Post-Twelfth Night? (not in Badock!)

Posted on January 12, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The residents of Baldock know how to live dangerously. While the rest of the country have packed away their Christmas decorations for fear of the consequences, Baldock has said, “Pah! As if we care!” Last night the High Street was lit by a skiing Santa, neon candles and blue garish tinsel. They certainly know how to tempt fate…

A mutant prawn crawls up the High Street,
It’s already eaten a van,
It’s breath is distinctly fishy,
As it chews on an overweight man!

It previously destroyed sixteen houses,
A shop and Chinese take-away,
It won’t listen to trained negotiators,
It’s angry and someone will pay!

It treads on a car on the left,
Then it spits at one on the right,
“It’s all your fault Baldockonians!
Decorations should go away on Twelfth Night”
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

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The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Road Fell (The unmasking of a hypocrite!)

Posted on January 11, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

In days gone by I may have been more than sarcastic about road works, the closing off of lanes and over-use of fluorescent clothing. Yesterday we were working on the side of a road clearing small tree saplings. What I wouldn’t have done for a lane closure! I am now a fully-fledged member of the Hypocrites Society…

The cars are passing incredibly fast,
The next one passing could be my last,
Fluorescent clothing won’t save my skin,
But it makes me feel protected from the danger I’m in!

Did you see that lorry when I swept with a brush?
It must have been delivering in a hell of a rush,
Formula one engines at the rate he was going,
Or he’s worried that shortly it may start snowing!

So road menders everywhere, you know who you are,
I’ll have more respect, next time in my car,
I’ll no longer complain about delays causing strife,
I now know protection is important for life!

Notes from a Small Room!

Posted on January 10, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Visiting the smallest room in the house recently I was taken aback by the vast array of cleaners we use these days. I suddenly realized that my surprise was an indication of how often I clean the throne. I also never leave the seat up…

They gather with menace,
On top of the loo,
Ready to clean traces,
Of stale Vindaloo!

There’s old Mr Bleach,
Who smells so yuk!
A perfumed cleaner,
Doesn’t resemble a duck!

There’s a squirty spray,
Gets rid of lime,
A spray room freshener,
Used all of the time!

But best of all,
A natural system,
Is the simple water,
That lurks in the cistern!

Cyril the Squirrel

Posted on January 9, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I was watching a cheeky squirrel in a barn opposite the house. Very carefully I opened the window, aimed and shot it with my Canon. I was quite pleased with the result. Others, however, suggested that I was going soft in the head and should be put out to grass…

Cyril the Squirrel has a very long tail,
He likes eating oats that should be for sale,
If inspectors knew, hell would be to pay,
He doesn’t give a damn, he just says ‘Yay!’

Up strode the farmer with his ferocious gun,
“You can’t stop me, eating oats is fun!”
Both barrels leveled at Cyril’s grey head,
But the farmer missed, shot the barn instead!

Cyril didn’t need telling once or even twice,
Took off across the yard, “That wasn’t very nice!”
The farmer reloaded and fired once again,
Hit the old water butt that was full of rain!

Cyril climbed the oak tree opposite the wood,
He’d outrun the farmer, knew that he could!
Bang went the gun, missed Cyril by a twitch,
Back fell the farmer who landed in the ditch!

Row, Row, Row your Boat!

Posted on January 8, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

One of my Granddaughters favourite books has a button that you press to play a tune while you sing the words:
Row,row, row the boat,
Gently down the stream,
If you see a crocodile
Don’t forget to scream!
Yesterday I went to look around the farm. As we are on the top of a hill I didn’t expect to see flooding. However we have had almost half our annual rainfall in one month. The land has had as much water as it can take, the ditches are full to overflowing and it has nowhere else to go. Just when farmers needed a good harvest to keep their heads above water! Looking at a small lake I was reminded that there are many many farmers whose fields are completely underwater. So as I waded through the water, knowing there was nothing I could do, I started to sing…

Row, row, row your boat,
Gently down the ditch,
When you see your flooded fields,
You know life is a bitch!

Wash, wash, wash your boat,
On a bright June day,
There is now a hosepipe ban,
Put that hose away!

‘Always look on the bright side of life,
der dum, der dum, der dum, der dum…’ Eric Idle

Surviving The Holidays!

