NewsVerse & Worse 1

Posted on March 25, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Week-ending 24^th March 2012
In the news this week: The Budget, a shooting in London and a Lottery mix-up in Denmark.

To stop revellers freeloading before they go clubbing,
An alcohol tax will give night-outs a drubbing!
To replace the missing billions squandered by Labour,
the budget proposes to Granny-tax your neighbour.
£1.40 per litre at the pumps for fuel,
re-think the school run: Swap the car for a mule.
But lo! What’s this, surely not an Osbornegate?
(One who’s wealthy but pays the tax lower rate?).
While there are things you can no longer afford,
The governments ring-fenced spending abroad.
A government announcement sent by fax:
“We’re just reinforcing certainties – birth, death and tax.”

A Russian banker shot on a London street,
did someone hit the following:
ctrl alt delete?

Playing the lottery with Danske Spil,
Made winning seem a bitter pill,
According to a ‘winner’ (I think called Sid),
“I celebrated a Billion, but received seventy quid!”
A spokesman apologised for the distress,
“Was human error that caused the mess”.

Lucky!

Posted on March 24, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Some years ago, a seller at the boot sale was given the nickname ‘Lucky’ as it appeared that he had suffered from more than his fair share of bad luck in life. Whenever he passed the food stand, they would shout “Lucky” and he’d give them a one-fingered salute while a wicked grin spread across his face. Despite his constant misfortune he had a great sense of humour and was able to laugh at himself as well as laugh at others.
It was only when he stopped attending that everyone realized what an important part of our lives he’d become. So this is for you, Lucky, wherever you are, with our thanks for lightening our lives…

LUCKY

Lucky was a seller at the boot sale,
When others were winning, he would just fail.
Lucky isn’t lucky any more.
He set out his stall, it took until ten,
By the time goods were out, time to load up again.
Lucky isn’t lucky any more.

In winter a range of cheapest sun-lotion,
Sold snow chains in August, to help with the motion.
Lucky isn’t lucky any more.
“Of course it’s pukka, one of my priorities!”
When caught selling fakes by the authorities
Lucky isn’t lucky any more.

His ex-BT van went up in smoke,
Some faulty lighters he bought from a bloke.
Lucky isn’t lucky any more.
Instead of the van he bought a green trailer,
It’s left wheel came off, it was a failer.
Lucky isn’t lucky any more.

He ‘out-Del Boyed’ Del Boy, was a real Trotter
Always the nice guy, never the rotter,
Lucky should be lucky for sure.
Now Lucky has gone, to sell stuff in heaven,
Took a wrong turning, ended up down in Devon.
Lucky, you’re lucky once more!

Bed Sizes

Posted on March 23, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I don’t know about you, but ever since our children were little our bed has never been big enough for a Sunday morning. Dogs and children vie for space and the bed groans under the weight. Even when our children had outgrown their parents we found the bed not large enough. Having had four dogs and a daughter leap on our bed the other morning it got me thinking and led to this, I hope you enjoy it…

Bed Sizes Through The Ages

When I was four,
my mother said:
“I think you now need a much bigger bed”

When I left home,
my girlfriend said:
“I think you could do with a larger bed”

When we were married,
my new wife said:
“I think we should share a much larger bed”

When we had a child,
my pregnant wife said:
“I think we’ll be needing a much bigger bed”

Crammed children and wife,
on a Sunday once said:
“I think we could do with a comfortable bed”

With grandchildren, wife
and three dogs instead:
“Thank heavens we’ve got a large enough bed”

Now in my eighties,
nursed and spoon-fed,
I’m thankful for memories of a once-larger bed.

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

Waiting at the Lights: Highway Ode 3

Posted on March 22, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I was driving in a local town when I saw a ‘girly car’ stopped at the traffic lights. The driver was applying lipstick using the interior mirror while she waited for the lights to change. This reminded me that some time ago I wrote a verse that possibly conjured up such a scene…

Anne-Marie ponders
The state of her nails
And how to attract some predatory males
She uses the mirror
Because it is there
For applying her lippy and checking her hair
She wriggles her skirt
Repositions her top
Her boss will be panting and sweating non-stop
She knows other drivers
Are watching her preen
They’re welcome to look but if they touch she will scream

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Birdman of Baldock!

