Damn Nosey Farmers!

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Claas CombineDriving back from Ramsay yesterday evening, I spied tell-tale dust coming from the side of the road near Abbots Ripton, Cambridgeshire. A combine was working away on a field of Winter Barley. The straw was in neat rows behind, all ready for the baler and a tractor and trailer waited in the gateway to empty the grain tank. The combine, made in Germany by Claas, had rubber tracks where the front wheels are normally found, to alleviate compaction of the soil by this heavy machine. I just had to stop with my camera…

“Oh sh*t,” I said,
“Watch the road,” she said,
“They’re cutting!” I said,
“Watch the road,” she said,
“But they’re combining!” I said,
“Watch the road,” she said,
“I must stop the car,” I said,
“Watch the road,” she said,
“Where’s my camera?” I said,
“Damn nosey farmers!” she said.

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above


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My New Friend Dr Oz!

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Dr OzLast night while driving back from hunter-gathering at a local takeaway, I started to sing along to the radio! When the DJ (or at least that’s what they used to call them!) returned, she asked if I’d been singing along. This frightened me and made me wonder if she also knew I’d been to fetch ‘forbidden fruit’. This morning I have a new and very important friend helping me to resist takeaways and possibly also cure my terrible in-car singing. Dr Oz has e-mailed me with some wonderful news. Indeed, so keen was he to pass on the good news that he arranged for several of his friends to e-mail me as well! No longer will I have to worry about being caught with a calorie-fest as his magic potion will sort it all out for me! So three cheers for Dr Oz and his remarkable cure…

According to Doctor Oz,
I’m putting on weight, because,
It’s all to do with my NCS,
(nothing to do with any excess!)
My brain’s been sending hunger signals,
My stomach finds comfort in tubes of Pringles!
He’s found an answer to all this trouble,
(No eating of brick or spoonful of rubble!)
I send him cash and very soon,
I’ll be thin enough to make a broomstick swoon.
In order to tempt me to make this count,
He’s offered me a large discount!
So sod the diet! Sod the fat!
I’ll sing in the car and not look a prat!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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Telephone Scamming Scum!

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old foneAn elderly man I know well had a call from a ‘nice man at the bank’. The Octogenarian followed all the instructions he was given and posted off his debit card. He had been scammed by scum. It’s time our lawmakers and society in general stopped being so soft on such hate crime. We do not tolerate child abuse, ethnic abuse or abuse against GLBT in this country but seem to turn our backs on crime against the elderly…

A ‘nice man from the bank’,
Rang with some news,
My debit card needed changing,
Was worn out with being used!
If he sent an envelope,
Could I please send it back,
Then he’d send me a new one,
And that would be just that!
I did what he told me to,
Then alarm bells started to ring,
But the ‘nice man from the bank’,
Would take care of everything!
The following week I was card-less,
The ‘nice man from the bank’ was gone,
They drained my account most efficiently,
And now I feel so wrong.
How could I have been so stupid,
Am I losing it at eighty-five?
The nice man from the bank was so plausible,
I feel stupid, myself I deride.
I have now lost my confidence,
I don’t know who to trust,
The lawmakers have forgotten me,
I’m elderly and my account is bust.

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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The Absence of Supermarket Bears!

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Chapman's SalmonMany years ago there was a small girl who was frightened by a bear in the cartoon film ‘Ice Age’. In an attempt to pacify her, I told her and her sister that there were no bears in local supermarkets. The reason being that supermarket fish was not fresh enough and as we all know, bears only like fresh fish!
Last Friday, Mrs Bard caught three fresh salmon at our local butcher (Chapman & Sons, Baldock). They had journeyed down from Scotland overnight and were almost as fresh as if they had been caught in a local river. Their freshness reminded me of the post-script to the story (I’m sure I spied a bear in Chapman’s)

Hannah and sister Sarah,
At a supermarket in the town,
Strode up to the fish counter,
And looked it up and down!

“Please mister tell us,
Have you have seen a bear,
Wandering round the store,
About this big with lots of hair?”

The man behind the counter,
Was somewhat taken aback:
“Of course we have no bears,
Or I would face the sack!”

“That’s a disappointment!
Borne out in the flesh,
Because it suggests to us,
That your fish is just not fresh!”

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Wester Ross Salmon is available from Chapman’s the Butcher’s, High Street, Baldock. www.chapmansbutchers.com (01462 892359) along with other fine meats, fish, South African delicacies and groceries

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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The Litter Picker!

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The Litter PickerSome have voiced surprise when they see me wearing my ‘Jack of All Trades’ hat at the car boot sales. Some have even said: “Aren’t you the one who showed me where to park, took my money and serviced the loos?” I have been known in the past to suggest that my evil twin collected the money! By the time I pick up the litter, everyone has gone. It’s like having a party: Everyone is keen beforehand and too many cooks are busy spoiling the broth. Come tidying up time they seem to have done a Houdini and you’re on your own. It is the time of day when energy is truly sapped and batteries need recharging…

I’m not a litter picker,
I’m a litter picker’s mate.
I’m always picking litter,
Even when the Bootsale’s late!
So if you see me picking,
And you feel you can’t relate,
Just shout, “Hello Litter Picker!”
And head off for the gate!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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They All Went into Town Riding Goats!

