That Monday Morning Feeling (on a Thursday!)

Posted on January 2, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

This morning, in a positive frame of mind, I turned on the news. Commuters going back to work and complaining about fare rises formed such a large part of the content that I pressed the red button within seconds. Then I realised that it was a sign. Christmas is back in the box, it’s back to reality and the rubbish needs to go out…

It feels like Monday morning,
All Christmas magic stripped away,
We’re back to work,
Not even a smirk,
Months ’till the next holiday!

The Christmas tree to the garden,
The wrapping paper to the loft,
Empty bottles in,
The recycling bin,
From food waste a turkey waft!

So here’s to 2014,
Resolutions wearing thin!
What the year will be,
We wait and see,
Now last year’s in the bin!

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The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Impact of Last Years Words!

Posted on January 1, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

As with any year, words played a great part in 2013. However one person showed how important it is to have even a smattering of understanding when there is a translator doing the talking…

Imagine if…
During an important meeting,
Where let’s say, missiles are the topic,
The translator translating to a president the words of the president opposite,
Suddenly whispers:
“Oh, and by the way, he likes the way you’ve done your hair this morning and asks if you fancy going up to his suite for a coffee later?”
When in truth the president the other side of the table had said:
“I can see no way forward in reducing medium range missiles as you won’t reduce your long range rockets”
Or…
The unsuccessful job applicant who uses a free internet translation service that turns ‘yours sincerely’ into ‘your mother has the knees of a chicken and your sister the tongue of a snake!’
Or…
If Thamsanqa Jantjie, when ‘signing’ at the memorial service for Nelson Mandela had translated President Obamas speech as “Blah, Blah, Blah, Elephant, Giraffe, tiger, Lion!”
I think Mandela would have smiled.
If reports of his sense of humour are true, perhaps he smiled anyway!
Here’s wishing you and yours health and happiness in 2014…
…and watch those words!

The Rite of Passage!

Posted on December 31, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Back in the day, an important rite of passage was the first car. I had a second-hand Mini from Jenkins Garage in Baldock. The open road was suddenly all mine and like Toad of Toad Hall, I couldn’t wait to go ‘Poop Poop!’ These days, as with almost everything, rites of passage occur at an earlier age. My granddaughter (1yr 4months) has just taken delivery of her first car…
My granddaughter has a brand new car
It’s yellow, red and plastic,
She sits in it with monkey,
To her it’s just fantastic!

It is ecologically sound,
Doesn’t run on fuel,
No MOT or road tax,
It’s cheaper than a mule!

No congestion charge to pay,
Because of no emissions,
If PC Brock tells them to stop,
She and monkey change positions!

Wishing you all the best for 2014 and thank you for keeping me on track during 615 days of rhyming scribbles!
Hope I continue to ‘amuse-par-bouche’ in 2014
HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The Dangers of Fruit Punch (part two)

Posted on December 30, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago, in the late seventies when I was a student, the standard drink at student parties was a fruit punch. This innocent formulae generally involved tipping bottles of Hirondelle (or other uber-cheap wine), into a washing up bowl, adding a couple of segmented oranges, some orange juice and a small bottle of spirits. Central to the recipe was the hope that person’s unknown would add some alcohol or other goodies as the night wore on…

I once went to a party,
As a student some years ago,
A girl staggered up to the punch bowl,
And up, into it, she did throw!

A student approached the drinks table,
Had a beard, was talking much sh*t,
“This punch appears to be fruity,
I wonder what they put in it?”

(Part one can be found here: http://bit.ly/1cgrXKx)

The Fussy Eater (ungrateful little sod!)

Posted on December 29, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was recently listening to a mother who was being run ragged by her infant. She was berating the fact that he would only eat recognised brands of food. She was quite taken aback when I suggested that her son was an ungrateful little sod. My recommendation that food should be withheld until he was hungry enough to eat it, also fell on deaf ears (names have been changed!)…

I knew a child called Alfie Sands
Was allergic to eating certain brands!
Everything that came to his table
Had to come with a specific label

His poor mother spent her time
Avoiding brands that made him whine!
In an attempt to cut her bill
She bought own-brand, it made him ‘ill’

Some years later when he’d flown the nest
His shopping budget wasn’t the best
When cheaper food was procured
To his surprise he found himself cured!

