The Last Saturday Lie-in!

Posted on April 6, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you remember going back to school? The excitement of meeting up with old friends, the prospect of making new ones and a slight nervousness about what lay ahead. I have just had my last Saturday morning lie-in for six months. Next Saturday at this time, I shall be wearing my headmaster’s cloak to welcome back customers for our twenty-first ‘term’ at the car boot sale! Meanwhile today I luxuriate in my last work-free Saturday…

I’ve just enjoyed my last lie-in,
the last until November.
When boot sales start,
it’s up with the lark,
(so long as I remember!).

The alarm clock has been serviced,
at least it has stopped snowing!
Every year,
alas, I fear,
takes more to get me going!

The bed-magnet is quite strong,
its warmth is always pleasing.
Hitch up the loos,
rather than snooze,
and hope the field’s not freezing!

So next week if I’m honest,
I’ll pray that nothing fails!
Vacant stare,
(just body there),
“welcome to our sales!”
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Living in Interesting Times!

Posted on April 5, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There are those who point at the leader of North Korea and laugh. There are some who are imprisoned in vast gulags for doing just that, and then there are those who are extremely concerned about the prospect of military action. It is a complicated scenario with an unsteady clown taking centre stage. The late Billy Reeks, from our village, lost his youthful innocence on that peninsular in the early fifties during National Service, let’s pray the lunacy can be tamed. An old Chinese saying, that can either be taken as a blessing or a curse, says: May you live in interesting times…

Kim (son of Il) went down the hill,
to look across the water!
Kim looked round,
and blearily frowned,
And contemplated slaughter!
Kim went back to Pyongyang,
to wave at a marching troop,
He made a play
at the US of A
With rhetoric and theoretical nuke!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  
The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
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The Craze!

Posted on April 4, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was driving through London yesterday and saw a troupe of young ‘scooter-ists’ on a pavement. This set me wondering (as you do when stuck in traffic!) of all the crazes that I have seen in my lifetime, from skateboarding through to the latest must-have shoot-‘em-up console game. Most have become lost in the mists of time, remembered only by aged bores, who long to grip the idiocy of youth one last time! Then I remembered the Sleek Streek balsa wood plane and in the midst of a chaotic London traffic scene, went off on one…
Years ago when I were a lad,
There was a craze, (which today, some would call sad!).
The Sleek Streek came in an original flat pack,
Balsa wood model (often arrived with a crack).
Construction was tricky with three fragile pieces,
Some uncles made them for nephews and nieces!
Wind the propeller around gently by hand,
This would stretch the long elastic band!
Then into the air with a gentle throw,
The propeller would spin and off it would go!
However landing was a much greater art,
Mostly it would crash and fall apart!
I remember a friend who went to my school,
Tried to land his on the swimming pool!
He’d even spent time making balsa wood floats,
…unfortunately it didn’t!

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
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The Silent Segue!

Posted on April 3, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was queuing in the local bank. When a teller became free, the girl standing in front of me didn’t move. I coughed politely with no reaction. Thinking she may be hearing-impaired, I lightly tapped her on the shoulder. She turned, gave me a withering look and advanced towards the vacant window, but not before I’d glimpsed the tell-tale white wires trailing from beneath her hair…

When Ear-bud Erika walks the streets,
Her head is full of crazy beats!
Wherever she goes she never hears,
Because of the music in her ears.
In the bakers nothing was said,
Because she was listening to tracks from Bread!
In the estate agents quiet as a mouse,
She was tuned in to Techno-House!
In the showroom a Bavarian Motor Werke,
Tune was Autobahn by Kraftwerke!
A friend suggested a Pink welly,
She replied “not on your Nelly!”
Down a one way street without correction,
“It’s OK, as only One Direction!”
Someone offered her a glass of Vouvray,
“I’d rather have a glass of Michael Bublé”
Passed an undertakers nothing said,
She was entranced by the Grateful Dead.
On the golf course she was seen
Putting, OK, Cee Lo Green!
At her party her boyfriend took pics,
of her listening to NOW 26!
Through the day folks called her a @$&*
Didn’t hear, thanks to James Blunt!

Picture Notes: I always try to use my own pictures. On this occasion I feared for my health had I attempted to photograph the subject. Therefore I have used ‘The Girl with Pearl Earbud’ by Aaron Jasinski, a wonderful piece of art based on ‘Girl with the Pearl Earring by Johannes Vermeer.

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
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The Dancing Cock Pheasant!

Posted on April 2, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

All around the farm, cock pheasants are trying their very best to impress a mate. Dressed in their finest plumage, they puff out their feathers in a vain attempt to look larger and more macho than the competition. The poor hens hide themselves away and feign disinterest. All the while secretly laughing at the ridiculous attempts at courtship. It is an area where internet dating has yet to reach…

Strutting through the garden,
Doing his Cocky dance,
Wearing his brightest colours,
Going to advance!

On some poor innocent hen,
All drably dressed in brown,
Won’t be very impressed,
When Mr Cocky comes around!

Ignores his obdurate,
Playing hard to get,
Let him puff and strut,
Won’t become his pet!

He dances up to her,
Shakes off all the dust,
It’s then that she relents:
“Ok if you must!”

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Not Banbury Cross!

Posted on April 1, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I have always liked nursery rhymes. Their often deceivingly difficult rhyming patterns, along with pantomime-style double meanings, conspire to catch out the innocent reader.
My six-month-old granddaughter is a delight, in fact had I known what fun it was to have a grandchild, I’d have chosen to have one before children! I took a photo of her astride a toy pink pony. A very amateur ten minutes with Photoshop and an idea of a new version of a classic nursery rhyme took shape. So this is my take on ‘imitation being the sincerest form of flattery’…

Go to the races, Royal Ascot of course,
To see a young lady upon a pink horse!
With bling on her fingers,
The air through her toes,
She will be a winner, her Granddad knows!

Have a great Holiday Monday!

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Happy Easter!

Posted on March 31, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I once heard a non-Christian say: “You don’t have to be a Christian to celebrate Christmas and Easter!” I thought this was a great sentiment, after all, we all need an excuse to celebrate in the austere times. So here’s to you all, whatever your beliefs, Happy Easter…

Across the fields,
the church bells ring.
Whilst inside,
the choirs sing!

In the town,
supermarkets closed,
their aisles are empty,
why, no one knows!

Children laugh,
their mouths are brown!
As they pass,
the eggs around!

I hope you all,
have great fun.
Happy Easter,
to everyone!

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
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The Great Easter Getaway!

Posted on March 29, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The Great Easter Getaway has started. What a change from last year when the beaches around the coast were packed with early sun-seekers! This year, even more people are flying off to find those sunny beaches rather than suffer Arctic temperatures at home. Even though plans are a-changing, motoring organisations are still predicting busy roads. So grab your emergency blankets, thermos flasks, snow shovel and prepare for the Great Easter Getaway 2013…

Jayden, Kelsee and the kids,
are queuing up at check-in,
The kids run free,
With ADHD,
Whilst every other word is feckin’.

The Taylor family from Bolton,
Broken down on the M1,
A nice rescue man,
Called ‘Fluorescent Stan’,
Will get them going by one!

Michael and Abi are moving,
They’re moving to Letchworth you see!
We hope no one shakes,
Their box full of snakes,
Or the new neighbours won’t ask them for tea!

Kevin’s new allotment in Baldock,
Is still mostly covered in snow!
It may be too late,
For a good cultivate,
But he’s bound to give it a go!

Stacey is going out shopping,
To Bluewater along with Charmaine!
They will go dine,
Lunch of pasta and wine,
Training for their trip out to Spain!

Mike and Jane are off to a pub quiz
They’re part of the ‘In-quiz-itors’ team!
Questions of sport,
Not really their sort,
To win would be a great dream!

Prakash and Nisha are in their shop,
It’s a working day,
For their success,
Involves some stress,
And much more work than play!

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Warm Number One!

Posted on March 28, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I once worked on a Cambridgeshire estate. One of my fellow-workers, Derek, used to tell of the warms that you can get whilst logging a tree; One to cut down the tree, one to cord it up into lengths, one to load it onto the trailer, one from stacking it off the trailer back in the estate yard, one to saw up the lengths and one to split the sawn pieces, one when you filled the log shed and one when you took the logs to the fire and finally one from the fire itself! I make that nine warms from one tree! Today we are only on the first…

A giant Ash has fallen to earth,
It must have crashed down, by the size of its girth.
It no longer stands tall and proud,
One on its own, one in a crowd.
The chainsaw buzzes, heard for miles,
Sawing into cords then stacked in piles.
That’s one warm gained from this mighty tree,
Be quite a few more before it warms you and me!
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk

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It Takes All Sorts of Houses to Make a Street!

Posted on March 27, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Some people think, that just because they (or their other halves) have money, they are somehow better than others. I helped a builder-friend finish a refurbishment job in a fashionable area of London. The ‘Lady of the House’ may be blonde, slim and reasonably attractive, but she’s certainly no lady…

Been working up in London,
Helping a mate called Frank.
I may only be the builder’s mate,
But it’s money in the bank!

I’m what they call ‘The Gofer’
I go-fer this, go-fer that.
Sometimes my job even includes,
Fetching food for the owner’s cat!

Pete the plasterer slaps it on,
His hair, his clothes, his face!
Some gets onto the ceiling,
A miracle in this place!

I’ve got used to carrying cement,
I also carry grout,
If I make a mess on the carpet,
The owner will scream and shout!

She caught me with a camera,
Grabbed it and gave me gyp,
Threw it right through the window,
It landed in the skip!

The Plumber’s name is Stan,
That might just not be true,
He swears at the boss in Polish:
Or he could be swearing at you!

Mrs Hoity-Toity who lives here,
Calls us all “her men!”
With relief Pete says when he’s done,
He won’t see her again!

Frank reckons she’s playing hard to get!
“A right tasty bird!”
I suggested he fed her some millet,
He told me not to be absurd!

I managed to sneak a picture,
On my hidden mobile phone,
Don’t care if the woman sees it,
By now I’m safely at home!

Pete just shrugged in a Pete-like way,
And made my day complete:
Not known for speeches he just said:
“Takes all sorts of houses, to make a street!”
Pete and Stan go for lunch!

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk
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Twitter: @baldockbard
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