Spoilt for Choice!

Posted on November 9, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Following the demise through flame of my faithful old car I have been looking for a replacement. Thinking about the topic of changing vehicles I wrote the following. For most of us, buying a car is the second largest purchase we’ll make in our lifetime. For many years I have used a local garage, Quenbys in Baldock, to aid decisions. I hope any decisions you make are not like the following (all characters and premises in the following verse are fictitious!)…

My faithful car is past its best
It’s just failed the annual test
And so it’s time to say goodbye
The family will instruct me what I should buy!

My wife says she can imagine us
In something that looks like a bus
She tells me they are trendy now
Great in Islington but not in Slough!

My son tells me to get a Jag
Sleek and sporty, no turbo lag
Room for a girlfriend and another
There’d be no room for his sister or mother!

“Anything’s fine as long as it’s pink”
Is what my daughter seems to think!
With folding roof and deep plush leather
Has she forgotten winter weather?

We went to see our local dealer
He knew our needs like some faith healer
Encouraged my ‘clan’ in their separate ways
Totally ignored the one who pays!

My wife was sitting in an MPV
My son “This sports car’s fine for me”
My daughter mooned over a pink hatchback
Whilst I just stood there taken aback!

When finally they left their dreams on wheels
All shouting at once about wonderful deals
I suddenly realised I didn’t care
I’ll just take our old car in for repair!
© Baldock Bard 2012

http://www.quenbys.com
You can trust Donald to help you find your next car.

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Falling Leaves!

Posted on November 8, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

The other night on the local news an expert was talking about the spread of ‘Ash Tree Die-back Fungus’. Amongst other useful pointers he gave was an appeal to viewers to “be on the look out for trees with leaves turning brown and falling.” Not being in the least bit cynical as to the validity of advice from an ‘expert’, but I was under the impression that all trees (apart from evergreens) had leaves that turned brown and fell off in the autumn…

Toddlers in bright-coloured wellington boots,
Kick at dead leaves – don’t give two hoots!
It used to be Park-keepers who cleared the path narrow,
With a swish of a rake and wooden wheelbarrow!
Now they have gone replaced by contractors,
With their noisy leaf-blowers and path-blocking tractors!
Later the leaves on the rails will all congregate,
To give an excuse why the train runs again-so-late!
It’s not the fault of experts or indeed crime,
It’s just what happens every year at Autumn time!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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I as da Surprise!

Posted on November 7, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

As someone who hates shopping in large supermarkets, I have an admission to make: I enjoyed shopping in ASDA in Stevenage yesterday! All the staff I met were friendly and helpful, something I haven’t found in the rival stores in their sector, where staff can be rude and disinterested. So often we are quick to complain yet reluctant to take time to praise. When we find something that is good or against the grain, we should make the effort. I was sufficiently impressed and surprised that I queued at Customer Service and got to write in ‘The Big Book of Comments’ and asked for the individual to be give a ‘Gold Star’…

Belinda at the deli was helpful and friendly
Despite being run off her feet
A glint in her eye while weighing pork pie
And her packing was ever so neat!

She treated us as if we were customers
Her smile didn’t waver or stall
When we went away she wished us ‘good day’
ASDA customer service for all!

So if you’re fed up with *****s
And *********s aren’t floating your boat
ASDA is good so support it you should
Their Stevenage store has got my vote!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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Good Grief Mrs Jones!

Posted on November 6, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Sometimes it is nigh-on impossible to find a picture to go with a verse. This morning is one of those times. When two ex-neighbours meet there are sometimes undertones that hint at old wounds being opened. This is one of those pieces of writing that just was composed ‘on the hoof’, in other words it evolved as it was written, I hope you like it …

Good grief Mrs Jones
Is that really your son?
He seems to have grown
Since he was one!

Yes! Mrs Smith
It really is he!
And just to think
He once sat on your knee!

Good grief Mrs Jones
Hasn’t he grown!
He’s just like his dad
Is he a clone?

Yes! Mrs Smith
They’re almost the same
Except that his dad
Went as he came!

Good grief Mrs Jones
I heard he had gone
Didn’t you notice
Something was wrong?

Yes! Mrs Smith
When I woke in the morning
I noticed an absence
Of farting and snoring!

Good grief Mrs Jones
How did you cope?
Didn’t you mind
Not having a bloke?

No! Mrs Smith
I just did without!
The main difference was
I had no need to shout!

Good grief Mrs Jones
Is that really the time?
I’ve just got to dash
Home to feed mine!

Goodbye Mrs Smith
You nosey old cow!
Come son we’ll go
You can drive me home now!

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Consequences!

Posted on November 5, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I woke up in a cold sweat, memories of the night before playing as if constant replay. Questions had no answers: What had I said? What had I done? What would be the consequences of my actions? I was confused…

I woke up this morning
My mouth was desert-dry
My vision was impaired
I did not realise why
I then remembered
The events of the night before
It all became clearer
Why my head was sore

The wine had been good
The whiskey was a malt
And as for the port
A cranial assault
I was helped up the stairs
Or at least I must have been
Apparently my language
Was really quite obscene

At the breakfast table
Silent accusations
Will surely be leading to
Unpleasant recriminations
But all of a sudden
The alarm clock rents the air
I remembered I don’t drink
It was just a bad nightmare!

