The Reluctant Riser!

Posted on August 23, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning I wanted to turn off the alarm, turn over and go back to sleep. It has been a busy fortnight harvesting and cultivating and my get-up-and-go was lying broken under the warm duvet. I lay there, realised that a couple of thousand people are relying on me to open two green gates and leapt out of bed…

Five-past five Saturday morning,
I stretch out my arm,
and attempt to curtail,
the bleedin’ alarm.
Still sleeping peacefully,
two dogs and my wife,
I want to turn over,
Continue dream life!

Dream life is peaceful,
Dream life is calm,
but dream life is stolen,
by the alarm.
In dream life you’re perfect,
incredibly wealthy,
in real life more important,
to be fit and healthy!

So up with the lark,
It’s dawn anyway,
out to the world,
To salute a new day!
New people to meet,
Some dark and some pale,
Laughter and fun,
at the Baldock Boot Sale.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Harvest Home 2014!

Posted on August 22, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

So that was Harvest 2014! A mixed bag in anyone’s books. On this farm wonderfully early with average yields. However in some fields: disastrous outputs caused by choking of the wheat by a weed called Blackgrass. As our weed-killing armoury is restricted further and further by legislation in the UK, but not always abroad, we will have to consider the way forward very carefully. However harvest is over, time to prepare for the next one…

Harvest is over
We all shed a sigh,
Life shifts down a gear
No more dust in the eye!

The earliest harvest,
I’ve known for some years.
We got it all in,
Despite rainy fears.

The final disaster,
A blocked-up conveyor,
Beans spilt everywhere,
Irritating delayer!

But all is not finished,
For any farm men,
As now we prepare,
To start planting again!

The Last Lap of Harvest 2014!

Posted on August 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

We are racing the weather fronts again, as we dash to get all the beans from the field into the shed. In the store the beans are so noisy on their journey that noise-cancelling headphones are the order of the day (and Health & Safety requirement!). But from the road the scene is one of tranquility and harmony as the sun sets on another harvest…

There’s something about a combine,
That draws the ‘ooh’s and the aaah’s!’
Commuters back from the office,
Drive past in their company cars!

They don’t see the dust,
They don’t hear the noise,
But swoon at the machinery,
Like grown-up little boys!

Unwelcome Visitors!

Posted on August 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

We have been plagued with very large wasps for the last few weeks. The unwanted lodgers had moved in to the farmhouse via the high outside attic door. Despite several reminders to ‘sort the situation’, it remained unsorted until an ultimatum was posted. Swift action followed…

For quite some time (two months or more),
Large wasps have buzzed through the attic door.
Now being rather a coward of late,
I’ve been loath to investigate.
But recently we’ve had these pests,
Join us at mealtimes as unwanted guests.
Slowly they’d buzz around the room,
Chased by newspaper, magazine or broom!
“If you don’t do something about them today,
Then in the house alone you’ll stay!”
When this wifely threat in my ear rings,
I got on to Bugs ‘N’ Things!
Out they came, the nest attacked,
Very soon hornets bags were packed!
If you have unwanted guests give them a ring,
It’s much less painful than a Hornet sting!

Bugs ‘N’ Things operate in Bedfordshire, Hertfordshire, Essex, Northamptonshire, Buckinghamshire, Oxfordshire, Leicestershire and across London. http://www.bugsnthings.co.uk

The Four-Legged Thief!

Posted on August 19, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I’m afraid I have to admit that my terrier is a thief. Unfortunately if she were dragged in front of the judiciary the newspapers would report that: ‘the defendant showed no remorse’. Maybe it is in her upbringing and I am at fault, or maybe because she comes from the Fens…

Where oh where can my sandwiches be?
I made them fresh with chicken you see.
I then added a layer of salad cream,
They have vanished, must have been a dream

Where oh where can my biscuits be?
I was to have mid-morning with my flask of tea,
A couple were chocolate and three were plain,
I don’t suppose I’ll see them again!

Where oh where has that terrier gone?
I’ve been in the garden and shouted “Come on!”
Then I spy an abandoned packet of crisps
and there she sits licking her lips!

The ‘Musical’ Toy!