What Day is it Today?

Posted on December 28, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Does anyone know what day of the week it is? Having Christmas festivities in midweek makes it all the more difficult to adjust the body-clock back to normal…

Christmas was like Sunday,
With a Bank Holiday Monday next,
Then I think came Tuesday,
Which made me awful vexed.
So I think yesterday was Wednesday,
Which is where I came in,
So today may be Thursday,
And I’ve already filled the bin!
Which isn’t collected ‘till Monday,
Which I think is four days away,
Or they may collect on Tuesday,
What did that notice say?
I’m back to work in the New Year,
Which I think on Wednesday may be,
But if it’s not, I’ll have forgot,
And I’ll be all at sea!

The Christmas Roll

Posted on December 27, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We have had a houseful of friends here at Bard Towers over the Christmas period. Providing supplies for the friendly invasion has been a joint effort from all. However when it came down to ‘those seasonal extras’ there were some surprises…

A friend brought some Christmas loo-roll,
An extravagance unsurpassed,
With a household of good eaters,
We’ve got though it quite fast!
On the day after Christmas,
There was even a queue,
Some weren’t as desperate,
And said politely “after you!”
And now the holiday’s winding down,
And we are quite bereft,
Because in the smallest room,
There’s only one roll left!

Boxing Day (round two by a knockout!)

Posted on December 26, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I’m not sure of the modern meaning of ‘Boxing Day’. I’m not even sure of what it represents apart from as a safety cushion between the culinary and alcoholic excess of the day before and the return to reality the day after. It doesn’t really matter what it stands for as to be honest I’m still past caring…

Boxing Day is here at last,
Christmas holidays fading fast,
Wrapping paper in a cardboard box,
What’s under the tree? Kevin’s socks!
Uncle Pete is banged to rights,
Down in Surrey he’s got no lights!
No cold turkey, sprouts or spuds,
He’s surrounded by fast-flowing floods
Uncle Alex after a long walk (bracing),
Snores in front of the TV racing!
Others sit in an electronic haze,
Digital delights on Christmas days!
So here we sit Boxing Day afternoon,
An excess evacuation will be needed soon!

A Dark Christmas Eve!

Posted on December 24, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I remember some years ago looking at an old painting depicting a Nineteenth Century Christmas and wondering what it was really like. I need wonder no more. Following last nights storms we are on the news as: “Thousands of houses were without power last night as storms….” How many times have we heard that phrase from a smug position and not even thought ‘Poor Sods‘? No more wondering for me…

Was the night before Christmas Eve,
Around ten O’clock hour,
Suddenly darkness,
We have no power!
The wind it is howling,
Like Hounds of Hell,
The night is not cold,
That’s just as well!
The turkey is resting,
In the non-refrigerator,
There’s wracking of brains,
How’ll we’ll cook it later!
Nothing is working,
No communication ways,
So I wish you Happy Christmas,
It’s just like old days!

Baldock Bard from mobile tablet (slate with chalk!)

The Dangers of Cheap Alcohol

Posted on December 23, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

A recent news item warned of the dangers associated with cheap alcohol, bottled in shady industrial units and sold to unsuspecting customers. It reminded me of a story my late father-in-law used to tell: During the Second World War he was a scientist in a laboratory for Royal Ordnance, discovering ever more powerful high explosives. He told about two co-scientists who were holding a party one Christmas. Wartime supplies had led to a shortfall of ingredients and as a result their mixture turned out to be lethal…

Some scientists were having a party,
They worked making TNT,
Alcohol was scarce on the high street,
But in the lab the neat stuff was free!

The two concocted a fruit punch,
Industrial alcohol glugged by the score,
With each new batch they tested,
They added just a soupçon more!

When the guests arrived at the party,
They couldn’t get in through the door,
When they looked in through the windows,
Their hosts were dead on the floor.