The Farmer’s Back-up Team!

Posted on August 6, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I have been caught out! For years I have attempted, through the use of long words and the phrase ‘it’s complicated’, to make it look as if my flirtation with the soil as a farmer involved a degree of skill. Recently a friend asked me to identify a weed in his garden in front of guests. He prefixed the request with the words: “You’re a farmer, you’ll know what this weed is!” I was flummoxed, not even Google or ‘phone a friend’ could get me out of this one. I had to admit that I employ a saviour called ‘David’, who walks the fields and advises me on all things agronomic! The truth was out. As the disappointed crowd dispersed and the tumbleweed blew past I could feel the word ‘pillock’ writ large upon my persona…

David walks the fields fortnightly,
Looking for pests and weeds,
Then comes with recommendations,
And supplies my chemical needs.

He writes out a recommendation,
(this stuff costs more than Scotch!)
And then a list of what to order,
I know well not to potch!

Then it’s on to James the contractor,
To tell him what, when and where,
He then comes and sprays the crops,
And alleviates the scare.

So next time you ask this farmer,
To identify a weed,
You’d do better to ring his advisor,
As this farmer’s gone to seed!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
Twenty-one years and still selling!
FREE parking and entry for all buyers, princesses, dogs and aliens!
www.u-boot.co.uk
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The Last Sunflower!

Posted on August 5, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Next to the car boot sale, in a field of beans, we have a single sunflower. It is the last remnants of a crop grown nine years ago. It stands alone like a colourful beacon in a sea of green. Perhaps it is a sign that I should grow the crop once more…

All alone
in a field of beans
the lonely sunflower
knows what solitude means!

Nobody to talk to
no-one will listen
no-one to see
her petals glisten!

Passing motorists
however look and say:
“That lonesome sunflower
has just made my day!”

If there’s a lesson
from this ground
it’s that unexpected gifts
in unusual places found!

A Cloudy Spillage!

Posted on August 3, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning the clouds have a reddish hue overlaying dark! It seems strange to me that something so obviously physical is just a collection of water droplets that you can fall through (if unlucky) and fly through (if lucky!). It is little wonder that early man thought it was home to the Angry Gods that warned people with thunder and smote the wicked with lightening. However this morning’s colour looks remarkably like tractor diesel…

Looking up,
At the clouds,
This morning,
0530 hours,
(Army time).
It looked as if,
Someone up there,
Had spilt red diesel,
On the clouds,
When filling,
A heavenly tractor!
The Environment Agency,
Won’t like that,
At all.
God is in,
For a hefty fine!

Damn Nosey Farmers!

Posted on August 2, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Driving back from Ramsay yesterday evening, I spied tell-tale dust coming from the side of the road near Abbots Ripton, Cambridgeshire. A combine was working away on a field of Winter Barley. The straw was in neat rows behind, all ready for the baler and a tractor and trailer waited in the gateway to empty the grain tank. The combine, made in Germany by Claas, had rubber tracks where the front wheels are normally found, to alleviate compaction of the soil by this heavy machine. I just had to stop with my camera…

“Oh sh*t,” I said,
“Watch the road,” she said,
“They’re cutting!” I said,
“Watch the road,” she said,
“But they’re combining!” I said,
“Watch the road,” she said,
“I must stop the car,” I said,
“Watch the road,” she said,
“Where’s my camera?” I said,
“Damn nosey farmers!” she said.

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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My New Friend Dr Oz!

Posted on August 1, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Last night while driving back from hunter-gathering at a local takeaway, I started to sing along to the radio! When the DJ (or at least that’s what they used to call them!) returned, she asked if I’d been singing along. This frightened me and made me wonder if she also knew I’d been to fetch ‘forbidden fruit’. This morning I have a new and very important friend helping me to resist takeaways and possibly also cure my terrible in-car singing. Dr Oz has e-mailed me with some wonderful news. Indeed, so keen was he to pass on the good news that he arranged for several of his friends to e-mail me as well! No longer will I have to worry about being caught with a calorie-fest as his magic potion will sort it all out for me! So three cheers for Dr Oz and his remarkable cure…

According to Doctor Oz,
I’m putting on weight, because,
It’s all to do with my NCS,
(nothing to do with any excess!)
My brain’s been sending hunger signals,
My stomach finds comfort in tubes of Pringles!
He’s found an answer to all this trouble,
(No eating of brick or spoonful of rubble!)
I send him cash and very soon,
I’ll be thin enough to make a broomstick swoon.
In order to tempt me to make this count,
He’s offered me a large discount!
So sod the diet! Sod the fat!
I’ll sing in the car and not look a prat!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
Replace (at) with @

Baldock Bard

Verse and Worse from the Baldock Versemonger

Monthly Archives: August 2013

The Farmer’s Back-up Team!

The Last Sunflower!

A Cloudy Spillage!

Damn Nosey Farmers!

My New Friend Dr Oz!