Talking Buildings!

Posted on March 14, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever re-visited a building you once knew extremely well? Did a noise trigger a memory? I generally find that stairwells provide the best ‘noise-related memories’ as the noise echoes and is amplified up and down the empty space, sometimes stretching up for many floors. Recently I revisited a building where the auto-close door had a certain ‘clack-sher-bang-clonk!’ that took me straight back ten years! Try it sometime…

I have yet to find a building that doesn’t talk
Some have much to say
Like that unique echo of footsteps on the back stairs
When the lifts are out
Or the kerr-scrape-bang
As the self propelled door slams shut
Older buildings
Having more years to remember
Have much more to say!
A creaking stair
Or a rusty hinge
Buildings always welcome you back
Unlike their occupants!

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

The School Run: Highway Ode 1

Posted on March 13, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever looked around you while stuck in a snarl up on a busy road? The variety of drivers is absolutely fantastic, the only similarity is that they are all behind the wheel. This is the first in a series of observations that I will be writing about over the next months, I hope you like it…

The School Run

At the wheel of the monster
A new four-wheel drive
A mother on the school run with ten seven and five
The car is compulsory
When paying school fees
The Labrador, Lurcher and two Pekinese
Her clothing’s immaculate
So is her face
No make-up on the school run would be a disgrace
She sits in the queue
Planning her day
She’ll shop with her friends and ‘Hubby’ will pay

Reject Verse No1

Posted on March 12, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

In all the years I have written verse for the Baldock Car Boot Sales, I have built up a ‘reject file’ of verse that was deemed not suitable for inclusion in the local paper adverts.
It lay forgotten and gathering dust in the far recesses of my hard drive until a search revealed it, standing at the back frantically waving its hands in the air to attract my attention.
So here are a couple of rejects, more to follow…

4/5/09
The Government announced a Bill of Rights for Animals…

My cat’s now got more rights than me
It’s giving me the finger from up a tree
It shouted down that ‘it wasn’t afraid’
As it had recently been granted legal aid!
When the firemen came it was extremely rude
“We’re not doing this we could be sued!”
The cat remains up the tree
And so I climb a ladder to take its tea

11/5/02
Having been on a farm Health and Safety course I found I could think of little else…

Let me have a little word
A cautionary tale
A man bought a chainsaw
At a car boot sale
Ignored the instructions
“Don’t have time”
Ended up the subject
Of this morbid little rhyme
He had a nasty accident
Cutting wood non-stop
He won’t be sawing wood again
His friends now call him ‘Hop’

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

Bootverse Archive 2

Posted on March 11, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Over the years many shops have moved from out of the town centre to giant malls on the outskirts. In September 1998 I wrote about our local town, Baldock, bemoaning the loss of traditional shops and the surge in the number of charity outlets, restaurants and estate agents. Since then the trend has continued. Plus ca change…

A man I knew had a shop
In an empty local town
Rent and rates kept going up
Few customers came around
Someone mentioned our boot sale
I think his name was Frank
Now he has his shop in a Transit van
And money in the bank!

1998 was the year of a certain Monica Lewinski saga. Of course the Baldock Bard couldn’t let this one slip the net!

Monica Lewinski kept ‘that’ dress
Under her mothers bed
I bet that now Clinton wishes
She’d sold it in a boot sale instead!

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

Going out with a Magician!

Posted on March 10, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

We were driving home from a club
The stars were shining in the sky
I think she may have been a magician
As big old moon smiled a knowing smile
She put her hand on my knee
Whispered into my ear
And I turned into a lay-by!

The Bells at Clothall Church

Posted on March 9, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Clothall Church, nestling in the hills of North Hertfordshire, dates back to 1350-1370. There are two bells in the tower (known affectionately by some in the village as ‘Ding’ and ‘Dong”). Ding dates back to the 14th century while Dong is younger, dating back to the 16th century. They are used for services and also rung for occasions of national significance (the last time being for the Queen’s Silver Jubilee). The ropes were replaced in the early eighties when somebody stole them to use as a tow-rope when their car broke down.

For further information I recommend this website:
www.british-history.ac.uk/report.aspx?compid=43608

There’s a choice of bells in our local Church
There’s Ding
And there’s Dong
The bells either ring
Ding Dong Ding Dong
Or
Dong Ding Dong Ding

For weddings they are both guests
Ding Dong Ding Dong
Or
Dong Ding Dong Ding

For funerals Ding has a day off
Dong tolls alone
Dong Dong Dong Dong
Leaving a pause should Ding decide to return

Strangely Ding never works alone
You never hear
Ding Ding Ding Ding
I wonder why?

