Mrs Bard and I had a very ordinary Saturday night in. Chinese takeaway with the latest Bond film on DVD. My assignment was to collect a top-secret package from Baldock and deliver it, still hot, to the table…
In the Golden Rickshaw in Baldock,
The counter-man stood there ‘real hard’,
In a deep voice he asked for my name,
I replied: “Bard,” (with a gap) “Baldock Bard!”
I left through the door with the package,
Checked both ways (so by the book!),
Missed by an inch by a white van,
I shot him (a real dirty look!).
By the bank just up the High Street,
A beauty offered poisoned-deep-Posset,
I pushed her into the Cashpoint,
Where she made a no-interest deposit!
Just outside Chapman’s the butchers,
I tackled a crafty Fu-Man-Chew,
I threw him back through the window,
And said “it’s been nice to meat you too!”
Further along by Days the Bakers,
A giant – steel teeth in his head.
I fought him off with some Rock Cakes,
Two donuts and some handy sliced bread.
Two baddies on bikes tried to chase me,
I reversed my car in a hurry.
They crashed through the window of the Lancer,
I presume they were after a curry!
I reached home with the takeaway still hot,
Mrs Bard watched me straighten my tie,
“Was it busy or quiet in Baldock?”
“Just the usual, quite quiet” said I!
Dedicated to Ailsa and Mark ‘Bond’ with thanks for the reminder that nobody does it better than 007!
© Baldock Bard 2013
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