The Joy and Destruction of Hen and Stag Weekends!

Posted on May 11, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

According to the press, it’s high season for stag and hen week-ends. No longer is a simple evening out enough, it has turned into a mini-break designed to outdo the last one! Poor old Blackpool has come in for some stick recently having apparently taken over the mantle of Hen/Stag HQ, from Riga (somewhere in the Baltic, since you asked!). No longer is it ‘Kiss Me Quick’ on the seaside hats but ‘Quick Be Sick!’. Every generation has had its Achilles Hell, without which the tabloids would carry no news! So here’s to Hens, Stags (and Asprin!)…

My friend’s not speaking to me any more,
He’s very cross, his bride is sore,
I don’t really know what to say,
It wasn’t only me who spoilt their day.
It wasn’t me, I thought it was you,
Who put him on that train for Crewe!
I thought you’d checked that he had money,
At the time we thought it was so funny.
But I felt my stomach lurch,
When he didn’t turn up for his bride to church.
Apparently we are all to blame,
For putting him on the northern train.
She also says we’re ‘rebel rousers’,
For leaving him without his trousers!
I’m quite sure it’ll settle down,
But until then we’d better leave town!
Lucy Locket, sick in her pocket
Like a fish did flounder!
Tried to stand without support
of her drunken friends around her!
Little Boy Blue,
Asleep on the lawn,
He’s feeling poorly and all forlorn!
Where is the groom that is marrying today?
Still on the bench and far away!
Little Bo Peep,
Dressed up as a sheep,
On her back a large red L!
She will go home,
No more shall she roam
Tomorrow her head will be hell!
Jack and Jill
Both fell ill
On a stag and hen weekend!
Jill fell down
Ripped her bridal gown
And Jack’s still in Southend!
Please do not try this at home, serving suggestion only!
© Baldock Bard 2013
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The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
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Famous for his Shirt!

Posted on May 10, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever met anyone famous? Did you know what to say or did you get someone to take one of those ‘look-I’m-now-friends-with-a-famous-person’ Facebook shots? A famous footballer comes to the car boot sale quite regularly. Last weekend I missed a ‘world exclusive’ when I failed to ask him if he had any plans to change clubs. He always wears his name on the back of his shirt to remind himself and his team-mates who he is, looks genuine enough to me…

One morning a man from slumber arose,
Went to the boot sale to buy some new clothes!
He hadn’t a clue-ny
with a shirt that said Rooney,
Can’t be his name as everyone knows!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Exciting News from the Farm!

Posted on May 9, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We have exciting news! Two wild Canada Geese have successfully hatched five chicks. To most farmers this would be as ground-breaking a headline as ‘Jet takes off from Gatwick!’ would be to the national press. But to us it’s historic as it is many years since we’ve had a visiting goose successfully lay eggs, let alone hatch chicks. So I ask for your understanding in our mini-moment of celebration of a small triumph…

A family from far away,
Is staying at the farm,
Lo and behold they’re parents,
No cause for any alarm!
Neither of them claim benefits,
Nor asylum seek,
They aren’t going to end up in the dock,
In front of an aged beak!
We can’t interfere with nature,
We hope the chicks survive,
And all fly away together,
When autumn days arrive!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Who Left the Gate Open?

Posted on May 8, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Do we truly appreciate our surroundings? I think not and I am as bad a culprit as you can get. I went into the wood yesterday evening to photograph some bluebells. As I was leaving the sun caught my eye as it streamed through an open gate. Without knowing how my much-used Panasonic would deal with all those things it does, I snapped off a couple of shots. It was only when I returned to the office that I truly believed the beauty of the scene, however the farmer in me posed the question – who left the gate open…?

Was it Tommy from the cottage walking his dog?
Or John with his chainsaw, after sawing a log?
Was it some deer that had been, on grass just grazing?
Or some hesitant ramblers, who were lost from near Nazeing?
Was it daughter Siân, with my baby grand-daughter?
Or a cat after songbirds, intent on some slaughter?
Was it a rabbit dandelioning away from its burrow?
Or a raptor on a mission, chasing a sparrow?
Was it a fox with a mouth full, of my missing hen?
Or the hounds with the hunt, who have lost it again?
Was it Charlotte on Dolly, out for a ride?
Or a poacher with a pheasant, hung from his side?
I really don’t know who it could be,
Of one thing I’m certain,
it was most probably me!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Twitter: @baldockbard
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Wrong Number?

Posted on May 7, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Following the advent of the mobile phone, how many phone numbers do you remember off the top of your head? I would hazard a guess, not many. I had been ringing a friend for some time and developing a relationship with his answerphone with an unpredictable result…

I rang Bob on his mobile,
I never ring Bob at home,
I rang Bob over and over,
All I got was his answerphone!

This morning I had a text,
There’s no Bob only a Singh,
We’re a Carpet warehouse,
Want a carpet? Give us a ring!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Twitter: @baldockbard
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Bank Holiday Monday!

