The Agricultural Show-goers!

Posted on June 26, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day in the blazing sunshine I went to an agricultural show. It is a great place to ‘people watch’ as farmers these days come in all shapes, sizes and by no means all wear tweed! I happened to spot a couple that were not wearing matching agricultural uniform, this lead me to write this…

A young farmer that I know,
Took a girl to an agricultural show.
When she asked him what she should wear,
He said “anything I don’t care!”
When she asked him what she’d see,
He said “plenty, including me!”
“There’ll be cows and bulls, sheep and rams,
Oh! And pigs for quite exquisite hams!
Then there’ll be combine harvesters, tractors and ploughs,
And all sorts of gadgets for milking cows!
There’ll be balers for straw and turners for hay,
Loaders and chasers to cart it away!
But above all else and this is true,
The most important thing there will be you!”

So she spent all day tramping around,
Following his progress on the showground.
As he chatted with reps who explained their machines,
She fumed because she could have worn jeans!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
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Every Saturday until October!
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Is It All Over? It Is Now!

Posted on June 24, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Anything with the faintest resemblance to a flag of St George is suddenly in the recycling or remainder bin. Is it too much to hope that its association with a bunch of over-paid, under-achieving, surrender-boys is over? In most parts of this country the sound of ‘En-Ger-Lund, En-Ger-Lund, En-Ger-Lund’ is enough to induce desperation…

“Flags half price! Support your National Team!
You don’t have to be Mancurian or live down in Cheam!
Enjoy your favourite cuppa from an En-Ger-Land mug,
And you’ll be reminded, they went right down the plug!”
“Hey! Lady, like a hat? Down from two-ninety-nine,
Or a large England glass holds a bottle of wine!
Or one used manager, for just 3.5 million pound,
Like a virgin, never progressed, past the first round!”
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Angry Pavement Riders!

Posted on June 23, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was walking down the high street of a local town yesterday when I was sworn at by a Scooterist. My crime, although not obvious to me at the time, was walking on a pavement. Apparently I should have known that the fat-chariot was behind me and dived out of the way. The mobility scooters have the ability to give the elderly their freedom, however they are given a bad name by the angry brigade who are often obese and should be walking…

I was walking down the high street yesterday,
When a woman on a scooter yelled: “Get out my ‘effin way!”
I was so surprised while carrying my heavy load,
That I stepped out of her way right into the busy road.

She laughed so much that she begin to shake,
She could have run a chip shop as the fat did wobble make!
She continued on her way shouting, I think she said ‘Fork!’,
It would have made her healthier if she’d been made to walk.

As I raised up my camera the woman filled the shot,
She turned around to swear, “You’d better ‘effin not!”
By then the shot was ruined, the focus wouldn’t be,
I gave up, turned around, and went off home for tea!

The rules of civilization don’t seem to apply to them,
As they terrorise the pavement, fat women and fat men,
But why be so angry, why do they have to scream and shout
The burger bars are opening, they think they might run out!

*Picture above – Serving suggestion only!

Forty-Eight Years Later…!

Posted on June 21, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Forty-eight years ago I was given a First Day Cover where the General Post Office had over-printed a stamp with ‘England Winners’. This simply altered stamp rather sums up the difference between then and now. In those days footballers earned a wage, it was the greatest honour to represent their country, tackles on the pitch were crunching and it was not unusual for them to run a pub on retirement. Such a far cry from todays touch-and-fall-to-‘win’-a-penalty, media-posing, Wag-posturing, prima-donnas, where even the manager earns over £67,000 a week. So much has changed in nearly fifty years, many things for the better, but some of the changes make you wonder…

Sea lions on their shirts
And they’re coming home,
They should have stayed in Brazil,
By beating the team from Rome!
There’ll be calls to retire the manager,
To a bungalow by the sea,
Where in a wingback chair he can dribble,
No chance of a penalty!
However they’ve one remaining fixture,
Before they board the plane,
Perhaps they can share the aircraft,
With the exiting team from Spain.

…hopefully better luck next time!

The Pirate and the Grandfather!

