A Sheepdog Rants…(part one)

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Hi, I’m a sheepdog and my human calls me Rover
(that’s me in the picture by the way, looking rather handsome even though I say it myself)

Unfortunately there are a few grammatical errors in that statement (the sheepdog and Rover bit, not the handsome picture part).
We Collies absolutely hate being called sheepdogs, in fact we hate anything that is remotely connected with sheep. We cannot stand the animal. Do you like everyone that you work with? Bet you don’t? I bet there are many hundreds of staff that sit at their desks all day, unloved and ignored as sure as if they turned up for work having forgotten the deodorant. Well, that’s what it’s like for us, we like the shepherd and even his wife and children but draw the line at the sheep, we’d like to ignore them completely but unfortunately they are our work so we are forced to tolerate them.
They are the most stupid animals on earth, not a degree, ‘A’ level or even NVQ amongst them. Ah! I hear you say, “Neither have you?” I’m afraid that is where you are wrong! I’ve got a First-class Diploma, no less (that shocked you didn’t it?), from the Collie College on the Isle of Dogs. It took many hours of study and constant exams to pass, it wasn’t just a walk in the park you know.
We have a special name for sheep – we call them ‘Brendas’. If you go into a field full of them what do you hear them saying? Very good! That’s nearly right – ‘Baa-aa’. What in fact you are hearing is them using their one-word-vocabulary ‘Bren-daaa’, this is their word for food, rain, sky, humans, dog, err – that’s about it I think.
They are also only good for one thing and that’s being tasty. Look at a can of dog food, what does it contain – lamb. Look at a bag of sheep food, does it contain tender-terrier or crusty-corgi? I don’t think so.
So cut out the sheepdog bit, call us Collies and we’ll get along just fine.
Anyway that’s enough about sheep, we’ll return to them at another time, onto the name I was given – Rover.
I like my Land Rover, I’d prefer a Range Rover but we can’t always have what we want, can we?
To call me Rover is just plain insulting. I mean do you know a Skoda Sam , Lada Linda or Fiat Frankie? I think not.
It would of course be different if I’d been called Porsche, Lamborghini or Ferrari: one who is sleek, attracts admiring glances, corners well and of course with film-star looks. But honestly – Rover – Old man with pork-pie hat who wears a suit every day, farts into the velour seats and smokes a pipe – Yuk!

I’ll try again.
Hi, I’m a Collie and the Shepherd calls me Vlad the Sheep-Impaler!

To be continued…
© Baldock Bard 2012
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