Posted on January 7, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was on the phone to Mick at L&H Transport yesterday, arranging for a lorry to collect a load of oats this morning. We both congratulated each other on surviving to see yet another New Year! Having completed the arrangements I looked from the window to see others who were counting their blessings…

It was back to work Monday morning,
The holidays were truly over,
Arranging a collection of grain,
And wearing an old work pullover!

I spied a solemn procession,
Came around honking, looking for hay,
“We really have been very lucky,
We’ve managed to survive Christmas Day!”

“Our Friend was rather unfortunate,
She went to stay with a cousin,
Was shown her room Christmas Eve,
Didn’t realise it was an oven!”

“When folks saw her next she was naked,
On her back with feet in the air!
I’d like to tell where the orange was,
But with children around, I don’t dare!”

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E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Pylons are Coming!

Posted on January 6, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

According to a weekend newspaper, the dreaded pylons are on the march. Thanks to successful pressure from Home Counties Nimbys, wind turbines have proliferated in areas where there is little need for electricity. As a result the power has to be transported from turbines in areas of outstanding natural beauty by pylon to the homes of those very people who denounced turbines in their own backyard as spoilers of their countryside. It just seems to highlight the selfishness and stupidity of our age…

The Nimbys will protest again,
Not about flooding or persistent rain,
The view from their window may well change,
At the Old Vicarage and at The Grange!

They voted and marched against windmills,
Forced their building onto distant hills,
Now their houses need more power,
At the pylons they’ll frown and glower.

They’re against wave-power because of birds
Fields of cells are quite absurd!
Wind turbines bring them out in hives,
No local generation policy now survives.

Those who voted against local generation,
Are guilty of visual-pollution desecration,
Recently when the lights were out,
Those same people at the engineers did shout.

So bring on the darkness, serve them right,
They’ll see how early it’s dark at night!
In the dark the pylons, a demonic dance,
As yet more electric comes from France!!

The Sympathy Reservoir Springs a Leak

Posted on January 5, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

For some days now high tides, damaged sea walls and flooding have filled our screens. Correspondants have carefully chosen to report from those sea walls that have the greatest ‘splash factor’. Cars and vans have been filmed on smart phones floating away in swirling water. Helicopters have been hired to show new lakes on agricultural land. However there are signs of restlessness in the cheap seats. Very soon the gaze of the media will shift and editors will sigh with relief that new disasters are available. Meanwhile the misery for others will not have gone away so easily…

Water, water, everywhere,
It’s on the news right now,
Typical farmers complaining,
Have you seen a swimming cow?
One farmer has a massive lake
Where his crops once were,
The river is somewhere down in there,
It’s causing quite a stir.

A local pub has has water,
It’s lapping at the bar,
The publican faces ruin,
(It’s time for news from afar).
An old lady has been rescued,
She’s in an inflatable in the street,
Some kids splash by on scooters,
Her misery is complete.

“The council this, the council that!”
The council caused this rain!
They shouldn’t have given permission,
To build on a flood plain!”
Viewers screens are flooded,
Their patience down the drain,
They’ll move on, sympathy gone,
‘Not Me!’ syndrome again.

Postman Bob’s Final Countryside Round

Posted on January 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you know your postie’s name? Chances are that if you live in a town or city he delivers while you are away at work. Here in the sticks we are far more likely to share a quick word with her or him as we tend to work close to home. Today we lose our postman Bob. Some invisible layer of overpaid management has decreed that he is not senior enough to be in charge of this rural round. I know we will get used to having a different deliverer, but that won’t stop us missing ‘Our Bob’.

So it’s fond adieu,
It’s the final day,
Of Bob delivering,
Around our way.
We who are,
Countryside clan,
Will miss the humour
From his little red van!
So thank-you Bob,
For making us laugh,
As now you head up,
A different path!
And as for ladies,
If you please,
They’re bound to miss,
Your knobbly knees!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Empty Plate? Piece of Cake!

Posted on January 3, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

All our Christmas/New-Year guests have returned to their differing parts of the country (along with dogs!) and the house is now very quiet! Most things were to our guests liking, however one concern was raised…

One of our guests,
Mini-scene did make,
When she discovered,
No Christmas Cake!
We hadn’t had drink,
Nor were we pissed,
We’d just left it off,
Our shopping list!

We went to Stevenage,
And there in store,
Discounted cakes,
Not seen before!
So I’m ecstatic,
(she won’t agree),
As all this cake,
Is just for me!
(And it was absolutely fabulous, thank-you Mr Waitrose!)
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  