I have been caught out! For years I have attempted, through the use of long words and the phrase ‘it’s complicated’, to make it look as if my flirtation with the soil as a farmer involved a degree of skill. Recently a friend asked me to identify a weed in his garden in front of guests. He prefixed the request with the words: “You’re a farmer, you’ll know what this weed is!” I was flummoxed, not even Google or ‘phone a friend’ could get me out of this one. I had to admit that I employ a saviour called ‘David’, who walks the fields and advises me on all things agronomic! The truth was out. As the disappointed crowd dispersed and the tumbleweed blew past I could feel the word ‘pillock’ writ large upon my persona…
David walks the fields fortnightly,
Looking for pests and weeds,
Then comes with recommendations,
And supplies my chemical needs.
He writes out a recommendation,
(this stuff costs more than Scotch!)
And then a list of what to order,
I know well not to potch!
Then it’s on to James the contractor,
To tell him what, when and where,
He then comes and sprays the crops,
And alleviates the scare.
So next time you ask this farmer,
To identify a weed,
You’d do better to ring his advisor,
As this farmer’s gone to seed!
© Baldock Bard 2013
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