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A Celebratory Obsession!

Posted on November 3, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you got a food obsession? I have several – Cheeselets, Wine Gums and Coffee Creams to name but three. However a most disturbing trait from my teens was re-ignited this year by a humble retro Marks and Spencer ‘Celebration Sandwich’. I hope to be cured shortly…

At the beginning of this summer
We had the jubilee
M&S celebration sandwiches
Filled my life with glee!

Egg, Tomato and Salad Cream
A retro taste delight
Was the only sandwich capable
Of giving me delight!

But unfortunately there’s a rub
An obsession so unreal
I now seem to have to have salad cream
With almost every meal!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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An Oily Issue!

Posted on November 2, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

There’s nothing worse than having an inkling that a machine is about to break down. It normally happens when time is minimum and stress is maximum. The other day I was loading a lorry with wheat and I just knew there was trouble ahead. The JCB dealer’s mechanic listened to my amateurish explanation and fixed the problem…

I was loading a lorry up with wheat
The load was not quite complete
When suddenly an awful pong
Something dire seemed to be wrong
It wasn’t me I have to tell
Smelt of oil – JCB not well
I rang the dealer before too late
Sent engineer to investigate
He looked from on top
He looked from below
“It’s a problem with the switch
That makes the circuit go!”
We’ve got one in stock but not on the van,
Be mended just as quick as I can!”
Now the machine is mended
I cannot complain
We were going to use it
But it’s pouring down with rain!
With grateful thanks to AT Oliver (http://www.atoliver.co.uk) for their first-class service delivered by exceptional staff.

© Baldock Bard 2012
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The Wheat Cheque!

Posted on November 1, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

The wheat cheque has arrived! For an arable (or crop-growing) farmer, the arrival of the wheat cheque is a most important time of the farming year. Without it no seed is put in the ground, no nutrients are fed to the crop and no harvest can take place. When I first started out on my own, twenty years ago, wheat was worth £150 per ton. This year, for the first time since 1992, it has climbed back above that level. During that time everything needed to grow the crop has increased in price: fuel, fertilizer, spare parts and machinery etc. At its lowest, the value of a ton of wheat fell to £56. Perceived value of food also fell, it was judged to be more important to own the latest i-Anything than have food on the table. With world shortages of food arriving at our doorstep, rather than being the exclusive preserve of poorer parts, the job done by a farmer and the food he produces may just be valued once more…

The wheat cheque has landed on the mat
I sigh with relief “thank heavens for that!”
It’s even more than I first thought
Bills can be paid – fertilizer bought
But I spare a moment for those whose crop
Has either failed or had a quality drop
There will be less food to go around this year
Let’s hope it’s less disastrous than it would appear
With grateful thanks to everyone at Fengrain Co-operative ( http://www.fengrain.co.uk) for ensuring that my wheat cheque is guaranteed to arrive on time every time!

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The Crumbly Remnant!

Posted on October 31, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I happened to come across the remaining half-slice of my (last-Friday’s) birthday cake. I couldn’t possibly see it go to waste. After all it’ll be 361 days at least until the experience can be repeated…

The birthday cake is finished
The candles have all burnt down
The last half-slice is orphaned
Not enough left to go round

I’d better end its misery
Pop it in my mouth
Savor the very last morsel
My bulk is moving south!

But my little Granddaughter
Her first words said with ease
Pointed towards her gaping mouth
And said to me “CAKE PLEASE!”
© Baldock Bard 2012
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Stormin’ Sandy USA!

Posted on October 30, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Natural disasters from around the world fill our screens with such regularity that most remain invisible. When a storm hits the most communication-friendly country in the world, it impacts with such force that we cannot look away. Watching reporters on CNN and Fox struggling to remain upright in gale force winds 3,500 miles away becomes obsessive. I was surprised when I went out with the dogs out last night that the stars were bright and the path was dry! Sandy is angry…

Whatever’s the matter with Sandy?
Her front is a thousand miles wide
She’s whipped up the sea in a fury
You’d do better to stay safe inside!
Whatever’s the matter with Sandy?
She’s storming all over North East
She came out of the sea in a temper
And has turned right into a beast!

Whatever’s the matter with Sandy?
Her temper is almost complete
There’s a tree right through the window
Blown a reporter and crew down the street!
Whatever’s the matter with Sandy?
She’s rocked the political boat
The election is there for the losing
She may determine which way people vote!
Whatever’s the matter with Sandy?
She controls the flights in and out
The aircraft are grounded and silent
She’ll decide when they can fly out!

Whatever’s the matter with Sandy?
Power outages all over New York
There’s water flowing down in the subways
Just as well there’s no one to walk!

Whatever’s the matter with Sandy?
She’s losing her strength as we speak
The damage she’s done is enormous
To clean up will take more than a week.
With our thoughts and prayers for those affected by Hurricane Sandy

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