Shuttle Delays!

Posted on June 16, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Le Bard en France! Sometimes delays in holiday transportation can be interesting even if not necessarily fun. While waiting for Le Shuttle to France with Mrs Bard and friends we were kept amused by all manner of people…

Sometimes there’s a benefit from terminal delays,
A chance to watch people in many different ways.
Yesterday we were delayed while we were France-bound,
Someone reported a person underground.
Holidays, Le Mans and a busiest weekend,
The car park overflowed with all manner of men!
Ferraris, Masseratis and a Caterham 7,
Packed in the car park, a petrol-head’s heaven.
Add over one hundred in a motor-cycle gang,
Coach-loads of schoolchildren round the terminal ran!
Above us four helicopters kept flying over,
Filming a Spitfire over the White Cliffs of Dover.
After four hours, our time here boringly erosive,
Called in by security to check for explosive!
But all this forgotten, we’re miles away,
Enjoying the sunshine on a dry Saturday!
© Baldock Bard 2012

The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues today and every Saturday! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Pavement Sheep!

Posted on June 14, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I am always amazed at what you can buy from a home outlet store. Many of these shops overflow onto the pavement displaying such diversity as plants, plastic boxes, garden ornaments, gnomes and pavement sheep…

Walking along the pavement,
I couldn’t believe my eyes,
A sheep dog blocked my path,
And fixed me with his eyes!

Behind him stood two sheep,
No grass for them to graze,
They looked mighty hungry,
They hadn’t moved for days!

It was only then that I noticed,
As a farmer I was in shock,
They were all made of plastic,
The perfect townie flock!

© Baldock Bard 2012
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues every Saturday!
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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The Vegetarian!

Posted on June 14, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

A man I have known for a long time surprised me the other day. I always meet him at the burger van and discovered his dirty little secret. I have changed his name to protect him from his wife …

Reggie is a veggie,
No meat in his diet,
(apart from bacon sandwiches)
About which he keeps quiet!

The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues every Saturday! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Edible Nirvana!

Posted on June 13, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday afternoon I wandered through from the office on the search for food! Mrs Bard will go nuts, because after a thorough search and having discounted any form of non-instant gratification, my eyes settled on some edible nirvana…

I was quite hungry,
Hadn’t eaten lunch,
Breakfast had long since gone,
Needed a quick munch!

I went to the fridge,
There was nothing there,
I went to the freezer,
It was awful bare.

I went to the larder,
Hoping for a find,
Success! A plate of wedding cake,
Had been left behind!

Now you either like the icing,
Or you like the cake,
But I just love marzipan,
My day it can always make!

So I sat down at the table,
Eager but restrained,
Ten minutes later,
Not a crumb remained!

© Baldock Bard 2012
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: Baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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After the Wedding!

Posted on June 12, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

We’ve all done it but how many of us have learned from the experience? Enough said, please lower your voice and pass the strong coffee…

I had a little hangover,
Nothing would compare,
I had a rather sore head,
Like an angry bear,
It was at the wedding,
The Bride was dressed in white,
That’s all I can remember,
Of that fateful night!

I started off with champagne,
Red wine with the meal,
Then I had a few beers,
My head began to reel.
Come Sunday morning,
Got up at half past ten,
I then groaned the ‘Hangover Chant’:
“I’ll never drink again!”

Americans Discover British Weather!

Posted on June 11, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

The son and daughter-in-law of friends from Los Angeles came to stay. They left the Bard household to visit relatives all over the UK, returning to stay on the eve of departure. It’s always fun making new friends. One can only hope they recover from the meteorological shock…

Ed and Meghan came to stay,
On a whistle-stop tour from the USA,
They bookended their tour with a couple of nights,
At ‘Baldock Bard Towers’ between their flights.
We did our best to facilitate,
A meeting with the ‘Queen’ and ‘William and Kate!’
Meghan’s an artist, she works with light,
She’s now seen rain, morning, noon and night!
If on return to the States they look pale,
They never got to visit a car boot sale,
So there’s no excuse (despite the rain),
They’ll just have to visit Baldock again!

We took them to Stevenage (5am train),
So they wouldn’t miss Heathrow (10am plane),
Having waved ‘goodbye’ to Meghan and Ed,
Mrs Bard and I sneaked home to bed!

The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
Baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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The Old Brown Hare!

Posted on June 10, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

The night before the boot sale I went to check the state of the field after the heavy rain. I counted fourteen hares running about in the car park. One hare lay as still as a stone just watching…

An old brown hare lay in the grass,
As still as still can be,
And all the while without a smile,
Kept his eye on me,

I don’t know where his mate was,
In a grassy lair?
All I know is he watched me,
Wishing I weren’t there!

© Baldock Bard 2012
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
replace (at) with @ to e-mail

Steak and Chefs!

Posted on June 9, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever been disappointed by a meal out? Much against her better judgement, Mrs Bard allowed me to take her out for a meal the other night. Once again storms were in the area…

Went out for a meal the other day,
Was faced with a massive bill to pay,
The plates were hot,
The food stone cold,
The steak from a cow,
A hundred years old!

I complained to the waiter,
He didn’t care,
“Go tell the kitchen if you dare.”
I told the chef and he went pale,
“The food’s much better at the car boot sale!”

© Baldock Bard 2012
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues every Saturday! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

In Memory of Grandma Rose!

Posted on June 8, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Of all the characters to come to the boot sale over the years, none was more eccentric than Grandma Rose. She didn’t give a fig for how she dressed, behaved or looked. This is for her, wherever she may be…

An old grandma, her name was Rose,
Came to the boot sale to buy her clothes,
She wore orange, red and green,
The weirdest outfits ever seen!

She drove about in her old Morris Minor,
“Wonderful car there’s none finer!”
In town she parked where she wanted to stop,
Right outside her chosen shop!

Her kids were worried to despair,
She’d even taken to purple hair,
Where was her money? She’s never said,
I bet it was in fifties under the bed!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues every Saturday! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

The Two Carpenters!

Posted on June 7, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever delayed household repairs despite the irritation they cause? Mrs Bard had warned me that ultimatum time was nigh. So I called in Alex the carpenter and his apprentice Alfie to cure a pair of doors that needed a kick to open …

Alex is a carpenter,
Alfie gives him a hand,
They came to us to fix a door,
A useful two-man-band!

Alex had tea with milk,
Alfie wanted none,
Alex refused a biscuit,
Alfie a currant bun!

Alfie watched intensely,
Didn’t miss a trick,
Next time I recon he’ll do the job,
He’s certainly not thick!

The door was off its hinges,
Both sides went to the plane,
Bolt-holes lined with grease,
The door put back again!

Now the door shuts with ease,
As smooth as smooth can be,
They tidied up their tools
Refused another tea!

Alfie sat silently,
Not even a monologue,
But there again I suppose,
He’s just a Carpenters dog!

© Baldock Bard 2012
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues on Saturday! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 70 70 74