If Carlsberg did Health and Safety Advisors!

Posted on April 3, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I had a visit from an advisor concerning Health and Safety. Normally anyone concerned with this most serious of subjects is to be found wearing an expanse of tweed, a mop of greying hair and an accusatory finger that wags at the smallest risk. I was relieved and impressed…

Liz arrived on the farm to check it out,
To advise on compliance if any doubt.
Risk assessment is her forte,
Whether guards astray or non-compliance-naughty.
There were a few signs that should have been there,
To highlight fragile roofs up in the air.
She saw all the things the schoolchildren see,
And outlined any risks that there could be.
So if your assesments are not up to scratch,
You’d better invite Liz to look over your patch!

Liz is available through the National Farmers Union to assess Health and Safety and can be contacted through the Wellingborough office (01933 303 232). We all wish her the very best when she is married later this month.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Contented Water Snail!

Posted on April 2, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was down by the river the other day when a boat passed. Nothing at all unusual in that you might say, however this was the floating home of its owner. A dog in a life jacket ran along the roof as it gently meandered along at a sedate four miles per hour. I began to wonder who had the right lifestyle, him or me…

Floating down the river,
With time on his hands,
It doesn’t matter when he arrives,
He hasn’t any plans.
His dog runs up and down,
Barking at the geese,
He has no land-side bonds,
Except a distant niece!
This week he’s on the river,
Next week the canals he’ll sail,
He’s happy and contented,
A live-aboard water snail!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Esmerelda, The Lost Hen of the Him-a-Layers!

Posted on April 1, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

We had a school party visit the farm yesterday. Unfortunately one of our resident hens had decided to go feral and refused to go into the hen house on Sunday evening. We feared the worst, expecting to find body parts, following the close attention of Mr Fox. However during the school visit there was a sudden clucking from unexpected quarters and Esmerelda the Escapologist made a grand entrance…

The Lost Hen of the Him-a-Layers,
Is hiding out of sight,
Ready to give schoolchildren,
Something of a fright!
She creeps up behind them,
And with a deep deep voice,
Says “I’m a Him-a-Layer,
To meet you is quite nice!”

She then runs around the corner,
And hides up once again,
She enjoys playing hide-and-seek,
She’s a game-playing kind of hen!
Next time she might wear a party hat,
And play a green Kazzoo,
And march around the farmyard,
Hoping to impress you!

There is only one little problem,
Eggs she’s supposed to lay,
They all end up scrambled,
‘Cos all she wants to do is play!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Remembering my Mother on Mother’s Day…

Posted on March 31, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day here in the UK…

I was thinking about how many people no longer had mothers to thank on ‘Mothers Day’.
I suddenly remembered with great clarity, the last time I saw my mother.
I was spending three months in County Cork while my wife did a cookery course at the world-famous Ballymaloe Cookery School.
My mother and father flew over for a week to visit. I showed them all around County Cork sharing the places I’d discovered. The week was soon over and it was time to see them off at the airport.
The departure gate at Cork Airport is upstairs in the terminal and I carried their case on the escalator. Then we parted at the gate.
On my way down the escalator I suddenly had this very clear vision that I’d never see my mother again. In vain I tried to climb the down escalator, having to resort to continuing to the bottom and then running up the one going up. When I reached the top needless to say they had disappeared from view.
Four weeks later my mother suffered a fatal stroke while tidying up her grandson’s grave. Although I saw her in the hospital back home just before she died, I still consider that my ‘true goodbye’ was at Cork Airport.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mum.

Your Son,

Baldock Bard.

Nothing to See Here, Move Along!

Posted on March 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There are times we all hate technology, mainly when it refuses to work. This morning I detest it for one simple reason. For the last 691 posts I have been able to add photographs to enhance the reader’s enjoyment of my humble offerings. At times the power of the visual has thankfully overshadowed the poor quality of the verse. However, having migrated to a new server, I now find it will no longer accept uploads. Therefore this verse comes to you naked…

Here I sit in disgrace,
A puzzled look upon my face,
The ‘effin programme it no work,
It just answers with a shirk.
I’ve tried to plead for cooperation,
But the helpdesk is in another nation!
So no photo can you see,
The fault’s elsewhere not with me.
Maybe next week it will normal be,
That is with the dogs you see!
So before anything gets worse,
I’m sending you a naked verse!

The Message I Left on Your Phone…!

