used to be able to name at least twenty local farmers who milked cows. I don’t think any are left in Hertfordshire and I think only one in Essex…

Everyone wants cheap milk
Cheese and yoghurt they can afford
If some supermarkets have their way
It’ll all come from abroad.

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues tomorrow!


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BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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A Sheepdog Rants…(part one)

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Hi, I’m a sheepdog and my human calls me Rover
(that’s me in the picture by the way, looking rather handsome even though I say it myself)

Unfortunately there are a few grammatical errors in that statement (the sheepdog and Rover bit, not the handsome picture part).
We Collies absolutely hate being called sheepdogs, in fact we hate anything that is remotely connected with sheep. We cannot stand the animal. Do you like everyone that you work with? Bet you don’t? I bet there are many hundreds of staff that sit at their desks all day, unloved and ignored as sure as if they turned up for work having forgotten the deodorant. Well, that’s what it’s like for us, we like the shepherd and even his wife and children but draw the line at the sheep, we’d like to ignore them completely but unfortunately they are our work so we are forced to tolerate them.
They are the most stupid animals on earth, not a degree, ‘A’ level or even NVQ amongst them. Ah! I hear you say, “Neither have you?” I’m afraid that is where you are wrong! I’ve got a First-class Diploma, no less (that shocked you didn’t it?), from the Collie College on the Isle of Dogs. It took many hours of study and constant exams to pass, it wasn’t just a walk in the park you know.
We have a special name for sheep – we call them ‘Brendas’. If you go into a field full of them what do you hear them saying? Very good! That’s nearly right – ‘Baa-aa’. What in fact you are hearing is them using their one-word-vocabulary ‘Bren-daaa’, this is their word for food, rain, sky, humans, dog, err – that’s about it I think.
They are also only good for one thing and that’s being tasty. Look at a can of dog food, what does it contain – lamb. Look at a bag of sheep food, does it contain tender-terrier or crusty-corgi? I don’t think so.
So cut out the sheepdog bit, call us Collies and we’ll get along just fine.
Anyway that’s enough about sheep, we’ll return to them at another time, onto the name I was given – Rover.
I like my Land Rover, I’d prefer a Range Rover but we can’t always have what we want, can we?
To call me Rover is just plain insulting. I mean do you know a Skoda Sam , Lada Linda or Fiat Frankie? I think not.
It would of course be different if I’d been called Porsche, Lamborghini or Ferrari: one who is sleek, attracts admiring glances, corners well and of course with film-star looks. But honestly – Rover – Old man with pork-pie hat who wears a suit every day, farts into the velour seats and smokes a pipe – Yuk!

I’ll try again.
Hi, I’m a Collie and the Shepherd calls me Vlad the Sheep-Impaler!

To be continued…
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more click on ‘Home’ above
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

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BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Protecting the Workforce!

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We have a terrible disease in this country called OP or Over-Protectiveness. It has crept so covertly into our lives that we agree that it’s often ‘for the best’. Nowhere is this illness more visible than on our motorway system. Even the smallest repair requires mile upon mile of cones. I agree that workforce protection is paramount, however it would seem that common sense is not a requirement in the salary/pension-sated world of the desk-bound rule-makers…

They’ve closed two lanes of the motorway
The traffic is moving real slow
Was clear at the junction behind us
We’re stuck there’s nowhere to go

The average-speed cameras above us
They are not needed today
The fastest we’ve moved is a snail’s pace
Top-up taxes they’re not going to pay

Still no workforce needing protection
The two lanes are empty and bare
Health and Safety is protecting nothing
No need for the cones to be there

Mrs Bard says it’s absolutely typical
I’ve chosen the wrong lane once more
Cars that were once sat beside us
Are now on the M54

We reach the cause of the hold up
They’re mending a crack in the road
Why so many miles was denied us
Of common sense is the antipode

Soon we are out of congestion
The hold-up is all in the past
The rule-makers have a justified pension
While they sit behind a desk on their arse!
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues this Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Empty Shops!

