Mastering the Wind and Waves!

Posted on November 5, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever watched a sport where you have not the faintest idea what is happening? Last weekend I watched Jamie Drummond, a Freestyle Windsurfer, in action at a competition in Weymouth, Dorset. Despite having driven from Vassaliki, Greece, where he is based with water-sport holiday company Ocean Elements (http://www.ocean-elements.com), he gave a masterful performance in 50 knot winds to deservedly be placed first equal. I heard him use phrases like ‘Spock’ and ‘Kono’ but despite becoming an instant expert in a baffling sport, have to admit I’m none the wiser…

Jamie Drummond is riding the waves,
The wind is howling (or sick!)
He’s managed to fall numerous times,
As he performs his latest trick!
Did I just see a ‘Burner’?
Perhaps a Shaka or Loop?
His Ponch must be worth many prizes,
While he pulls off a new Betty Boop!
If I were to take to the water,
I’d sink like a drunken waiter!
So for all concerned, I have learned,
It’s best that I’m a spectator!

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Portland Bill’s Windy Seas

Posted on November 4, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

At the weekend I went to see Portland Bill. Disappointed to see he was just a promentory and not an old sage, my attention was diverted by the storm-force Westerly making it hard to stand. On the horizon I spotted a large boat heading into the storm…

There’s a freighter
on the horizon,
sailing into
a brisk Westerly,
off the coast of Portland
(Dorset, not Oregon or Maine).
The wind is gusting,
fifty knots,
and still the ship,
floats gently by.
We on the shore,
lean into the wind
just to stand up straight,
while spray and wind tears
drip down,
our ruddy-red faces!
Up on deck,
the hardy sailors,
sing an old sea shanty,
as they go about their,
jolly sailoring…

“If I were a sailor on a very large boat,
I’d go ‘Ooh and Ahh and floaty float!’
And if by chance the ship went down,
I’d be far too fat to ever drown!
So ahoy me hearty’s and shiver me timbers,
We’re headed for port and up we limbers!”

Naughty Uncle Savile and his Wandering Hands!

Posted on November 2, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Clearing rubbish after a boot sale often brings unexpected surprises! Amongst abandoned possessions recently was a photo album dated 1927. Reluctant to discard history I took it home. Looking through it the other night I noticed possible un-gentlemanly hand placement..

Uncle Savile is a funny man,
All the family knows,
He’s the life and soul of the party,
Aware how the best joke goes.

Uncle Savile is a dirty old man,
So say Sarah and Rose,
At any given opportunity,
Feels their bodies through their clothes.

Uncle Savile has gone away,
No one in the family knows,
He’s been sentenced to many years,
No danger will he now pose.

A Tricky Treat!

Posted on November 1, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Last night was All Hallows Eve, known to millions as Halloween. An ancient Celtic custom of remembering loved-ones who have gone before us. This has since been exported, bastardised and re-imported in order to sell yet more tat in our supermarkets! I decided that I could not resist the attraction any longer and so I purchased a pair of special shoes and went out into the dark night…

Trick or Treat is never complete,
Without a scary sight,
But I bet, none will forget,
What they saw last night!
I’d found some boots on the internet,
That and a furry coat,
None can compare or even scare,
An idiot dressed as a goat!

Just How Low Can You Go?

Posted on October 31, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I jumped in the car to drive the two miles to town. I’d not driven far down the road when I noticed the irritating light on the dashboard warning me of low fuel. As is normal with most cars now, Nanny had to go further and tell me how many miles I had before I came to a halt. It was less than I’d ever seen before…

The yellow light’s a-flashing,
It’s warning me to fill,
I’ve ignored its plea all week,
Now I’m feeling ill.
The pump’s another mile,
I’m pleading with the Gods!
“I won’t do this again,”
That should shorten odds!

Will I reach the pump?
Have I got my card?
Pushing this old beast by hand,
Impossible not hard.
I am getting closer,
I begin to sweat,
There are cars on the roundabout,
I’m nowhere safe, not yet!

At last I’m near the forecourt,
Waiting in a queue,
I clasp my hands in prayer,
There’s nothing else to do!
At last I’m at the pumps,
It starts to spot with rain,
It takes over seventy litres!
I’ll never do this again!
(… well, not until the next time anyway!)

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Step Away From The Bonfire (Unless you have a Derogation)!