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Three Men Riding GoatsThe other evening Mrs Bard and I went out to a party. It was one of those occasions where the mix of people was so eclectic that the ‘they-said-what? I-don’t-believe-it’ content of conversation varied from the sublime to the extreme. It was one of those wonderful opportunities to harvest small amounts of out-of-context conversation that make for such misunderstandings in our daily lives…

A woman sat talking at a party,
In a voice that created no tingles!
“We went to Spain, won’t go there again,
My husband survived on Pringles!

A girl, I suppose in her twenties,
was confiding one with another,
“I really can’t see why he didn’t agree,
When she found he’d slept with her brother!”

A big old man in the corner,
His dustbin collection had a glitch,
“They’ve changed the size and what goes inside,
I no longer know what goes with which!”

In the kitchen while preparing a salad,
A lady was holding forth on her child,
“His teacher remarked that when both of them sparked,
The whole of the class just ran wild!”

Two men clutching beer in conversation,
Both had long disposed of their coats,
“My old father says, he once wore a fez,
while they all went to town riding goats!”

On the way back from the party,
I turned to my dearest and said,
“I had a great time, I must write a rhyme,
And let all of these words from my head!”

*photograph copyright holder unknown, found in the public domain.

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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What Would the Neighbours say…?

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Car WashIt is strange that in a time of apparent frugality, hand car washes seem to be thriving all over the country. What has happened to us, have we become so lazy that we can no longer spend half an hour with a hose on the driveway come Sunday morning? Or is it something much deeper, a need to impress the neighbours? “Bye darling!” shouts the husband from the front door, “I’m off to get the car washed at the hand-car-wash.” “Alright, Love!” shouts his wife from upstairs where she is busy ironing to supplement their income, “don’t forget to make sure the neighbours know where you’re going!” I know this may seem extreme but unfortunately I suspect it’s not far from the truth for some…

Kevin’s car shines at the car wash,
Must keep it clean,
Must keep it posh!
His important job is enjoyed,
In reality,
Unemployed.

Told neighbours: ‘holiday last week’,
Mother in Hastings,
Not Martinique!
Showed Internet photos from the Carribean,
Along with instant tan,
Believed what they’re seeing!

The neighbours admire their house downstair,
All the bedrooms,
Are empty and bare.
His drinks cupboard has no more space
But the refrigerator
Is an empty place.

To a boot sale he drives miles,
To avoid his neighbours,
Patronising smiles.
Shops at a discount store with his wife,
Uses Waitrose,
Bags for life!

Amongst these tales not one gem,
Worried what others,
Think of them!
Out of his mouth spouts so much tosh,
All conceived,
At the hand car wash!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The Setting Sun!

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Sky at NightYesterday Mrs Bard and I went to the funeral of a local farmer. Last night there was a wonderful sunset complete with ‘Mares Tail’ clouds. I’d like to think that the two were linked in some way and that Mother Nature had put on a special light show as a fitting ‘fond adieu’, but modern knowledge can easily spoil the wish. As agricultural practices become more scientific we seem to become more remote from the very land that we work, however we’re never far from the soil…

There goes the farmer driving by,
One eye on his crops,
The other to the sky.

Will it rain or will it be fine?
Would like some rain,
But need sunshine!

But come the time we’re not around,
Eyes are firmly,
On the ground.

Dedicated to David (Divid) Hodge, a Scotsman, friend and farmer who brought light when he entered a room.

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above


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Grandparents and Grandchildren (made for each other!)

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Last October I became Grandfather Bard. This week the Prince of Wales became one too. There are many different types of grandparent. These days some are more hands-on than at any time in history. The role of child-minder is possibly not one that Prince Charles will fulfill, but I sincerely hope he finds time to spend with his new grandchild. Speaking from experience, it is most rewarding.
Some weeks ago I took a photo of two generations walking together in a park. On a morning where many millions of words are available on the birth of a grandchild, I can find no words that convey the respect or love between two generations as much as this photograph…
Generations© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Powerless!

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plugAt last we’ve had a much-needed shower of rain. Unfortunately it brought the unwanted guests – thunder, lightening and a power cut, to the party as well. Meanwhile in London the eyes of the world’s media are focused on a hospital door where a young couple with a baby may appear later…

Early this morning just as it was light,
Our two dogs had a terrible fright,
The burglar alarm was a-squealin’ and a-screechin’,
“Help! There is trouble” it was beseeching!
I realised at once that the power was cut,
Thunder and lightening – curtain, window, shut!
Then from the heavens came the pouring rain,
And the burglar alarm started howling once again!
It was as if the heavens had seen quite enough,
And decided to fight back with mega-weather rough!
This morning all the crops are going “Aaaaah!”
They’ve at last had some water before it went too far.
But the side effects of no juice through the wires,
No internet or mobile phone, a silence that inspires!
And on the TV news they are interviewing a lady,
Who’s camped out on the pavement to see a royal baby!
So whether it’s George, Arthur or even Alistair,
Let’s bury all bad news today as if it wasn’t there!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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