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Every town has empty shops, Baldock is no different. Yesterday I happened to notice that a shop occupied in my youth by a grumpy jeweler was empty as was the former travel agents next door. It is worth remembering the jeweler as he used to be irritated by window-shoppers and used to shout in a guttural Eastern-European accent: “If you vant a vatch, vuy a vatch, if you don’t vant a vatch, get avay from my vindow!” On remembering this I realised that if I didn’t document the saying it would vanish along with his memory and probably his shop or even his very existence in the town…

Despite being summer here in Baldock
A chill wind blows around the town
Empty hopes and empty dreams
There are empty shops around

Tattered posters announce the circus
That months ago left the recreation field
The ruts the departing vehicles left there
Along with the turf long since healed

Gone the tinkle of the door-bell
Heralding a shopper come to buy
Long since gone the ring-buying couple
Or holiday-maker ready to fly

What will happen to all these shops?
Now we buy so much online
Will they just become more dwellings?
Their previous incarnations lost to time.

If you take a look more closely
Living space above the shop floor
So perhaps we’re talking reversion
As it all returns to a home once more!
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Childhood Vision!

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What was your creative toy of choice when you were young? Mine was Meccano and my brother’s was Lego. Meccano has almost become extinct whereas Lego has evolved and appears to have taken over the world…

I was driving along the other day
When I suddenly had an idea
If planners thought like children
How would the world appear?

Everything would have bright colours
Red blue yellow and white
Bridges made out of Lego
Would make an incredible sight!
© Baldock Bard 2012

Every effort has been made to contact the copyright holder and obtain permission to use the photograph above.

For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Suburban Rainforest!

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Some friends have recently moved house. The view from their old house into the neighbouring garden was quite unique. It was like looking down on a rainforest. I was disappointed not to see the odd monkey or snake…

Some friends lived next door to ‘Jungle Jim’
Had a garden you couldn’t fit anything in.
The shrubs had overgrown you’ve no idea,
His mower left in there some time last year.
Somewhere hidden a chair and a table
Electric strimmer and power cable.
Indiana Jones searching for the garden shed
Finds lost suburban tribe instead!
Greenhouse gasses don’t stand a chance
With a mini-rainforest of overgrown plants.
A neighbour like that makes no sense
As tigers peer through the broken fence!
When fruits overhung they went picking’em
From ‘Jungle Jim’s’ wildlife park in Twickenham!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!


www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Another Wet Week!

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With yet another wet week hitting our shores bringing chaos and flooding, people are starting to wonder if it will be a wet ‘Lympics’. No notice is being taken of a Dutchman who has built a replica Ark due to be floated up the Thames shortly. Some are drawing a parallel between this and the great storm of 1987 when a Dutch lady rang the Met Office to warn of the imminent hurricane, was ridiculed on the TV weather forecast only to be proved right within hours. Our politicians meanwhile are eagerly awaiting their free seats and hospitality at venues in and around London. One can only hope that they will be able to use the special ‘Lympic’ lanes on our streets (for athletes and ‘Lympic Family Members’ only) so they don’t miss any of the action…..

Saturday morning is here again
Summer 2012, nothing but rain
Shows put up the ‘cancelled’ sign
While MP’s insist “we’re doing just fine”

A Dutchman has built a replica Ark
He’s to moor it by the ‘Lympic Park’
If the forecasters really can’t tell what’s coming
The 100 metres could be swimming not running!

We really must learn to trust politicians
As they take free seats in the best positions
For all our sakes they issue a warning
Then blame everything on Global Warming!

Just be warned:
If a man near you
Is collecting animals
two by two!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season
(hopefully) continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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The Fridge Magnet!

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Yesterday in unseasonal bright summer sunshine a group of people met to say goodbye to a good friend, Marsya. There were many tears and much laughter as wonderful memories were shared. This morning the pouring rain has returned and the people have journeyed back, to work, on holiday an even a couple who are moving house. I was about to pen a verse about journeys when I thought of a fridge magnet I was given some years ago. So I offer you this as a thought…

Just when the caterpillar thought its life was over… it turned into a butterfly. Anon

Live, Love and Enjoy.
Baldock Bard 2012

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Top Totty Tales!

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MP’s should be banned from having guns as they end up shooting themselves in the foot. Mrs Bard noticed a poster while we were staying at the George Inn at Ecceshall in Staffordshire. A local brew called ‘Top Totty’ had been banned from the bars at the Houses of Parliament because of its suggestive name. Any publicity is good publicity…

A tasty beer from afar
Caused a storm and became a star
Lady MP’s, were so ill at ease
All top totty was banned from the bar!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!


www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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