How Not to Steal a Car (in one easy lesson!)


Stolen CarThe other evening I was walking back through a local town and witnessed two yoofs pushing a car in most suspicious circumstances. Resisting the urge to offer jump leads, spanners or access to my vast experience of break-downs, I took out my camera! The result was a vindication for my keep-fit regime and the head start offered by a low wall. Panting heavily and gasping for breath, I easily merged into a group of pensioners waiting at a bus stop for the 4.21 to Sutton Bridge (which was only four hours late!)…

Broke into the car,
There goes the paint!
We’re nicking a car,
Professionals we ain’t!

We’ll open the window,
With this little hammer,
Then force open the bonnet,
With an old rusty spanner!

My mate will hot-wire it,
Have you met Trev’s?
Then we’ll start the engine,
And give it some revs!

What you done now Trev?
The engine won’t start,
What you mean push it?
That ain’t playing my part!

Here comes a big car,
Perhaps they will help,
“What you mean arrested?”
“Touch me, I’ll yelp!”

“It’s quite comfortable,
Are we going far?
Always wanted a ride,
In a police traffic car!”

© Baldock Bard 2013
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