Back To Smarties!

Posted on August 12, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I bought a tube of Smarties for what must be the first time since my daughter was at primary school. In the intervening twenty-odd years much has changed. Gone is the round tube with its collectable coloured and lettered plastic top. As for the contents of the new unimaginative colapsible hexagonal package…

Whatever’s happened to Smarties
I heard myself refrain
They say they’re the best taste
Yet they don’t taste the same

Their taste is unexciting
Colour no longer six
They are almost bad enough
To be sold from ‘Pick and Mix’

I know that I’m an oldie
And oldies must complain
But bring back original Smarties
This change is just a shame!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Remains of the (American) Day!

Posted on August 10, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Today the UK has been hit by the remains of Hurricane Bertha. An American friend e-mailed a photo taken in Portland US yesterday which showed a multi-forked lightening strike near a well-known local monument. We battened down the hatches in preparation for some American left-overs…

The remains of Hurricane Bertha
Have been around today
Rain and hail with lightening
Strong winds have made trees sway!
But this time lacked Michael Fish
(On Utube you can play)
In Ninety-Seven he forecasted:
“No hurricane on its way!”
Hurricane Bertha picture from Portland. Maine, USA. Unknown Photographer.

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Karma Gets Its Man!

Posted on August 9, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Sometimes it amazes me the sights you see in town. Just because someone has a shiny new car with personalised plate, it seems to give them authority over us mere onlookers! Sometimes however Karma catches up with them…

I’ve a fancy soft-top car,
I call everybody ‘Mate’
I parked it on the pavement
I was running late!
It blocked the entrance to a shop
Ambulance couldn’t get through
And when I finally returned
The tow truck had been too!

Charlotte and the Waves!

Posted on August 8, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday morning, while we were all tucked up safely in our warm beds, friend Charlotte stepped into the sea near Dover. Just after 8pm last night she briefly stepped onto French soil. This is a massive achievement that most mortals would not even contemplate. The word ‘respect’ seems inadequate…

Dolly the horse spoke to Buzz the Spaniel,
“My mummy’s just swum the English Channel”
Buzz, not wishing to sound absurd,
“Are you sure that ‘Channel’ is a word?”
Dolly replied “it’s like a pond,
That stretches to Hatfield and beyond,
You enter the water at Dover Beach,
And swim until France you reach!
She’ll be back home very soon,
Can’t wait to see her I’m over the moon!
I’ll wait until there is no crowd,
Giver her a bite and tell her I’m proud!”

If you are able, please help to top up the fantastic amount that Charlotte has raised for charity. Please visit www.chchch.co.uk and give what you can spare in honour of this massive achievement. http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/CharlotteBenton

Old Age Awaits us All!

Posted on August 6, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

While waiting in a car park the other day I was enjoying a spot of people-spotting. An old lady was making her way along the pavement. I realised that as a society we ignore the elderly and treat them like pariahs rather than former wealth-creators. Invisibility is their only reward…

I sit on the bed to put on my socks
I can no longer touch my toes
My toenails are now like rhino horn
That’s how old age goes

I need my specs to find my specs
The truth the mirror shows
I hope my eyesight doesn’t improve
That’s how old age goes!

My legs are next to useless
Now a burden I suppose
Some used to find them attractive
That’s how old age goes

My teeth I drown in a mug at night
Iced over when it snows
Can’t afford to pay for heating
That’s how old age goes!

My friends have predeceased me
I’ve buried all my foes
I’ve no one left who knows me
That’s how old age goes!

800 Not Out!

Posted on August 6, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Let me set the scene: it is well after midnight and I’m watching the grain store. The moon is completely surrounded by a watery glow, there is a gentle far-away roar of the combine harvester and we’re attempting to beat the rain that is forecast for 2am by harvesting into the night. I’m listening to Si Cranstoun singing ‘Caught in the Moonlight’, a merry little number that makes me almost want to dance (unfortunately not only am I allergic to dancing but it would also constitute a gross act of criminality in Health and Safety terms). Every so often my thoughts are interrupted by the tractor and trailer that spills yet more wheat into the intake pit and I’m forced to use a brush to sweep!
I open up my trusty dusty Mac and log onto my Bard page. Holy Moley Guacamole! I had no idea, this is my 800th daily offering…

I have published 800 verses
Call the doctor and the nurses!
Call the men in their white coats
Call the men who stare at goats!
Every morning come rain or shine
I compete another rhyme!
What I’ll write I never know
Look for a picture and off we go!
Sometimes funny sometimes sad
Sometimes good mostly bad!
Some hardy folk ask for more
Today’s is covered in dust from the store!
So thank you for reading this silly rhyme
I hope I’ll see you another time!
Postscript: The last wheat went into the barn just after 2.01am followed by rain at 2.10am. That’s a close call in anyone’s language! So that’s all the wheat in the barn, just beans to go and they’re still green!

Majestic Antlers!

Posted on August 5, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

While harvesting yesterday I noticed two pairs of antlers poking out from the crop. It was a wonderful sight. Luckily I had my trusty camera by my side and was able to capture the moment…

Antlers are such a giveaway,
When you’re hiding away!
They poke out above the crop,
“I’m over here please don’t stop!”
At the last moment they break cover
Safety in numbers means each other
Off they run towards the wood
Shot by a camera as majestic should!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Rain, Rain, Go Away!

Posted on August 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I’ve had a serious complaint about the car boot sales that I run on a Saturday morning. Apparently a man is very unhappy that he turned up on Saturday at around 10am and most stalls had either gone or were packing up. He’s not half as miffed as I am! Almost every other Saturday this season has been wet or showery, will the person who insists on treading on every spider he comes across please desist…

Every other Saturday at the car boot sale,
This summer weather rains without fail.
I’m beginning to think it’s something I’ve done,
It’s my fault we’ve had no sun!
Then I realize it’s not just me,
And unfortunately that’s how it be!
Without the rain that we’ve seen,
All would be brown instead of green.
The reservoirs would be empty and wan,
Resulting in a hosepipe ban!

Air Conditioning!

Posted on August 2, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

My 22-month-old granddaughter is a born fiddler! She particularly enjoys playing with switches and handles. Sometimes with unexpected consequences…

I drove down the road,
On a hot afternoon,
The sweat poured from me,
I thought that I might swoon.
I turned on the air con,
Windows all right down,
It was even hotter,
By the time I entered town!
Just after I parked,
My resolve almost shot,
I looked down at the heater controls,
They’d been turned to HOT!

Idiot Of The Year Award, Gold-Plated Winner: ME!

Posted on August 1, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday afternoon we went to use the welder in our workshop only to find it wouldn’t work. We tried inserting a new welding rod, we upped the power, we checked the terminals and took the large plug apart. Then we tried the workshop lights which refused to raise even a glimmer. After I looked at the large power input board to the farm I gave up and called our electrician…

I couldn’t use the welder,
There was no power,
I’d been trying,
For almost half an hour!
I went looking,
In the back of the shed,
For some sort of fuse,
Found cobwebs instead!
So I rang our Sparks
“Please can you come?
The welder is dead
Not even a hummm!”

“I can’t come now,
But see you in the morning,
Just leave it alone,
With power there’s no warning!”
On my way back,
In the next door barn,
I found a switch,
Faced it with alarm!
‘Workshop Power’
In large letters glowing,
I switched it on,
The electric started flowing!

My next move,
Apologise to Dean,
“I’ve been a plonker,
Biggest you have seen!
I turned off everything,
Before I went to bed,
Didn’t think about the workshop,
Never entered my silly head!”
The moral of the tale:
Check every switch,
Before your Sparks wastes a journey,
That lands you in the ditch!