Loo Roll Blues!

Posted on October 25, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever been caught in a compromising position? You’ve snuck off for some private ‘me-time’ and events transpire to humiliate. The basic idea for the following comes from a friend who happened to witness his trouser-less neighbour through the French Windows (Not a pretty sight by all accounts)! The moral of the story must be: Always check before taking your seat at any performance…

I went to the smallest room in the house,
Concealed magazine, quiet as a mouse!
I sat upon the throne obliquely,
Peace and quiet with Farmers Weekly!

After a while, can’t say how long,
I began to sense something was wrong.
I swore and almost lost control
Not enough paper left on the roll!

Then I remembered some elsewhere,
With legs restricted by underwear,
I hopped like a bunny through the door,
Ended up in a heap upon the floor!

At that moment heard the phone ring,
It wouldn’t stop for anything!
I crawled like a toddler to the phone,
Right by the window to my neighbours home!

I told the call centre I was indisposed,
Didn’t dare say I had no clothes!
At the glass front door just in case,
I quickened my crawl towards the staircase!

Halfway up I entered Hell,
Down the stairs I bounced and fell.
At the bottom my wife shouted ‘What?’
She’d been to fetch loo roll from the shop!

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

A Tail of Three Monkeys!

Posted on October 24, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

My granddaughter Marsya has a monkey that is her constant companion. In order to preserve the bloodline there are also two spares! If the three monkeys ever meet they have to be forcibly separated. They tend to become vicious and attempt to discredit the other in an effort to become ‘The One!’ As they say in films, ‘It’s Complicated’…
Spare Monkey lies upon the floor,
He’s just been dropped his head is sore!
He thinks he may be on his way,
To join them all on holiday!
But we all know that won’t be,
There’s only room for one monkey!
Other Spare Monkey sits upon the chair,
Sulking because she’s not there,
He knows that she’s on holiday.
Why he was left no one will say,
So he sits with an angry face,
Because he was left out from the case!
Main Monkey sits in his rightful place,
Just an inch from Marsya’s face!
The other monkeys can go swing,
They are spares, he’s the thing!
However he tells them it’s not all fun,
“You have to work hard to be Number One!”

The Baldock Boot Sale is open at 7am on Saturday
for the last time until April 26^th 2014
When we’ll reopen for our Twenty-second season!!
Still with FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
‘We’ll see you there!”

Love thy Neighbour, Hate his Bonfire!

Posted on October 23, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Last week a man I vaguely know, I shall call him Bert, had a bonfire at the bottom of his garden in a local town. He was justly proud of the leaping flames, the warm hands and the saving of fossil fuels (and thus by default the planet) by sending less weight in the dustcart. However (in his words, not mine) his sandal-wearing, environmentally aware, non-deodorant using, hairdresser-avoiding, hairy-armpitted neighbour, apparently viewed his actions slightly differently…

Neighbour Ms Brown needs to calm down,
Or she’ll self-ignite!
She’s just so upset with  scorched winceyette,
“Because it’s not right!”

She’s disturbing the peace will call the police,
Because of his fire.
He’s keeping warm while she’s in full swarm,
“Shall I add a tyre?”

She will self-immolate  she’s been very tense of late,
“Global Warming,” she cries!
His rubbish now burnt he has now learnt,
To keep smoke from his eyes!

A ‘friend of the earth’ nosey council jobs-worth,
Gives him a warning!
He’ll take no heed of official tumbleweed,
Will now burn early morning!

For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Dirty Panda goes to the Supermarket!

Posted on October 22, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I was in a supermarket queuing for the checkouts. In front of me in the queue was a toddler and her mother. The little girl was sitting in the trolley clutching a furry panda that fell to the floor. I picked it up for her and earned a suspicious look from her mother and a snatch-back from the child. I simply shrugged my shoulders and looked the other way. What has the world come to I wondered, next time it stays on the supermarket floor…

Alice had a panda,
(She’s three!)
Her favourite toy,
Anne Me!

They went to the zoo,
Guess who went too?
Anne Me!

They went out for tea,
Guess who made three?
Anne Me!

They went to the coast,
Who liked it the most?
Anne Me!

They went to the shops,
Excitement non-stops,
Anne Me!

She fell from her hand,
Picked up by A MAN!
T’was just after three,
Now she’s dirty you see!
Silly old, dirty Anne Me!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Missing Tractor!

Posted on October 20, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

A few weeks ago I came across an old Massey-Ferguson tractor chained to a lamppost. It reminded me of foolish ways when I was young: Many years ago when I was just 15 and had just passed my tractor driving test, I ‘borrowed’ a tractor from the farm. I had a friend to stay and decided to use my newly-acquired qualification to transport us both to the local pub. Needless to sat the excursion ended badly…

“Let’s take some transport up to the pub!”
I said to my friend from town,
We can drive there via the lanes,
Much quicker than walking around.

We took the tractor from the shed,
As cool as cool can be,
Five minutes later we were sat in the pub,
The time was 7:03!

Within two hours we’d sunk some pints,
and were heading for the floor,
I said to my friend who was slurring his words
“We’ve enough time for a few more!”

On the way out we clung to the door,
So we didn’t fall outside,
We walked down the lane in a dreadful state
We’d only forgotten our ride!

We arrived at the farm covered in mud,
Our head and knees were sore,
We’d fallen in a ditch in a field,
We couldn’t drink any more!

The following day having suffered all night
At breakfast my old man said:
“I cannot believe the tractor has gone,
I’m sure I left it locked in the shed?”

I looked at my friend he’d turned white,
I remembered in a flash where it be,
So despite feeling bad I ran to the pub,
There it sat: unlocked, with the key!

The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk

The End of Term at the Boot Sale!

Posted on October 19, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

For the last twenty-one years the last Saturday of the car boot sale season has felt like the end of term at a school. Like a school we shall have leavers who we won’t see again and next ‘term’ we shall enjoy meeting new customers. In this business the main asset are the people. Someone once said to me, “you take it too personally!” Damn right I do it’s personal…

It’s the end of term at the bootsale,
One last chance to buy or to sell,
Because next week it’ll be empty,
No buyers will be here as well!

It’s the end of term at the bootsale,
The stalls will be packed away,
Boxes returned to the garage
To see daylight some other day!

It’s the end of term at the bootsale,
The field will soon be clear.
The people will all have parted,
“Goodbye! We’ll see you next year!”

It’s the end of term at the bootsale,
The animals will wonder what’s wrong,
The hares will say to each other,
“I wonder where they have all gone?”

It’s the end of term at the bootsale,
Farmer Giles closes the gate,
Next week he’ll enjoy a lie-in,
No more chance that he will be late!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open at 7am
This morning for the last time until April 26^th 2014
When we’ll reopen for our Twenty-second season!!
Still with FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
‘We’ll see you there!”

Red in the Morning, Shepherd’s Warning!

Posted on October 18, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

This has been a year of stunning red sunsets and wet weekends! Why can’t we confine precipitation to weekday nights and have dry Saturdays and Sundays? (not to mention Bank Holidays!) Of course that would be too utopian and dissent would soon follow! A couple of mornings ago nature put on a wonderful light show. It was so spectacular I had to phone-a-shepherd to seek an explanation…

The other morning,
Out of the blue,
The sky turned red!

Suspecting an alien
invasion of Baldock,
or at the very least,
a celestial
disturbance
or simply
a manifestation
of an ancient
weathered rhyme,
I rang a shepherd,
that I happen to know.

He said
it was probably,
just a warning!

Of what,
he declined to say!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open at 7am
Tomorrow Morning
for the last time until April 26^th 2014
When we’ll reopen for our Twenty-second season!!
Still with FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
‘We’ll see you there!”

Sammy the Lazy Seagull!

Posted on October 17, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

A recent report suggested that seagulls were becoming a menace in seaside resorts. It would seem that they are no longer sea-faring folk but have opted for an easier life. Strange how nature sometimes mirrors our own behaviour…

Sammy Seagull’s father used to say:
“Follow the trawler every day,
That’s how you get the freshest fish,
To make an amazing dinner dish!”

Sammy however was a lazy sod,
Couldn’t be bothered to fly for cod,
He just waited at the edge of town,
Where tourist coaches turned around!

While pensioners went to the takeaway,
He’d sit by the benches then ‘Whey-hey!’
Chips with cod coated in batter,
No trawler around didn’t matter!

Autumn arrives where’s Sammy now?
Flown inland to follow the plough!
The farmer ploughs and the furrow turns,
Exposing thousands of wriggly worms!

In cold bleak winter, frozen pip,
Sammy lives by the landfill tip,
On the hour to feed the brood,
The dustcart brings yet more food!

Sammy’s the fattest gull around,
He’s almost too large to leave the ground!
Meanwhile his father, knackered and thin,
Waits at the harbour for his boat to come in!

The Nighttime Duvet Poacher!

Posted on October 16, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

By mistake last night I left the stair door open. Early this morning I was made fully aware of the folly of my ways in the cruellest way possible. The Duvet Poacher had arrived…

It’s four in the morning,
My brain has a warning,
My feet are like blocks of ice!
The duvet is gone,
I’m shivering on,
The top of the mattress – not nice!

I feel in the dark,
come across something sharp,
Teeth and a body all snug!
Wrapped up in the duvet,
Like a sausage roll trouvé,
I’m thrilled she’s as warm as a bug!

I try to get clothing,
A battle foreboding,
She growls as I pull on her nest!
Tomorrow night,
By the Aga alight,
On a dog bed I’m determined to rest!

…Let’s see how she likes that!

Trimming the Ears on the Topiary Donkey!

Posted on October 15, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There is a demanding piece of topiary in the farmhouse garden that is supposed to be a man on a donkey wearing a Russian-type fur hat! It is a nightmare to clip. One wrong thrust with the shears, and six generations of careful grooming (and slipshod un-artistic clipping by the seventh – me!), goes down the pan! I fear it is beginning to look like a large Siberian riding Mickey Mouse (however it is open to artistic interpretation)…
The donkey goes:
“Clip Clop,
Clip Clop,
Clip Clop!”
The shears go:
“Clip Clip,
Clip Clip,
Clip Clip – Damn!”

It’s topiary time in the garden,
Time for a pre-winter trim,
I’m being careful with the big ears,
Not hacking away on a whim!
Why has the man a fur hat?
Was it so cold years ago?
It must have been different to nowadays,
That’s Global Warming for you don’t you know!
I clip and stand back from my subject,
The ears are looking quite strange,
One wrong clip and they’ll just be compost,
Looks like a spot of the mange!
I feel many eyes a-watching,
They’ve come from the churchyard to see,
Grand-dad is leaning on his crutches,
Laughing to bust over me!
My mother, Lord bless her, is frowning,
She wants to grab hold of the shears,
Her ghostly hands just run through them,
Whoops! There goes a piece of the ears!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Baldock Boot Sale is open at 7am on Saturday
for the last time until April 26^th 2014
When we’ll reopen for our Twenty-second season!!
Still with FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
‘We’ll see you there!”