Wide Load!

Posted on June 26, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard was driving me up the M6 yesterday when we passed a lorry with its load covered by a multi-coloured tarpaulin. My mind began to wander as I contemplated the sight in front of us…

“If you’re heading North West on the M6 motorway,
The world’s largest market-bag is going your way!
That concludes this hours extensive travel report,
From Midlands FM at Elsmere Port!”

I suddenly thought: “That’s where we are!
Imagine taking it shopping, would it fit in the car?”
Thirty feet long by eight plus feet wide,
How many tins of beans could you fit inside?
How many fishes, and freshly baked bread?
Or slices of ham for your lunch instead!

“You are just crazy,” Mrs Bard started to gloat,
It’s just a tarpaulin covering a boat!

© Baldock Bard 2012
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday! 
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First Wheels!

Posted on June 25, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Sometimes life is strange! Our neighbour’s sixteen year-old son hero-worships an actor who died sixteen years before he was born – Steve McQueen. The same lad has just taken delivery of a new moped…

Our neighbour’s son has a moped,
He’s recently turned sixteen,
He rides along the highway,
Thinks he’s Steve McQueen!

His favourite film is The Great Escape,
He’s got the poster too.
On his way to college,
He tries to jump the queue!

He nips along the country lanes,
28 mph you see,
Before he appears around the corner,
All you hear is ‘wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!’
© Baldock Bard 2012

The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday! 
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BootLine: 07852 707 074

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The Brick of Fiction!

Posted on June 24, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I am always fascinated by what appears in an auction room or boot sale stall. The other week in a local auction, lot number 57 was two bricks taken from 221 Baker St, the fictional home of Sherlock Holmes…

I have a friend his name is Mick,
Went to an auction bought a brick.
His charming wife (she’s called Daisy),
Saw his purchase then went crazy!
She shouted the odds and proceeded to cry:
“You bought a brick, just tell me why?”
Mick replied, “I’ll get to the bones,
It’s formerly owned by Sherlock Holmes!”
On hearing this, “That’s a gem,
You bought a brick? We’ve four walls of them!
Don’t mean to be rude with contradiction,
But your bloody brick’s just a work of fiction!”
© Baldock Bard 2012

Bayles Auctions, Norton, near Baldock
01763 281 256

The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
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Maxi Memories!

Posted on June 23, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s strange how certain objects can trigger memories. In a car park the other day saw a car I hadn’t seen for many years. A favourite with mums up and down the country, I had assumed they had all quietly rusted away…

Colin’s mum had an Austin Maxi,
Used it as a school run taxi.
Cloth-covered seats and plastic trim,
Slight smell of exhaust from within.
His sister Sue didn’t travel well,
So the car always had a sickly smell.
The radio-cassette was always fun,
Tuned to Blackburn on Radio One.
Colin’s mum smoked Marlboro red,
He stole to smoke behind the shed!
When at last we reached the school,
Colin would always play the fool.
He always spoke with words profane,
A constant target for headmaster’s cane.

One sad day I waited in vain,
They had gone, never seen again.
So here’s to you, Colin and Sue,
When I saw the Maxi I thought of you.

© Baldock Bard 2012
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues today! 
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The Joys of Pet Ownership (part 1)

Posted on June 22, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Last night I discovered why many people choose not to have a pet! Along with many friends, my life seems to revolve around our ‘furry children’! They are rewarding at times but sometimes…

I was fast asleep in the middle of the night,
When Mrs Bard screamed, she’d had an awful fright.
I groggily sat up, my back was covered in sweat,
Oh no it wasn’t, the bed was soaking wet!
I turned on the light and there to my dismay,
A squashed heap of sick by a sleeping dog lay!
We stripped off the bed, I stripped off my clothes,
Naked to the washing machine (should have used a hose!)
It was all my fault as almost most things are,
The door to the upstairs I discovered was ajar.
When I returned, with fresh bedclothes and a sheet
Where was the bloody dog?
On the bed, still fast asleep!
© Baldock Bard 2012
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues tomorrow! 
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BootLine: 07852 707 074
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Summer Sports-Day Shock Story!