Posted on August 18, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday my daughter was very brave, I was child monitor for the day! Even though I say it myself, I was very well behaved. Just one occasion where a chocolate biscuit was used as a bribe, she tasted my attempt at cooking lunch and ate most of it and we shopped for everyone supper without including chips! However it was when my charge had left that the ‘fun’ started…

Looking after granddaughter yesterday,
She had many toys out to play,
When she’d gone I tidied up,
and had just sat down with a ‘relieving cup’,
When all of a sudden music was heard,
From deep in the basket, quite absurd!
What was making this dreadful noise?
How could anyone sell such tuneless toys?
There was silence when I started to look,
Was it a toy or a musical book?
I emptied the basket out to no avail,
Under the pile it started to wail.
I made a grab down nearest the wall
It was the first thing I found, a ‘musical’ ball!
So if a friend you wish to annoy,
Buy their child a musical toy!

The Bucket of Coffee!

Posted on August 16, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

It would seem that recently some words have changed their meaning. Take the word ‘large’ for instance. It used to be just greater than small. In the past if you ordered a large portion of chips, it would probably have been less than half as much again as a small. With the increase in food/drink outlets ‘large’ seems to have taken on a new meaning…

I stopped for a coffee last Thursday,
Was in desperate need of a hit,
I couldn’t see the wood for the trees,
And was descending deep in the sh*t!
I asked for a large black coffee,
Something to wake me right up,
When it came I couldn’t believe it,
Was a bucket disguised as a cup!
But the time I had emptied the contents,
Was flying as high as a kite,
I was wired like a three-pin wall-socket,
Didn’t sleep at all the next night!
I’ll restrict the use of the ‘L’ word,
From now on I’ll ask for a ‘small’
And so I’m not taken for a glutton,
I won’t ask for a ‘large’ at all!

The Tractor Drivers Mate!

Posted on August 15, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s those little improvements in life that you seldom notice that make the greatest impact. Spending hours on the tractor at the moment makes tractor drivers reliant on a vacuum flask. They have improved beyond all recognition: Gone are the cold dregs at teatime, the insipid taste of stale drink or the death-rattle of a dropped flask. The modern flasks are such an improvement it’s hard to remember the old times…

Beside me on the tractor,
Keeping me company all day long,
My vacuum flask is silver,
And it’s very strong!
I used to go through flasks,
Almost by the week,
They’d break if you dropped them,
The glass inside was weak.
And then you’d have to shake them,
Just to check they’d broke,
you’d get a coffee/glass rattle
Like a percussion shakey-bloke!
But now they never let you down,
Indestructible is their name,
They hold so much coffee,
Got to stop the tractor again!

Plough Followers!

Posted on August 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I spent yesterday ploughing a field at the far end of the farm. It wasn’t long before I had company – a flock of seagulls. Many years ago I worked with a ploughman who hated them and would have ploughed them all in if he could. I like to see them, their variety alleviates the boredom of up and down, up and down, hour after hour at 4mph…

Watching seagulls follow the plough,
I sat back to wonder how,
They found the field with no communication,
Or indeed satellite navigation!
They squawk so I can’t say they tweet,
Which as a line would be quite neat!
They don’t have fingers to give you ‘the bird’,
And have no text to spread the word.
All I can say (and I could be wrong),
It took just minutes before they came along.
They don’t stare or perch in trees,
but steal seaside chips from OAP’s!
Some maintain they’re airborne rats,
Who frighten children, dogs and cats!
But all of this is forgotten now,
As I watch seagulls chase the plough!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Give a man a Fish (and feed him for a day!)…

Posted on August 13, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I am fed up with time-wasting sales calls. However at least they can be dealt with in the appropriate manner. What is more disturbing is the rise in offensive E-mail phishing.
Recently I had no less than seven results for a blood test I’d never had. The ‘doctors’ (Dr Livingston Samuel, Dr Avery Carly, Dr Griffin Sylvia, Dr Puckett Palmer, Dr Boyd Mamie, Dr Welch Houston and Dr Harmon Claudia), all suggested I had cancer. Had I been awaiting real results, this news might have caused real trauma and stress. It is time to stop the callous bastards behind these scams. Unfortunately there is no political will to act because we have such slovenly and useless politicians. Somewhere, money is being well spent in training computer skills…

Give a man a fish,
and feed him for a day,
He may just stay moderate,
not fight the USA!

But teach him how to phish,
With all computer skills,
You’ll feed him for a lifetime,
as he sells fake erectile pills!

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk