Beware of Crossing Ducks!

Posted on March 26, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

A whole car-load of us were leaving a party on Sunday afternoon when we spotted an unusual sign. We kept our heads down and said nothing until we were well away from the venue. I have heard that ducks can turn nasty when crossed, but had no idea we had to be warned against this happening…

The ducks have turned nasty,
Someone’s wound them up,
Their leader has told the press,
They’re holding a hostage pup!

It wasn’t all my fault,
I was just mistaken,
‘Beware of Crossing Ducks!’
Nearly cost my bacon!

We were driving down near Ware,
When out from off a pond,
A duck armed with a shotgun,
Obviously badly wronged!

“Are you the dirty rat?” he cried,
“Lowlife son of a gun!”
As he chewed on a piece of pondweed,
“Have you seen my Betty-hun?”

“Wasn’t me it was her!”
I pointed to my wife!
“She ordered duck for dinner,”
(I pleaded for my life!)

“Now look here, you @*&%@+$!”
I heard my beloved cry,
“You blaming me for what I ate?
I’d be careful if you were I!”

The duck stepped back three paces,
“I’ll be letting you all be,”
Turning to me he warned:
“You’re in trouble enough without me!”

The Baldock Boot Sale returns on 7am Saturday 13-4-13
www.u-boot.co.uk

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Third World Facilities!

Posted on March 25, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

According to a United Nations report, six billion of the world’s seven billion people have a mobile phone, whereas only 4.5 billion have access to a toilet. It is many years since the public toilets in Baldock closed and the phone signal in the town can be lamentable. Baldock is just 25 miles North of London, with third world facilities and phone signal….

I was shopping in the High Street,
I knew something was amiss,
I thought I’d finished shopping,
But had mislaid my list!
I decided to ring Mrs Bard,
To save another trip,
Alas no signal on my phone,
Not a single blip!
Then I spied the phone box,
Standing all alone,
I’d forgotten how to use one,
I went in and rang my home!
While waiting for an answer,
I thought what could this be?
I felt increasing pressure,
Was desperate for a pee!
The toilets are all closed,
So to avoid any yelps,
I drove to the superstore,
Where every little helps!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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The Baldock Bootsale returns from hibernation on the 13th April 2013!
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The March Blanket!

Posted on March 23, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Woke this Saturday morning to a blanket of snow. News channels are enjoying a feeding-frenzy of low-cost pictures of sliding cars with spinning wheels and disgruntled drivers. Livestock farmers feed their livestock with ever-dwindling supplies and on some farms, seed sits in the bag rather than in the ground. This time last year we had a hosepipe ban and seaside-style temperatures. No two years are ever the same, particularly on an Island such as ours – just ask a farmer! But what do we know compared to some climate-change preacher who lives in Islington and works in an office! Spring is in the air…

March the twentieth 2013,
a week before Easter.
Spring has sprung,
and winter
is put away
for another year,
in a box marked:
DO NOT OPEN UNTIL
December 21^st 2013.
Spring…
a time for daffodils
and crocuses
and
newly-born
lambs gambolling
on fresh grass,
the warm sun
on their backs
and…

“heavy snow
across parts
of Eastern England.”
It’s Saturday
March the twenty-third 2013,
and a white blanket
lays across
the fields.
The geese look
upon this winter scene
with surprise,
nobody warned them!
In the yard,
a confused pick-up,
wears a white hood.

The snow-plough,
another winter passed,
has been
greased
maintained
and forgotten!

Some will say
“That’s Climate Change
for you!”

Strange that
my father’s
and
grandfather’s
diary’s show
that no two years
have ever been
the same….

Plus ca change
c’est la meme…

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Analogue Surprises!

Posted on March 22, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you like surprises? It was time for an office clear-up. I had become fed up with the amount of paper cluttering up my desk. Why do companies do it? Do they honestly think that, when money is tight, anybody is going to show loyalty to their products just because they sent a badly-worded, poorly printed, piece of A4 that is personally addressed? All it does is clutter my desk and give me a reason not to do business with them! While clearing out my office yesterday I came across two historic items from a bygone, analogue age…

I was having a good old clear out
Before an office avalanche!
There was enough waste paper,
To make a recycling branch!

I cleared away the danger zone,
Magazines by the score,
And came across part of the past,
I hadn’t seen before!

An ancient film (undeveloped),
Secrets trapped within.
And an analogue trip-planner of the UK,
Should I consign both to the bin?

The roads have changed immeasurably,
Some aren’t even shown!
And as for the pictures locked in the film,
I can’t possibly leave them unknown!

So watch this space in the future!
For when the pictures return,
If they’re any cringe making or embarrassing,
What secrets within, you might learn!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Gin the Cat!