Posted on March 28, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s Friday again and my brain has entered ‘the weekend phase!’ Despite having been warned many times that it can lead to no good, concentration levels on this final day of the working week are unsustainable. I have done all I can do to fight this unfortunate state of affairs to no avail. So this one’s for all of you having a similar problem at work this morning…

I rang and you were out,
so I left a message.
On it I said I was ringing because…
at that moment,
I was interrupted,
by the dogs barking because,
somebody was at the door.

I went to the door,
it was a delivery,
but not for me as,
flowers are not really my thing,
and my name isn’t Sandra!
So I shut the door and
was about to put the kettle on,
when I was interrupted…
by a shout from upstairs.

I ran upstairs until I remembered,
that I was alone in the house,
and dogs bark not shout.
I was just coming back down,
when I heard…
the sound of the phone
ringing loudly
somewhere,
but where had I left it?

Unfortunately
as I came down the stairs
a large chasm
opened up,
just by the lowest step.
I had to jump for my life,
and I fell
out of bed!

March – In Like a Lamb!

Posted on March 27, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

March started off warm and dry, quite a change from the ultra-wet preceding months. There is an old saying that if March starts off warm, we all end up paying for it with bad weather at the end of the month. Yesterday we had a school party from North London. When they arrived it was chilly and dry, by the time they left it was a very different story…
The children arrived from Camden by bus,
It was a little chilly, but they made no fuss!
We showed them in the shed, what we grown on the farm,
Then said, ‘we’ll go outside,’ still no sign of alarm!
We walked through the woods looking for deer,
Dissected an owl’s pellet, still no rain near.
Then back to the barn, rather cold to have lunch,
A slightly worn-out, but still happy bunch!
Then out to the field for a large run-about,
Down came the hail, with no warning shout!
Then off to see Dolly, the resident horse,
Who looked at the throng, “Ah! children, of course!”
Then to the tractor and see chicks on the floor,
Alas the heavens opened, it started to pour!
We waved the coach off, down the A10,
Just as the heavens opened, yes, raining again!
Then it turned to snow, blizzarding hard,
We ran to the shed from the open yard!
According to a man I know who’s called Ryan,
March comes in like a lamb and goes out like a lion!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

A Surprise Inside the New Toolbox!

Posted on March 26, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I went into the Biggleswade branch of Homebase to buy a storage box. Storage boxes are one of those items that no matter how many you buy, you always need another! I was going to buy a small one to put a few tools in. Then I got distracted…

I bought myself a toolbox,
For fourteen-ninety-nine!
When I got it home,
I said “I’ll write you a rhyme!”
But when I went to open it,
You should have seen my face,
For it was carrying a baby,
A bonus from Homebase!
So now they live together,
In the cupboard side by side,
Ma and baby doing well…
…along with the bucket that came along for the ride!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Malice through the Bedside Glass!

Posted on March 25, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There was a cautionary tale in the media recently about a man whose teeth fell out. He had been addicted to sugary drinks, had gone abroad for some cheap replacement dentures and suffered disastrous consequences. However this is nothing compared to the embarrassment felt in the following tale…

Jayden Smith is quite bereft,
Thanks to cola he’s no teeth left!
He can’t blame Pepsi, he can’t blame Coke,
Own-brand Cola floats his boat!
The only bonus is quite fulfilling,
No more dentist, no more drilling!

He took a girl home to bed,
In the middle of passion she suddenly said:
“What are those things in the glass I see?
If they’re your teeth, your’re history!”
He opened his mouth to tell her ‘No!’,
She screamed, “Is that the time? I must go!”

The moral of the tale is easy to give,
If you date with dentures use fixative!

Authors note: The name used here (and the unfortunate event) is an entire fabrication and bears no resemblance to anyone likewise named. No animals were harmed in the manufacture of this product. Serving suggestion only!

Something’s Happening in the Woodshed!

Posted on March 24, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I went to the woodshed and chopped some kindling with my small bill (or axe). It is a mindless occupation with an added thrill of sharp blade near fingers! So far, hands are leading by 2-0 (10-nil on aggregate). I had an uncle once who lost all his fingers on one hand to the postman wielding an axe. The following year this was repeated once again but on the other hand this time! ‘Chopper-Emptor’ as they used to say in Ancient Rome…

There’s something about chopping kindling
That gives me a really great thrill
It’s not the splitting of timber
Whist wielding a bloody great bill!

It’s more the noise of the crack
Sounds like a persistent knock
I think of those who’ve annoyed me
While I imagine their heads on the block!