Posted on June 21, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Every June the media roll out a shock-horror sports-day story involving over-zealous health and safety rules. This year another element has been introduced – the Olympics! A Dunbartonshire school has invited the chief Olympic Starter to start the races so long as he doesn’t use a pistol in case it frightens the children…

We rightly protect children across the land,
But hasn’t it got rather out of hand?
They don’t go to school if there’s a flake of snow,
Might slip and fall on the ice you know.
They mustn’t build a den or climb a tree,
Spin on a roundabout or get a grazed knee.
They mustn’t push, they mustn’t fight,
But they’re allowed to surf the net at night.
The bully tells teachers, “You can’t touch me,”
“My dad will advise a solicitor, no win no fee!”
They’ve now banned a starter starting a race with a gun,
When kids use shoot ‘em up computer games for fun.
‘Elf and Safety rules gone wild,
Bad for parents, bad for child.
If it continues in this way,
Bubble-wrap clothes before they play.
I may be old and set in my ways,
But I’m glad I grew up in the string-vest days!

© Baldock Bard 2012
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues every Saturday! 
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BootLine: 07852 707 074
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Rat Nav!

Posted on June 20, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

We’ve just bought a new Sat Nav. It does everything apart from cook the breakfast. It always speaks with authority even when sending you to a completely different destination. My daughter, as a joke, put a toy rat on the dashboard of my trusty and rusty farm 4×4, we all call it Rat Nav…

My Rat-Nav suits me very well,
It doesn’t speak, it doesn’t tell,
No “Turn left at the next ‘T’ junction,”
You can’t switch off its 3D function.
When approaching speed cameras it doesn’t bleep,
I’m pretty sure it’s fast asleep!
It doesn’t recommend where to eat,
Local pub or children’s treat.
It doesn’t run the battery down,
It’s only movement is a frown.
No need for electronics when on Mrs Bard’s lap
There’s an analog Sat-Nav called a map!
© Baldock Bard 2012
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues every Saturday! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
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Fools Gold!

Posted on June 19, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I am a marketing department’s dream, I fall for the sales pitch every time. This week I bought some oddly-packaged biscuits. Despite Mr Sensible on my left shoulder shouting louder than Mr Go-for-It on my right, I abandoned caution and now question my judgement…

I’ve just bought a biscuit tin,
Not designed for keeping biscuits in.
It’s hard to tell from the shape,
What’s inside, can’t be cake.
‘Limited Edition’ is their refrain,
Sold by the million, pure financial gain.
A valuable heirloom it won’t be,
Just more junk bought by me!

The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues every Saturday! 
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BootLine: 07852 707 074

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Sacrifice!

Posted on June 18, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday in Northern France I was reminded of the meaning of sacrifice. Not the one less holiday a year, cutting out a drink after work or inconvenient currency fluctuation, but the ultimate sacrifice of loss of life. I overheard a young schoolboy sum it up rather well when he said to his teacher at the Canadian Memorial at Vimy Ridge: “They died so we can be here”…

They’re worried about the Euro,
They are feeling the heat in Greece,
France has changed its Government,
Still no threat to peace.

The world in financial turmoil,
It’s been like this before,
This time they’re still talking,
Still no sign of war.

We’re worried about our future,
Shall I have that manicure?
Will we sacrifice our summer holiday?
To keep our standards secure.

There’s a place in France called Etaples,
Just inshore from the sea,
Where row upon row of headstones,
Sacrifices: Eleven-Thousand, Four-Three-Three.

Under the trees standing apart,
All alone and hidden from view,
No 9436 Chinese Labour Corps,
I will remember you.
© Baldock Bard 2012
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Au Secours! (A French Warning!)

Posted on June 16, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Le Bard en France, day 2! I have to admit a terrible weakness: I cannot resist patisseries. So if you ever find yourself in St Pol in Northern France, test your will power at the GOURMAND”IN on the Market Square, you have been warned…

My diets taken a battering in the wake,
Of wonderful food and chocolate cake.
In France they posses secret weapons,
Even more dangerous than Mrs Bard threatens!
Patisserie shops they are called,
One look in the window and you’ve been pulled!
I stood outside, my mouth agape,
Couldn’t move, there was no escape.
Just one cake I managed to sneak,
My diet starts again next week!
© Baldock Bard 2012
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next and every Saturday! 
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BootLine: 07852 707 074
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