Posted on March 21, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Are you a cat or dog person? Whereas dogs show unconditional love, cats are more discrete with their emotions. They also have been known to show great annoyance at the names by which their human calls them. It is also not uncommon for them to eschew meals in order to make a point, this sometimes worries humans of nervous disposition. This can lead to the tempting to the bowl with such delacies as salmon, prawns and fresh liver, only for pussy to bypass them in favour of the original canned food or dried nuts. Cats know their place, their humans sometimes do not…

We have a cat, her name is Gin,
Because she’s such a tonic!
She’s always been a coward,
Sudden noise, goes supersonic!

Some days she’s fond of fish,
Other days it must be chicken,
Put some butter on her paws,
She becomes a-kitten-lick’n!

She likes to come in through the window,
When we’re fast asleep.
Bringing dead mice to show us,
Then on the bed to eat!

The other day she was poorly,
We thought she was quite ill,
My hand was scratched to pieces,
Getting her to take a pill!

But now she is much better,
Back to how she was before,
We remain her servants,
That’s what we humans are for!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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How to Make a Fat Old Man Very Happy! (How to make a happy old man very fat!)

Posted on March 20, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Food, Glorious Food! So sung a thin scrawny child in a West-End musical some years ago. Someone once said: “never trust a thin chef!” My new motto is (to be said with a mouth crammed with chocolate): “To hell with the diet, these are too good for words!” I am a very happy fat old man as one of Granddaughter Bard’s Godmothers has given me a present…

As a regular reader you will know,
How food obsessed I am,
Any type of food will do,
Beef or pork or lamb.

However that’s just half of it,
Or maybe just a third,
I have a sweet obsession,
That most find quite absurd.

When I was twelve in hospital,
I was given coffee creams,
I ate them all without a pause,
(Despite the nurses’ screams!).

Nat came to see Granddaughter Bard,
A Godmother she’s to be,
She had made some coffee creams
That’s right, all just for me!

Now I was always taught to share
As a theory that is fine
But when it comes to coffee creams,
I’m sorry, they’re all mine!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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A Family Favourite!

Posted on March 19, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever met anyone famous? Did they look the same as on TV or film? I don’t circulate in circles where this is at all likely (to be perfectly honest, I don’t really feel as if I’ve missed out!). However I did once see a famous person at a wedding in London. Mrs Bard’s aged Aunty Gwenda strode up to him and asked who he was. The target of her questioning was none other than Frank Thornton, at that time known to all, as Captain Peacock from the sitcom “Are You Being Served’ (it was before he joined the cast of Last of the Summer Wine). He was dressed appropriately in a morning suit (after all it was a wedding!), with his trademark red rose buttonhole. In real life he looked true to his character, however he was a kind and generous man who seemed almost embarrassed by the recognition. It was announced yesterday that he had died, he will always be our ‘Family Favourite’…

We were at a family wedding,
At a smart venue in town,
When Mrs Bard’s Aunty Gwenda,
Approached a guest with a frown:

“Young Man!
Who are you?
We all recognise you,
So you must be on our side?”

The man was tall and distinguished,
A rose in his lapel,
We suddenly realised who he was:
Captain Peacock, we could tell!

The beauty of this story is,
Kindness for all to see,
It might have been different (if she’d asked):
“Captain Peacock, Are you free?”
Thanks to the Bride and Groom, Fee and Chris Cox, for the opportunity to be able to say: “I once saw somebody famous!”
Frank Thornton 1921-2013
A kind and generous man.

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Dai’s Big Cardiff Match!

Posted on March 18, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard had a great weekend. She is Welsh. For the benefit of my foreign readers, let me explain: To Wales (Cymru), England (Lloegr) is ‘the old Enemy’ and the game of rugby (rygbi) is a religion. Wales has a population less than six percent of its larger neighbour, and a senior rugby playing base roughly one-eighth the size. On Saturday in the Six Nations Rugby Tournament (contested by Wales, England, Ireland, Scotland, France and Italy), Wales annihilated England 30 points to 3, in what was promised to be (by the English-biased BBC commentators), ‘a close encounter’. After the match those same commentators, who had heralded an English victory, were quick to blame the effects of the stadium’s atmosphere, saying that it upset the young England players. Perhaps those young warriors would have been better off visiting one of Wales’ golden beaches, armed with bucket and spade, instead of braving the colosseum. Match day in Cardiff is special. If you ever, ever, are offered the opportunity to watch a match at the Millennium Stadium, sell your Grandmother, give away your kids and head on down to Cardiff…

Dai woke up in Cardiff,
Sat up on the bed,
“I can’t believe we won the match,”
As he clutched his aching head!
He’d set off Saturday morning,
Kissed his wife and kids goodbye,
He’d promised to be home that night,
This time he’d really try!

A pint of Brains slipped down a treat,
His second even better!
His third was spilt down his chest,
There was more beer than sweater!
Pre-match in the Prince of Wales,
With a chap he met called Bevan,
Another couple to steady the nerves,
Took his own score up to seven!

Walking to the stadium,
A sea of red and white,
Not sure if Wales could win the match,
But they’d put up a fight!
Seated in Row F seat 7,
Nestling another pint,
With Tomos from Abergele,
And Ray from Llantrisant.

He stood unsteady for the Anthem,
His voice was strong and sure.
Tears were streaming down his face.
‘Feed me evermore!’
Then silent prayers,
Were whispered all around,
“Please O Lord help beat them,
On this sacred ground!”

A half-time score of 9-3,
Better than dreamed how,
Halfpenny’s boot was magic,
Please Lord, stop it now!
But second half was fantastic,
Two tries crushed their fears,
Had England run away to hide?
Best win for many years!

Dai was over-euphoric,
Coming back from the park,
He thought he’d kissed an Englishman,
But it was awful dark!
A few more pints to celebrate,
Singing with the boys,
On and on into the night,
His voice became just noise!

Sunday morning fine and bright,
And his head was awful sore.
He couldn’t believe where he was:
A bedding superstore!
He told the surprised manager:
“I’m very sorry, see,
I didn’t mean to spend the night,
But we beat them 30-3!”

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Saturday Broadsheet!

Posted on March 17, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago, when I was at school, I did a paper-round. Early each morning, I’d collect the papers from the newsagents in a large satchel, and cycle off around the Wiltshire town to make sure that customers had their newspaper at the breakfast table. We had to carefully put each newspaper (folded so that it didn’t rip), through letterboxes of differing sizes. Seeing the American version at the cinema many years later, where the paperboy seemed to randomly fling the papers onto the front lawn, I can remember being insanely jealous. Yesterday I bought a Saturday broadsheet. It was the first time for ages that I’d bothered buying a paper, preferring to choose what I read online. I was only too pleased that I was only carrying just one, any number to deliver and my old bike would have collapsed under the weight…

There’s 1,307gms in the Saturday paper,
That’s an awful lot of words,
As a paperboy, there’d be no joy,
In fact it’s quite absurd!

There are sections covering everything:
Supplements all abound,
So many sections, to suit all directions,
Literary abundance found!

How much longer can this weight continue?
The feeding of trees to the Press,
Recycled too, then flushed down the loo,
A worthy end I confess!

The old institutions backs to the wall,
Blinded, bleeding, unsure,
What they can’t see, that news is now free,
Fleet Street has been shown the door!

But what is this that is here now?
Sunday’s papers I see!
Even more weight, to help dislocate,
A paperboy’s joie de vie!
Dedicated to writers everywhere facing a new age with trepidation.
But especially to my two favourite journalists: Tony Lennox and his adorable and much-missed wife Marsya. May I one day come close to writing with their consummate skill. BB.

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Friday Evening Decay!

Posted on March 16, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

It was my fault – when in Baldock yesterday lunchtime, I wished the girl behind the counter at the bank a ‘Happy Weekend’. In the same way as if you find a coin on the pavement, someone has been a loser – to be joyful about the end of the week is asking for trouble. Just after the clock struck: “STOP TAKING CALLS – NOW’ at Health Centre’s up and down the country, I discovered that I had lost a filling in a tooth (before my American readers ask – what is a filling? It is something that we British, having crap teeth, get from the dentist for being bad). I was in trouble. After doing the online calculation at isthisreallyanemergency.com, I was destined to ring on Monday morning for an appointment sometime in the next ten days. I had two choices: either I went on a no liquids, no solids diet until whatever day I could get an appointment or Home Dentistry for Beginners, here I come…

Was on a Friday evening,
The dental surgery closed,
I suddenly felt a damn great hole,
Somewhere behind my nose!
My tongue went in and explored the hole,
Was jagged as a rocky sea,
Typically it was after hours,
Sometimes luck can’t be!

So I reached for the repair kit,
Next to the tyre spare,
Plenty of Plumbers Mate,
But lack of tooth repair!
So down to the pharmacy,
They had stocks a-plenty,
They all said it wouldn’t last,
A temporary al dente!

So I played self-dentist,
Didn’t have a clean white coat,
My hands were shaking like a leaf
Applying the undercoat!
I managed to attack the hole,
I filled it with white paste,
It also repaired my nose, my lips,
Now it’s all that I can taste!
…and I’m off to face the dentist and explain what this white car-body-filler-type-stuff is doing spread liberally across my mouth and face!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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