Posted on March 21, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago when I was in school, the English master (whose name has been lost in the mists of time) asked the class to write a non-sensical essay. When mine was handed back he had written the following: ‘It is indeed fitting that the best piece of work you’ve ever done for me is complete rubbish. Well done, keep it up.’ I think everyone should have an ‘Edward Lear Moment’ – this verse comes from one of those moments, I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing the nonsense…

The Birdman of Baldock
(with apologies to Alcatraz)

In our town lives a man called Tweet,
Invites wild birds to his house to eat,
Sparrows, Starlings, Robins and Tits,
Can be seen through the windows eating tidbits.
Passing youngster’s (so I’ve heard),
Are inclined to give Mr Tweet the bird!

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Bath-time Duck!

Posted on March 20, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Soaking in the bath the other day I looked at the row of plastic ducks and this popped into my mind. I hope you enjoy it…

Sitting in the bath
Floating ideas amongst the foam
And my plastic duck
(called Horatio) with his cycloptic stare
Who has this amazing ability
To think and float
At the same time or at least
That’s how it looks
I write on a piece of paper
Before the thought cascades down the plug hole
That is my mind
But the paper is soaked and the words dribble off the page
Into the foam
And become
Trampled by the duck that just bobbles
And grins
And my efforts
Get clean away

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

Lost Loos! – Bootsale Archive 4

Posted on March 19, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

24th April 1999 – Arrived at the bootsale at 0530 only to find someone had stolen the portable toilets! After calling the police I dashed to fetch a spare. The policeman that arrived to look at the empty space was called PC Sweeny (Cockney rhyming slang ‘Sweeny’ or ‘Sweeny Todd’ = Flying Squad (at the time a division of the police). I have attached the local newspaper report which is, predictably, even more tongue-in-cheek than the verse!

24/4/99
When I opened the boot sale last Saturday
I noticed that someone had taken the toilets away
I rang the police they sent PC Sweeney
Who agreed that this was the work of a ‘dastardly meanie’
According to the PC known as ‘John’
Police have nothing on which to go on!
By the time the replacement was into position
Many were queuing on a desperate mission
If you are the culprit and are reading this
We all agree “you’ve taken the p***!”

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

Early Breakfast!

Posted on March 18, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s Mothering Sunday/Mother’s Day here in the UK

The Reality:
Cornflakes spilt across the floor
Cleared up gratefully by the dog
Burning toast set off the fire alarm
Silenced by Dad balancing on a kitchen chair
Dried-pasta adorned homemade cards recovered from their hiding places
Escaping pasta shapes re-glued into position
Tray laid with an assortment of cutlery
Daffodils ripped from the garden and wrapped in a supermarket bag
All thrust at the recumbent form of a (suddenly awake) mother enjoying a rare lie-in!

The Memory:
In twenty years time the cards will be recovered from the bottom of a drawer and the only memory that will survive will be the smiles on the young faces that delivered breakfast in bed on that Sunday morning.

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Irish Priest: Highway Ode 2

Posted on March 17, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

In honour of St Patrick’s day, today’s verse is ‘The Irish Priest’ in the ‘Traffic Jam series. Have you ever looked around you while in a traffic jam and noticed the different occupants of cars, coaches and lorries? This is my take on that scene, I hope you enjoy it…

The Irish Priest

Father O’Malley
Sings loudly with glee
Accompanying choirs on his favourite cd
He’s planning his sermon
For his sparse congregation
They’re sinners and spinners who deserve castigation
He’s off to the Bishop
At a quarter past ten
He’s fed up to the back teeth with ordinary men

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Lucky Scratchcard

Posted on March 15, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

A few weeks ago a man walked into a local corner shop and bought a winning scratchcard.
The shopkeeper was delighted, so much so, that he photocopied the card and displayed it proudly in the shop.
So if you’re ever in Baldock, pop into Basra’s on Clothall Common (SG7 6WA), you never know, it may be your turn to be lucky!
The simple notice in the shop led to an idea, I hope you enjoy it…

My wife told me:
“There is great excitement,
at our local grocery store,
photo-copied notice,
displayed upon the door,
they sold a winning scratch card,
worth fifty K,
not a bad return
for a single one-pound-play.”

My response:
All the locals know,
it’s now a winning shop,
customers are queuing,
right around the block,
I joined the lengthy queue,
everything seemed fine,
the next winning ticket,
Oh dear it wasn’t mine,
the car park was full,
I wasn’t going far,
my only winning scratch,
was on my wife’s new car!

My wife told me:
“What’s that ‘effin dent,
on my brand new paintwork?
You scratched it so you mend it now,
before I go berserk!”

My response:
I drove it to the body shop,
prepared to plead and cry,
a photo-copied notice,
immediately caught my eye:
‘All enquires please
to 7 5 3 0 4,
After scratch card win,
I don’t work here anymore!’

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk