Early Morning Alarm!

Posted on April 15, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Did anyone else notice how bright it was, early this morning? No? I woke early (as all good farmers do, to milk the chickens or similar), and convinced myself that I’d overslept! Being so keen to salute the new day I crept back into bed for another two hours…

I woke up in the middle of the night,
And almost got up it was so bright.
I went to the window drew back the curtain,
Was time to rise of that I was certain!
As I crept back across the floor,
I realized it was just half-past four!
I narrowly avoided getting up too soon,
I blame my demeanor on a very full moon!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Sailing Against the Tide!

Posted on April 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I watched a man sailing a boat on the river. Nothing out of the ordinary you might think! However to use sails in the ‘land of the plastic cruiser’ rather appealed to me. This was the ultimate in sailing against the tide as he tacked his way down river…

Why be conventional when there is something to try,
why follow the herd when someone asks why!
So hoist your red sail and turn into the tide,
there are so many challenges, rough seas to scream and ride!
Nothing is easy unless you give it a go,
you could just sit and watch it slip to and fro!
Or you can go and grab life by the horns,
beware the prettiest roses always have the sharpest thorns!

The ‘Invisible’ Mend!

Posted on April 12, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Son in law John and I went bonking yesterday. We put the post-bonker onto the JCB Loadall and replaced fencing posts down at the car boot sale field. When we returned to the farm I decided to put the bonker away in the shed. Carelessness led to a toppling over: cue some speedy mending…

The Baldock Bard has been a fool,
put the post-bonker through the shed wall.
Son-in-law John looked up to the sky
and asked the Almighty, “Why, oh why?”
A mend was needed before anyone saw,
The wall was not like it was before!
So with speed we cut a new profile sheet,
And bolted it on – repair complete!
Son-in-law John driven round the bend,
when I said it was an invisible mend!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Intense Calibrations!

Posted on April 11, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

In the movie ‘Safety Not Guaranteed’ (trailer http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73jSnAs7mq8), the actor Mark Duplass (playing a time traveller) tells Aubrey Plaza “My calibrations are flippin’ pin-point, OK?” We had to check our calibrations yesterday, not in our DeLorean, but in our more down to earth fertilizer spreader. Some time later all calibrations had been checked and it was time to feed the crops…

It’s feeding time on the farm again!
The crops are growing without refrain!
In order to make the yields even better,
We get out the great big spreader!
Fertilizer is expensive stuff,
So we order just enough!
In order to avoid calculative destructions,
Firstly we read all the instructions!
We fill the spreader with a ton,
Calibration starts the fun!
Then to the field to amaze,
We’ve put out several trays!
These catch the prills from the speader you see,
Have we spread with accuracy?
With great relief the spread is correct,
Paperwork will show the spread’s been checked!
All is well and there’s no hitch,
We’ve spread in the field and not in the ditch.
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Back to my Future!

Posted on April 10, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was talking with an old friend yesterday. We came to the conclusion that despite making many mistakes during the course of our lifetimes, there wasn’t much we’d change if we could hop into a DeLorean with Marty McFly. However upon consideration, I might purchase a mouth lock for future use…

I often say:
The wrong things,
at the wrong time,
to the wrong people.

I seldom say:
The right things,
at the right time,
to the right people.

I so often put foot in mouth,
that I’m ever cautious,
about where I tread,
as you never know,
what might be stuck,
to your soul!

Apparently this is known simply as:
LIFE!

Splitting Logs (not hairs)!

Posted on April 9, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I have said before that splitting logs for kindling with an axe is a most rewarding occupation (particularly when there is a need to hit something inanimate rather than animate). However when there are large logs to be split it is much easier to use a mechanical splitter…

Splitting firewood is no slog,
just like falling off a log!
You put the wood up to the worm,
Hold the round nice and firm,
All of a sudden a crack does sound,
and the log’s no longer round!
A few more times it’s become all logs,
Easier than in catalogues!
And all that’s left is to stack the shed,
Almost easier done than said!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

Winning the Pools! (installing a ‘new best friend’ magnet in the garden!)

Posted on April 8, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Some friends are having a swimming pool dug in their garden. This is ideal as it gives even distant friends the chance to enjoy a swim without paying to visit the local ‘Municipal’. I have tried to warn Mr and Mrs X, without success and therefore wish them luck…

It’s great to have a pool in the garden
Especially before it’s erected!
The sun always shines in the brochures
But not in the place you selected!

You get in a JCB digger
Excavated earth forms a very large hill
At last you’re ready for water
It takes twenty-eight days just to fill!

In a shed sits the pump and a boiler
And power station complexity pipe
Filtration, backwash and through flow
It gurgles and belches all night!

The water, a dominant mistress
To be nurtured and kept in trim
It takes all of your hours in attendance
You haven’t the time just to swim!

You’ve added chlorine and acid a plenty
Algicide and vacuumed it clean
Along comes the thunder and lightning
The pool turns a bright shade of green!

The neighbours become very friendly
They come round to see you each day
Your children seem very popular
New ‘friends’ (clutching towels) come to ‘play’!

The electricity meter’s in meltdown
Your bank account’s begun to slip
You’re back’s not recovered from digging
All forgotten when you take your first dip!

Paper, Paper, Everywhere!

Posted on April 7, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Back in the Eighties when I bought my first computer I was advised to buy a printer ‘before they become obsolete!’ The salesman suggested that ‘in the near future’ offices would be paper-free environments. How I wish I could meet him now. There seems to be more paper than ever and in most cases companies are reluctant to E-mail bills. This leads to an Everest in my office, complete with avalanche warnings…

Paperless office? Unfortunately not here!
Print has used a few trees I fear,
All your bills you must store,
Seven years boxed up (sometimes more!)
Then at last you can get shot,
Although with fire you may not!
So let’s hear it for the office shredder,
It’s a great noisy cutting hamster-bedder!
Lists of rules from the Environment A-gen-cy,
Regularly get soaked by hamster pee!
Ejected, unwanted and disgraced,
It ought to be simply: cut and paste!

Ducks Shout from the Roof-Tops!

Posted on April 5, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday evening two ducks were sat on the roof opposite the house. Nothing seemed to bother them as they sat looking down on the world. Kevin didn’t seem to bothered that he had no i-Phone and Kaylee wasn’t looking to go clubbing…

Mr and Mrs Duck are sitting on the roof
Watching the world go by
Mr Duck is acting aloof,
Can’t be bothered to fly!

“Look at those people down there!”
Darren says to Ducky-wucky his wife,
“They spend their time rushing about,
I’m not sure I fancy their life!”

“We have to find our food every day,
We don’t go to Tesco or Aldi,
We’ve no credit card or savings,
Everything we eat is all free!”

“No worry about our pensions,
Old age spent in the sun,
Our only real worry is simple:
A farmer carrying a gun!”

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale  returns for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Highway Repair Syndrome!

Posted on April 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I was due at an important meeting in a city some miles away. I thought I’d left plenty of time, which I had, until I arrived at a point where I could see my destination. It was then that my progress ground to a halt. The ‘Muck-Up Fairy’ had hitched a lift and arranged a hold-up…

I’m in a Q.U.E.U.E.
No workers can I see!
Damn my rights,
Just traffic lights,
I’m dying for a pee!

The cars now start to move,
Shows a slight improve,
I get to the head,
The lights turn red,
Sod’s Law I can now prove!

I run fast down the stairs,
As if I’m chased by bears,
“Where’s the race?
Red in the face!”
Cancelled meeting unawares!