Fiji’s Finest Water!

Posted on August 21, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

There are some changes in life that hit you like a brick and some that creep up unnoticed. I have never let food miles question what went into my trolley at the supermarket, or so I thought…

I went to the shop to buy some water,
Because I needed a drink,
And there on the shelf I found a bottle,
That made me step back and think.

The bottle of water was from over the seas,
Ten-thousand miles away,
Takes twenty-one hours and more to get there,
For a litre of water, £1.54 to pay!

I looked at the bottle it was so pretty,
But who was benefiting most?
Did any money filter back to the Islands?
Or just company profits to post?

I went to the website I found by Google
Their H.Q. in L.A. can be found
They help the Islanders through paying for projects
And promoting the water from under the ground.

So it looks as if everything’s OK,
I can drink the water guilt-free.
I have to say it tastes very fresh,
And all that in the end suits me!

© Baldock Bard 2012

For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues on Saturday morning at 7am! 
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The Temporary Office!

Posted on August 20, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Amongst the many e-mails I receive from this blog every day, there can be some bizarre requests and accusations. There is a woman in Wisconsin who is convinced that I’m her cousin as he is the only one who could have known ‘her story’ that I wrote! A correspondent from Yorkshire was aggrieved that I failed to give his transport company a mention whilst mentioning a competitor. This week E.L. from California wants a picture of my office so she can discover if surroundings affect the quality of writing – I couldn’t possibly comment…

No more sitting in my temporary office,
I’ve put the chair and ‘desk’ away,
My wheat harvest is now finished,
In the darkness – Saturday.

No more dust in the grain store,
I must clean the Macbook Pro,
Supper eaten after midnight,
Helps to slim a fat torso!

No more hanging on every word,
The forecaster has to say,
The horror of “some scattered showers”,
Or “rain due sometime later today!”

The value of the crops is rising,
Drought affects the whole Mid-West
Russia’s tonnage seriously down,
More expensive food to digest!

Higher prices bode well for profit,
However I can’t tell,
Because everything else will rise in price,
Not just the crops that I can sell!
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues on Saturday morning at 7am! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
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Uncle Bill’s Search

Posted on August 18, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Last week Bill Thomas died. For well over twenty years and up to his final breath he didn’t know if his only child, Jamie (now possibly in his mid-fifties), was alive or dead. Every avenue of searching had been exhausted and his death ended many years of unbelievable grief…

Uncle Bill died last week
Spent so much time trying to seek
His son he’d not seen for many a year
It’s horrific when loved-ones disappear
He’d exhausted all the normal routes
Salvation Army and men in suits,
And so last week he passed away
Not knowing if Jamie was alive that day

Phone, text or e-mail an offspring or special person today (or better still, say face to face along with a hug) these two simple words “LOVE YOU” in memory of Bill Thomas.
Please pass on this link so others may do so too:
http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=1071
Thank you.

250,000 people go missing each year in the UK.
The Salvation Army deserve all our thanks and support for their selfless work on our streets. www.salvationarmy.org
Missing People is a UK charity that provides a lifeline and supports families and friends. www.missingpeople.org

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues on Saturday morning at 7am! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Rescuing Rat-Nav!

Posted on August 17, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Nothing exciting happens during harvest-time mornings. We clear up in the grain store from the night before and check the moistures of crops in the fields to see which will be harvested that day. In my trusty Isuzu Trooper I have a furry rat given by my daughter and christened ‘Rat Nav’ (see Bard passim: http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=718). Yesterday morning looked like a very ordinary day. Little did I know that smoke, flames and a fire engine were about to shatter the peace…

I drove to the field to test some wheat,
Things hadn’t gone well and I needed to eat,
I did a test in three of the fields,
Wondering if we’d harvest any good yields.
As I drove back across the stubble,
Steam rose from my bonnet, I was in trouble!
I looked at the gauges and gave them a poke,
It wasn’t steam, it was smoke!
I crossed the road with a squeal of tyre,
The smoke now billowed like a leaf bonfire,
I drove into the yard, stood on the brakes,
‘That sounds like the crackling, a real fire makes!’
I grabbed the moisture tester and a bunch of keys
When I heard a little voice: “Save me please”
I returned once more to the burning pyre
And pulled poor Rat Nav from the fire!
“I know I’m a rat and not a mouse,
but you’ve just destroyed my silver house!”
Just at that moment firemen appeared,
“That’s well alight, just as we feared!”
I quickly passed Rat Nav to my daughter,
Man holding toy doesn’t seem as it oughta!
With fireman gone, I gave the rat an assurance
“We’ll replace your home, we’ve got insurance!”
She tossed her hair, “Doesn’t bother me!”
“I’m off to live, on your JCB!”
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues tomorrow morning at 7am! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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You just can’t trust shepherds these days!

Posted on August 16, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

On Tuesday night there was an absolutely spectacular sunset. Using the tried and tested shepherd’s-rhyme I made my plans for Wednesday. Nature’s light-show predicted a dry day, no matter what the forecaster’s said…

“Red sky in the morning, shepherds warning,
Red sky at night, shepherds delight,”
Ha-bloody-ha, that’s not true,
Old country saying, gone askew!

Wednesday morning I tell all,
“Going to be dry here in Clothall,”
Can you imaging: I looked a buffoon,
When it was raining before noon!