There’s a choice of bells in our local Church.

Pavement Diversion!

Posted on March 8, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Mr & Mrs Smith & Mr & Mrs Meek
Block the pavement every week
In all the towns across the nation
Is replicated this irritation

They stop to chat, to moan, berate
The dreadful behavior of youth of late
It never happened in their day
Was life that dull and drab and grey?

Off they move after half an hour
Of carefully executed blocking power
Sid and Mavis, Bert and Dolly,
To arm themselves with a supermarket trolley!

Stay In Touch!

Posted on March 7, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I wonder how many of you have met somebody (or a couple) on holiday and used the phrase ‘we must stay in touch‘?

Later, when memories of the vacation are best summed up by the tatty guidebook on a car boot sale stall, have you lived to regret those words spoken on a foreign beach?
I realise that some acquaintances made on holiday can become friends for life, however some don’t……..

We met them on a beach
And realised we had something in common
They were married
(So were we!)
They came from near London
(So did we!)
They were on holiday
(So were we!)
“We must stay in touch!”

We met them the next day
They had two children
(So did we!)
They both worked
(So did we!)
They liked eating out
(So did we!)
“We must stay in touch!”

We met them on the flight home
They enjoyed the meal
(So did we!)
They had bought souvenirs for their children
(So had we!)
They had enjoyed their holiday
(So had we!)
“We must stay in touch!”

We had them round for dinner
After they’d rung six times!
He was a bore
She was worse
The holiday was prominent in conversation
Or rather the only mutual topic
And as they left we said
“We must stay in touch!”

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

Chasing Cattle

Posted on March 6, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Some years ago a neighbour bought some cattle from Banbury Market. Unfortunately he knew little about cows. The selection of cattle he purchased were (without being at all rude to him) a rag-tag bunch of misfits that were ‘bargain basement bovines’. When they came off the lorry, they saw a large field of grass; bucked, farted, and galloped off to test the fences. Unfortunately the security afforded by the fences was low-grade and they just ploughed on through. In the growing darkness my neighbour learnt how to chase cattle. I wrote this for him and I now think enough years have passed for the verse to become public!

You’re not a real farmer
’till you’ve been chasing cattle
You’re not a real farmer
’till you’ve fenced in the dark
You’re not a real farmer
’till you’ve looked up in anger
and wondered why Noah
put COWS in the Ark!

The Big Yellow Verse about The Big Yellow Suit

Posted on March 5, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Some years ago, as a joke, a friend gave me a pair of large yellow overalls of the type you’d expect to see when the emergency services are doing HAZMAT training.
It became a standing joke and so prompted this verse.

I wore it in the garden
When putting the weeds in order
My wife thought I was skiving
Lost in the Herbatious Border

I wore it to the ‘Royal’
And to our County Show
Everyone admired it
“That must be Saville Row?”

I wore it on last Sunday
When off to church I went
The Vicar nearly fainted
“That can’t be Heaven sent”

I wore it on the train
When I went up to Town
The commuters tried to ignore me
But I could see them frown

I wore it on the combine
Motorists were alarmed
They thought the crop was poisoned
(That’s not the way I farmed)

I wore it to the bank
When I went to fetch the wages
They looked at me ‘old fashioned’
Did I work for Yellow Pages?

I wore it to the match
Down at White Hart Lane
They thought I was the goalie
I won’t wear it there again!

I wore it in the crops
To inspect the rapeseed ears
The agronomist tried to find me
But I had disappeared!

I wore it to the boot sale
Just to have some fun
Was mobbed by all the buyers
They now all want one!

I wore it down to Sizewell
I paddled in the sea
Looked up and down the beach
The only one left was me!

I wore it to go shopping
I always go (as if!)
A shopper mistook me for
A giant bottle of Jif

I wore it to the doctors
My face puffed like a beaver
He took one look at me
Said; “You’ve got Yellow Fever!”

I wore it on the street
Just to prove I can
A telecomms engineer
Mistook me for his van

I wore it to a movie
To give the folks a fright
They didn’t see the film
Because of the reflected light

I wore it to a nursery
To help the children play
I was asked to leave
The children cried all day

I wore it to a wedding
The bride’s mother was in tears
She chased me from the church
With a pair of hedging shears!

I wore it on a date
Instead of a red rose
I went there incognito
Now everybody knows!

I don’t wear it now
I walk around and pout
The suit is in the bin
I have worn it out!