Posted on May 6, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s just what the doctor ordered, a rare bank holiday Monday with sunny skies. In the supermarkets, barbecue tongs and sausages are flying off the shelves along with Ice cream and suntan lotion. The bankers have chosen a great day to take a break…

It’s bank holiday Monday,
Only the banks are closed,
The bankers need a rest day,
Only why, nobody knows!

Everything else is open,
You can buy a hat or a coat,
You can even visit a circus,
To watch a performing goat!

To shepherds on the hillside,
It’s another working day,
They’re in the middle of lambing,
They’re working night and day.

It’s chaos on the roadways,
The queues stretch for miles,
Uncle Arthur just won’t stop moaning,
Something to do with his piles!

Spare a thought for those,
Manning the tills no complain,
While those who fuelled the recession,
Have a day off drinking champagne!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Daffodil, Goodbye and Thank You!

Posted on May 4, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s Bank Holiday time again! Picnic rugs are being dusted down, barbecues fetched from the far reaches of the garage and Ice-cream van jingles are being heard again after a long winter. I always am sorry to see the demise of the daffodil, it has lightened our lives during that no-mans land of winter/spring and deserves more recognition. Alas it is soon forgotten by events until it comes to our rescue again next year…

The daffodils are nearly done
A sign of spring receding
It’s time to mow the lawns each week,
the borders, they need weeding.

But what is this to cloud the mind?
First Bank Holiday Monday!
We’ll have to take the kids somewhere,
Not gardening but a funday!

Oh dear they say the traffic’s bad,
Miles and miles of queues,
The weather may be bad as well,
Not good for lambs and ewes!

I hope you enjoy your weekend,
May your outside cooking not fail,
And maybe I’ll be seeing you,
At our Saturday car boot sale!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Granddaughter at the Boot Sale!

Posted on May 3, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

If anyone had suggested in 1992 that I’d still be running a car boot sale twenty-one years later, I’d have suggested they sought medical advice! Had they said that I’d be seen carrying a granddaughter around, I would have suggested they were delusional and needed stronger tablets! However that’s exactly what has happened…

I took Granddaughter to the Boot Sale,
She gurgled quite a lot,
Some of the sellers were gob-smacked,
Thought I’d lost the plot!
She said “Buvvv” to everyone,
Hid her modesty behind large shades,
Only bought one thing, a picture,
Alligators in the Everglades!
She turned down a burger,
No sweets did she pick!
And kept my guilty secret,
Breakfast in French stick!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Twitter: @baldockbard
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A Farmer in the Stocks!

Posted on May 2, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Roll Up! Roll Up! It’s the greatest show on earth! Come and see the farmer in the stocks! Bring plenty of rotten imported fruit and your best throwing arm. I am a farmer, my job, as I see it, is to grow the maximum amount of crops on my acreage to feed as many people as possible. All of this whilst protecting the environment for the next generation. Furthermore I like bees, they help pollinate my crops and wild flowers, I love honey and have almost worn out my copy of ‘Bee Movie’. However Brussels has now declared that we are all bee killers and that a yield-enhancing chemical must be banned. In the past, chemicals were banned following proper scientific investigation. This time hysteria has overtaken common sense and I’m to blame. I work in possibly the most over-regulated industry in the most over-regulated country since the fall of East Germany. Unfortunately I don’t produce enough organic matter myself to fertilise my acres so going organic isn’t an option and anyway lower yields would lead to less food in the shops. So what’s it to be…
I’m spending Thursday in the stocks,
because I sprayed my farm,
the lack of bees to pollinate,
has led to great alarm.

“It’s the fault of farmers!”
TV commentators say,
it would be our fault yet again,
if shops, no food display.

I’d love to go organic,
it would save me a king’s ransom,
sprays cost more than whisky,
the rewards could be quite handsome!

But what is this I hear you cry,
“Your job is to feed us all,”
Well guess what, that’s your lot!
Your portion will be small!

I don’t kill bees,
I don’t kill wasps,
I don’t kill MPs either!
I just want peace,
To feed the world,
And possibly make a fiver!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
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The Scooterist

Posted on May 1, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Scooters may be a great invention for those with limited mobility. They may also be a lifesaver for the housebound and immobile. However they can pose problems in confined spaces. I have yet to witness ‘scooter rage’ but apparently it’s out there and awaiting discovery by the tabloids…

I was quietly shopping the other day,
Minding my own business, I have to say!
When I felt a nudge in the back,
I said “Sorry!” somewhat taken aback.
Expecting politeness, was met with a stare,
As a Scooterist growled “I want to get there!”
I was shocked at how ‘Excuse me,” was put,
And then the old man ran over my foot!”
I fumed to the check-out, I fumed in the car,
I realised then, it’s just how some are!
Don’t want to get old, but if I do,
I’ll be a danger on a scooter too!

The picture above is a serving suggestion only and in no way portrays anyone connected with any incident of ‘scooter rage’ so far as I know! In an advanced warning to the good people of Baldock, the Bard would like to announce that he will be ordering a scooter in or around 2030!

The Baldock Boot Sale is open every Saturday at 7am
www.u-boot.co.uk
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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