Thirty Days of Heaven (or Hell!)

Posted on June 13, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Twenty-three English footballers are in Brazil to play in the World Cup. Tomorrow evening the streets will become deserted as many watch them play their first match against Italy. The hopes of a Nation are resting, blah, blah, blah, however…

It’s football, football, football,
Football all the way,
World Cup fever’s here again,
Final: 30 days away!
No other sport will exist,
Some will moan and say,
“Not more ‘effin football,”
How badly can they play!
However things could be different,
If England win (let’s say!),
The Nation will be rejoicing,
And all will shout “Hooray!”
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Every Saturday until October!
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‘Almost’ is a terrifying word!

Posted on June 12, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Almost is a strange and terrifying word. It occurred to me the other day that you never get to meet anyone who has ‘almost’ done something because nobody is willing to admit failure. A journalist never interviews someone who has ‘almost’ walked the breadth of America backwards or ‘almost’ won an award or race. I suppose we never tell our ‘almosts’ because there’s no interest in a non-medal podium finish…

I almost won a poetry competition some years ago,
But was beaten by a seven-year-old girl’s verse about her hamster!
I almost bought a valuable ‘Lalique’ vase for 50p at the Car Boot Sale,
But replaced it because it looked too ordinary!
I almost won the lottery,
But missed it by five numbers!
I almost competed in Modern Pentathlon in my teens,
But didn’t like getting my hair wet!
I almost achieved an ‘A’ at Maths ‘O’ Level,
But missed it by seven grades four times!
I almost grew an earth-shattering new crop on the farm,
But I couldn’t see how it would fit into my rotations!
I almost installed money-saving solar panels on every roof,
But didn’t because they looked too expensive!

I almost took an award-winning wildlife photograph yesterday,
But the raptor wouldn’t stay still and flew off!
I suppose that’s ‘Just Life!’
How many ‘almosts’ have you had?

The Morning’s Delight!

Posted on June 11, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Letting the dogs out on this wonderful sunny morning, dressed just in pyjamas, I wandered down the garden. On a wall is a climbing rose and even though I see it most mornings, on a morning such as this, it compliments the weather perfectly. So I thought I’d share it with you. Have a wonderful day…

There’s nothing like a rose,
On a warm summer’s day,
Its beauty and perfume,
Have chased the clouds away.
It’s such a wonderful sight,
When the sun begins to climb,
As I wander down the garden,
It gets me every time!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Racehorse Transporters!

Posted on June 10, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

My old man always warned me to beware of fast women and slow horses (or it could have been the other way around?) I’ve never understood the attraction of horse-racing, that is not to say I’m against it, but it just doesn’t hold my limited attention span! The other day I drove past a small purple racehorse transporter, it set my mind a-wondering…

In the back of the lorry,
Munching at hay,
A runner at Lingfield,
Two thirty today!
Sitting in front,
Of this tireless campaigner,
The girl groom’s asleep,
Beside her the trainer.
Perched on a cushion,
A book in his face,
The jockey is silent,
His mind on the race.
They all know it’s hopeless,
The horse is not fast,
The owner will be livid,
When the horse comes in last!

The Pavement Robbers!

Posted on June 9, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Last week I was in the City of Ely with the family. We were wandering along a pavement when we were accosted by three highway robbers disguised as ducks! They blocked the pavement and approached my Granddaughter…

“Stand and deliver!
Your crumbs or your life!
You’ve eatables aboard,
To feed me and the wife!
So let’s see what you’ve got,
Hidden in that pushchair,
Don’t you dare make a false move,
‘Cos we are here to scare!
Give us up a breadstick,
We’d even accept a sweet,
Any you can be on your way,
Unhindered down our street!”

Depression in an Automobile!

Posted on June 7, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

My wifes’ car is begin particularly instructive at the moment. Yesterday it suddenly announced that I needed further instruction before we set off on a journey. My challenge was to depress the brake pedal, quite a task when it’s a non-thinking inanimate object…

‘Depress brake pedal to start’ it read,
“Your mother was a Swedish drain cover,” I said,
“Your father was an old North Sea ferry,
Your sister part of a vat, used for sherry!
Your cousins were the wheels on a railway wagon,
Your Grandpa a cart, melted by a dragon!”
Still it was not feeling depressed
So I gave up, I’d tried my best!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
New! – Video from the bootsale 17/5/14!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbIERPYokho
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Pavement Racer!

Posted on June 6, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I was strolling through a town centre when I heard the unmistakable sound of protesting tyres. Pedestrians leapt for their lives as the turbo-charged grandma came into view. Her walker, aerodynamic and sleek was being pushed to the very limit as she sped through the pedestrian centre; here was a pensioner on a mission…

Nan’s a pavement racer,
She races into town,
Her wheels squeal on the corners,
As she takes pedestrians down!

PCSO’s can’t catch her,
Constables have tried,
A traffic warden once said to halt,
Was taken for a ride!

She’s the scourge of Sainsbury’s
And of Tesco too,
Get in her way and she may,
Make mincemeat of you!

The Allotment Holders!

Posted on June 5, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There are currently 330,000 allotments in the United Kingdom. With its roots in Anglo-Saxon times, allotments became widespread during the Nineteenth Century when small plots of land were given over to the labouring poor. Today these small pieces of land are as popular as ever with more people enjoying ‘the Good Life’ and discovering the taste of truly fresh food…

Old Jack wanders down the road at nine,
To hoe his beans tied up with twine.
After the school run his plot-neighbour Sue,
Parks the Volvo she has much to do!
“Know anyone with spare pea sticks?”
While Eric with care some cabbages picks!
Michelle has three rows of early spuds,
Makes a change from dishwashing suds!
They share, they help, they cooperate,
And enjoy fresh veg upon their plate!

The Trials of Shopping with an Elderly Human!

Posted on June 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

While in a town centre recently we watched a terrier take his elderly human shopping. He drove up in a little electric scooter, gave the human a list and sat patiently waiting for his return…

Jack the Russell drives to the store,
His human needs dog food and more.
He parks the buggy outside the shop,
Looking forward to a juicy lamb chop.
Little girls peer and point,
Them, with egg, he’d like to anoint!
The terrier looks at his watch you see,
It’s almost time he was home for tea.
At last the human comes through the door,
Just in time, couldn’t take much more.
The shopping stowed and off they go,
The pavement traffic’s very slow!
Beeping the horn, “Get outa my way!
I want to get home, not tomorrow, TODAY!”

Dancing with the Captain!

Posted on June 3, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Being not a great drinker my downfall seems to be drinks that taste un-alcoholic but disguise their true strength behind something like lemonade. This is like stroking a fluffy kitten that then draws blood with tooth or claw, or the horror felt by the poor woman that was sold a mini-pig but ended up with a fully-grown boar that wrecked her town house. So it’s goodbye Captain (until the next time!)…

The Captain called the other night,
I gave in without a fight,
He told me that I’d have great fun,
If I took a glass or two of rum!
At first it tasted sweet and light,
Then the evening turned to night,
Out to play came wobbly legs,
No chance of dancing on empty kegs!
The mouths pronouncements out of control,
Many theories I did extoll,
Come next morning I didn’t feel well,
As I told the Captain to go to Hell!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
New! – Video from the bootsale 17/5/14!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbIERPYokho
Facebook: Baldock Bard Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk