The Offensive Weapon! (nearly armed and dangerous in Stevenage!)


Offensive WeaponsI was shopping with Mrs Bard in a supermarket in Stevenage Old Town. When we reached the checkout there was a problem with one of our purchases. The till suggested that it had been removed from sale. An embarrassed supervisor finally explained that she was extremely sorry to inform us that we were unable to buy… a corkscrew.

The armed police have been called,
To an incident in the town,
A man is threatening to open,
A bottle and pass it round!

“Please take up positions,
On rooftops, in doorways,
He is armed with a corkscrew,
And dangerous in many ways!”

The negotiator is arriving,
Be here in a short time,
We expect a successful outcome,
He’s bought a spare bottle of wine!

While poking fun at regulations and our ridiculous ‘Elf and safety’ rules, this is not ridiculing, in any way, the wonderful and helpful staff at Waitrose in Stevenage. They deserve praise for their composure in the face of such stupidity.

Mr Blair Drummond (Chairman of the Corkscrew Safety Council) wrote in reply to this posting:
“You evidently need to apply for a CSC (Corn Screw Certificate), rather like a FAC (Fire Arms Certificate). You will need to have no criminal record; be judged mentally stable; be a member of a Home Office-approved corkscrew club; have undergone a minimum probationary period under supervision to ensure you are competent to handle a corkscrew, are proven to be safe when so doing, and know which is the dangerous end; keep up-to-date records of your corkscrew usage so that police can verify you are using it; and have a suitable BS-approved secure facility for storing your corkscrew(s) that has passed police inspection. Your training will teach you that you never carry a loaded corkscrew unless you are at / in a approved corkscrewing location, and if it is loaded, it is pointing in a safe direction. NEVER EVER point a corkscrew at any person unless you plan to pour them a glass. ALWAYS check that the corkscrew is unloaded (don’t take someone’s word for it) before loading. REMEMBER that a corkscrew is not suitable for screwtops.”

© Baldock Bard 2013
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