I rang a firm to order fuel,
Told Sue that I felt a fool!
She adjusted a line, although rather dire:
“Red in the morning, shepherds hut’s on fire!”

So:
Run shepherd, run shepherd,
Run, run, run.
Here comes Baldock Bard with his
Gun, gun, gun…etc.
With apologies to Flanagan and Allen et al, 1939/1940

The Harvest Tin!

Posted on August 15, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Most of us try to do our ‘bit’, however small, to help others. Most of the time what we do goes un-noticed, but that’s just the way of the world. This makes those times you are thanked just a little more special. Yesterday morning I had a wonderful surprise…

Yesterday morning by the granary door,
I found a bright tin sat upon the floor,
The contents explained by a note on the lid,
To thank me so much for something I did!
Not being used to quite so much praise,
I opened the lid in rather a daze!
And there inside, to my day make,
An eye watering, beautiful, magnificent cake!
I couldn’t wait to just have a taste,
Despite the tight jeans encircling my waist!
A slice with my coffee, a slice with my lunch,
(I managed to share with the harvesting bunch!)
So thanks to you two for what was under that lid,
You’re welcome anytime, to repeat what you did!
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues on Saturday morning at 7am! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Nervous Breakdown!

Posted on August 14, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Any farmer will tell you that the greatest problem with combine harvesters is that they only break down at harvest time! Invariably there is trouble when the forecast warns of rain and you’re desperate to finish a field before the crop gets wet or ruined. Rod, a mechanic with local agricultural engineers Buckles, has been coming to the farm for over 25 years. Cometh the hour, cometh the man…

Before lunch on Sunday the wheels stopped turning,
The combine halted, we could smell burning!
Stiffly clamber down, been too long seated,
Smoke from a bearing that’s overheated!

Undo a pulley on a large lump of steel,
There’s smoldering dust, the danger was real,
Ring the dealer for a brand-new bearing,
The nearest one is Nottingham, cue some swearing!

Monday morning out comes Rod,
Takes one look, “That’s a real sod!”
Rummages around in his John Deere van,
Can he mend it? – Of course he can!
An adjustment with a hammer is no disgrace,
When the bloody thing won’t go back, it’s hard to replace!
Very soon it’s fixed, Rod’s work is done
We’re combining oats and hoping for some sun!
© Baldock Bard 2012

Buckles Engineers at Cromer in Hertfordshire are John Deere agents selling not only agricultural equipment but also grounds-care supplies such as mowers, strimmers etc.
www.jebuckle.co.uk

For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday morning at 7am! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Great Games!

Posted on August 13, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

There were those who suggested the country couldn’t afford it. Those who suggested the country was fatally ethnically divided. Those who suggested an embarrassingly low medal haul. They stayed away and their voices of doom were replaced by a massive roar as the Games became a stage of hope, faith and a showcase of all that is Great about Britain. We can, we did and we will…

The party is over,
Clearing up has begun,
The crowd has dispersed,
All the medals are won!

What will I remember,
When time has passed by?
All problems forgotten,
A view through dry eye!

I hope I remember,
That moment of love,
Gemma Gibbons whispered ‘love you,’
To her mother above.

Local girl Pendleton,
Made a heart with her hands.
Tearfully retired,
Thanked all her fans.

That euphoric moment,
When the nation went wild.
Mo Farrah’s double Gold,
Shared with wife and their child.

What of transport chaos?
Empty seats and the weather?
Our national sport – grumbling,
We then pull together!

The tower and the stadium,
Back-drop to the news.
We’re back to a studio,
Blank walls with no views.

And now Monday morning,
Back to life with a sneer.
We emerge from a triumph,
Did it really happen here?

Thanks to Alastair Pawsey and Maxwell Heron for permission to use their photographs

Inspired by the Games!

Posted on August 12, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

‘Inspire a Generation’ has been a wonderful legacy from these Olympic Games. Following on from a group of pensioners who made a short film posted on U-Tube, I decided to try a new sport. While harvesting oats, I looked around the grain store for an idea and my eyes settled on the moisture-testing spear…

The Baldock Bard has been inspired
By the games this year
He’s had a go at Javelin
With a moisture testing spear!

He stepped out from the grain store
And with a wimpy roar
Drew his arm back with all his might
And watched the tester soar!

It flew up over the tractor shed
Its flight was straight not bent
Landed in the heap of oats
And measured fourteen percent!
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday morning at 7am! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Combine Lights!

Posted on August 11, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I have a nasty bout of a farmer’s complaint. There are two types; the lesser, WATND (What Are The Neighbours Doing!) where a farmer would go home and leisurely change tomorrows plans and the more serious GGWATNUTN (Good Grief What Are The Neighbours Up To Now!). According to self-diagnosis on the internet the latter can result in ‘illogical decisions with irrational behaviour resulting in panic’ and is caused by August, ripening crops, the threat of rain and combine lights at night…

Combine lights on a neighbouring hill
Enough to make a farmer ill
Racing pulse I feel quite heady
Oh good grief their wheat is ready!

Tomorrow combine without fail
But I’ve got a car boot sale!
Cursing the neighbours I get to bed
Should I be getting ready instead?

I cannot sleep I toss and turn
Thinking will I ever learn?
Had I tested the wheat this morning
Would I still be awake and yawning?

Finally I know there’s nothing to do
What will be will be it’s true
Farmers suffer pre-harvest nights
When they’ve seen the combine lights!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues this morning at 7am! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: August 2012