Posted on June 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I spent time with my nineteen-month-old granddaughter. We sang, we laughed, we growled, we walked and we played pirates. I had a great time! However, like eating too much cheese before bedtime, all this exuberance led to some very strange dreams…

T’was the middle of the night,
About a quarter past three,
When I awoke in my bedroom,
A pirate looking at me!

“Your money or your life” he growled,
In his piratical way,
“You’d better make your mind up fast,
I haven’t got all day!”

“You’re a no-good landlubber,
Aaarh’s what I have to say!
I’ll see you walk the plank,
If you fail to pay!”

I’d had quite enough:
“Don’t be such a muppet!
You haven’t got a backbone,
You’re just a finger puppet!”

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Teenagers, the Same the World Over!

Posted on June 19, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The Canadian goslings that were hatched in April (http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=5352) are now teenagers! Their parents, who have done everything for them, now despair at their behaviour and look forward to the day when they literally fly the nest…

“I can’t find my PE kit,
I left it by the pond,
Gaby stole my hairbrush,
is acting like a blonde!”

“Geoffrey ate my breakfast,
Now he’s standing on my toe,
He’s also chewing on a stick,
Mum please tell him ‘no’!”

“Have you seen my homework?
Was on the water’s edge,
I think Gordon copied it,
Has thrown it in the hedge!”

“Dad, Gemma is a goody goody,
Why does she do no wrong?
She runs to mummy every time,
I tell her she does pong!”

The mother looks to the father,
“I know it seems a bore,
Very soon they’ll fly the nest,
It’ll then be time for more!”

Time Alters Relationships!

Posted on June 18, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s strange how relationships alter with time! You can always tell when a man has a new girlfriend: his beer consumption halves, he is suddenly unavailable for golf, football or the pub and he looks unusually tidy! I suppose the same could be said about the ‘fairer sex’…

An old friend once said to me:
“My girlfriend never farts you see!
If her jeans went up in flames,
It would be the dog she blames!
The only problem I’m aware,
Is when the bloody dog’s not there,
Then the blame is obvious to see,
The culprit at such times is me!”

All can’t be bad in his life,
Because she ended up his wife!

The World Needs Experts (like a fish needs a hair straightener)

Posted on June 17, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever been doing a job when a voice from behind you says: “I wouldn’t have done it like that!” At present every politician who has ever held office is complaining about a former Prime Minister’s comments regarding Iraq. Now I have never been a fan of the former PM, but his comments have given others a golden opportunity to say: “I wouldn’t have done it like that” from over his shoulder…

The men look over the shoulder,
Of the one doing the job,
They’re busy with advice,
While he wishes they’d just shut their gob!
“Why don’t you,” and “If I were you,”
The phrases that they most use,
Not noticing that the man doing,
Takes no notice of their views!

Dolly the Extremist Horse!

Posted on June 15, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I walked across the field the other day and was shocked to the very core. Dolly, who lives on the farm, was wearing some sort of veil and all-over body covering. Concerned that she might arouse the attention of the Home Secretary or the Education Minister, I made my excuses and left…

Dolly’s been radicalised,
Dolly’s gone to far,
But I think we’re safe,
She won’t fit in a car!

She’s bound to make a protest,
That she’s not allowed free rein,
She’s on a low-grass diet,
That encourages her to complain!

She wasn’t radicalized in the classroom,
(Doesn’t go to school of course),
The Prime Minister isn’t interested,
She’s just a Trojan Horse!

The Fox and our Hens

Posted on June 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

We have become very attached to our chickens. They all have different personalities and are named! (from left above: Happy Hen, Nosey Hen, Overfriendly Hen, Grey Hen and Upthedrive Hen). So perhaps it’s or fault that a fox-strike affects us so much. Early this morning I was awoken by the sound of slaughter…

I’m not normally violent,
It’s just not me,
But last night a fox,
Went on a killing spree.
The henhouse is protected,
By an electronic gate,
Which suffered a malfunction,
Leaving them to their fate.
I was in bed,
Prior to an early morning,
When I heard hens scream,
A nasty eerie warning.
I rushed outside,
Torch in hand,
Not wishing to see,
What the fox had planned.
There was the fox,
in the middle of slaughter,
I didn’t have a gun,
But I knew I ought-a.
While he was killing,
I stood there fumin’
The only others who kill like that,
I’m afraid to say are human.