Posted on October 30, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We live in changing times and have either to ‘go with the flow’ or risk alienation. I’m no fan of rules, regulation and red tape, however when a piece of legislation makes you stop and consider what you are about to do and explore alternatives, then maybe it has achieved its true purpose. Yesterday we were faced with the clear-up after the St Jude storm. We normally put fallen branches into the wood where it can rot down and become a home for bugs, beetles and other creepy-crawlies. However in this instance there was too much of the stuff and so we needed a bonfire. Official permission, in the form of derogation, has to be applied for before lighting up (along with a health and safety risk assessment)…

Yesterday morning I filled out a form,
In order to clear up after the storm.
We have to apply for a derogation,
From restrictions on burning across the nation.
I humffed in the office I must admit,
“These bloody forms, they’re all sh*t!”
But when I had considered what they are for,
My position started changing from before,
And little by little a change could be seen,
(My hands started first by turning green!)
The ubiquitous forms had made me consider,
The effect of my actions on wood, copse and river.
So having justified the reason in the end,
I felt self-righteous when I pressed ‘send’!
So now we can chain-saw to our hearts content,
Once I‘ve completed my risk assessment!

A Dog’s Life!

Posted on October 29, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

We have two terriers who make a pretty good job of ruling our lives. I would like to say they earn their keep as farm dogs, ratting and mouseing all day long, but I’d be lying. They make the most of their ‘down-time’ to such an extent that there is no longer any pretence at having any ‘up-time’ at all! When I come back to this world I want to return as a dog, that is, a dog that lives here with me…

It’s a dog’s life,
I’ve always said,
They do as they wish,
Then they hog the bed!

They get up in the morning,
Breakfast claim,
Rush off down the garden,
Less keen in the rain!

Then it’s back to the Aga,
Or sneak off up to bed,
That it’s a dog’s life,
Nothing more to be said!

The Perfect Storm!

Posted on October 28, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

In these ‘forecast the worst – hope for the best’ health and safety-ridden days, potential disaster is pounced upon by 24hr media and official sources! For the past few days a storm of biblical proportions has been forecast. Prime Minister Canute has held a meeting to discuss how to save the country from its effects and local authorities rush around acting out the results of thousands of hours of Disaster Planning Contingency meetings. Yet again, Nature simply reminds us who is boss…

The forecasters gave out warnings,
Preachers said we’d sinned,
We battened down the hatches,
Waiting for disastrous wind!

We spent the night in the cellar,
The dogs thought we were mad,
I finished off the sloe gin,
This morning I feel bad!

The trains have all been cancelled,
The country is locked down,
If you have a meeting,
You won’t get up to Town!

TV’s in its element,
Reporters in the dark,
Looks like they’re in peril,
They’re in a local park!

It’s ‘The Perfect Storm’,
Threatened wind and rain
The reason it was perfect,
Was less violent when it came!

Novel Nautical Navigation Accessories (socks!)

Posted on October 27, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I spent the weekend on a boat. In keeping with an attempt to be nautical rather than agricultural, I wore a special pair of socks that friends Susan and Alex had supplied. Immediately I discovered a problem with a novel solution…

Having grown up so far from the sea,
Certain questions have always puzzled me!
Which side is green and which is red?
And why is the Loo always called the ‘Head’?

I stood out on the front of the ship,
Looked back to see which Nav-light lit?
Green on my left, red on my right,
Then about-turn to see which sock was right!
Hopping about, one foot in the air,
I got it wrong, close to despair!
So I gave up and with clever deductions,
I did the obvious – I read the instructions!
…and finally put the right sock on the right foot (I think!)
© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

The Agricultural Time Traveler (third class!)

Posted on October 25, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

How many of you remember the ‘Back to the Future’ films 1985, 1989 & 1990? How many of you wanted to hop into that DeLorean car, get the ‘Embarrassment Eraser’ out and give parts of your life a good rub? I can remember a constant phrase of my youth seemed to be “if I had only known then…” One aspect of the films that I hadn’t registered was that the date on the time machine console just happened to be my 30th birthday, October 26^th1985! Unfortunately I received no credit, but there again the only part I had played was being born on that date many years before…

If I could travel back in time,
I probably wouldn’t be writing rhyme!
I’d have grown the very best crops,
Invented combine-harvested hops!
I’m sure I’d have won an award by now,
Stood on a stage and taken a bow!
I might have passed many exams,
Had a flock of sheep, breeding rams!
I could have run ten-thousand metres,
Or competed against true world beaters!
But here I am back from the past,
My DeLorean’s rusty and no longer fast!
But one thing I discovered, it’s better to be,
Satisfied with life than un-ha-pp-y!
On my next trip back, just one more time,
I’ll get help in making my words rhyme!
If our lifetime-gearboxes had reverse,
We’d probably end up making things much worse.
So I’ll wish myself a Happy Birthday,
Since you ask… threw the keys away!

Michael J Fox (who played Marti McFly in the Back to the Future trilogy is now 52 years old and actively campaigns on behalf of those who suffer with Parkinson’s Disease following his own diagnosis in 1990.