Dolly’s Christmas Party!

Posted on December 24, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

The office party season has finally slurred to a close. Up and down the land staff have made fools of themselves and said things they’d never dream of saying in private to their cat, let alone to co-workers. Evidence has been stored for use later in the year. On the farm, Dolly the horse has been to a Christmas party…

Dolly went to an office party,
Had her fill of beer.
Found there were no wise men around,
Shouted “Getsh me outav here!”

Charlotte helped her to a singles bar,
Hoping the air would sober.
Dolly told the barman thirteen times,
“No drinksh shinsh lasht hic-tober!”

The barman said to Dolly,
“Why the very long face?”
She didn’t find the joke amusing,
Lost her temper and trashed the place!

So Charlotte hailed a taxi,
Dolly was abusive of course.
It didn’t help when the driver said:
“Is she drunk or just a little hoarse!”

Dolly’s had a good night’s sleep,
Dreaming of carrots and peace.
But this morning she’s hung-over,
Being asked some questions by the police!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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Let’s Talk Turkey!

Posted on December 23, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you ever stop and consider where your food comes from? Even as a food producer my mind seldom wanders further than the packet on the shelf in the supermarket. We are blessed in this part of the UK with high-quality suppliers and producers. Sometimes we are even lucky enough to know exactly where our food comes from…

John and Sue farm near here
In the run-up to Christmas they disappear!
Not seen here not seen there
‘Plucking’ turkeys everywhere!
Out and about in all weathers
Sue’s seasonal hairstyle includes feathers!
“Let’s Talk Turkey!” is what they say
They’ll want peace come Christmas Day!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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The Phoenix Rises!

Posted on December 22, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

On August 16th, during harvest, my trusty Isuzu did a passable impersonation of an Olympic Torch! Since then I have hired, begged and borrowed a succession of vehicles while ‘those in the know’ searched for a suitable replacement. John W, a late entrant into this vehicular marathon came up on the inside to take the tape first! I now drive incognito…

Local farmers think something’s fishy
I now drive a Mitsubishi!
Some are asking if it’s on hire
Others are looking for signs of fire!
It looks brand-new because it’s so clean
It’s tidy enough to give a lift to the Queen!
So if you see it parked in the yard
It’s not a celebrity but the Baldock Bard!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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Goodbye to Tomorrow!

Posted on December 21, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

There are some, mainly barmy academics and ‘Armageddon Tourists’ (presumably without a return ticket), who think this is our last day! Today, 21-12-12 is the day ‘Preppers’ (survivalists) in more remote parts of the USA start to open the tins of food they’ve been saving since the early sixties. As it’s too late for me to be saved by a UFO in the tiny (but suddenly crowded) village of Bugarach in the South of France I shall take my chances. After all I’ve done my Christmas shopping…

If some people have their way
This will be our last today!
Those of us who can speak Mayan
Think that they’ve been caught a-lie’n!
If tomorrow was not to be
I wouldn’t have bought a Christmas tree!
We don’t know when our time is up
So go ahead get that pup!
If I’m wrong it will be hard
“Goodbye tomorrow!” from the Baldock Bard!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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Christmas Shopping!

Posted on December 20, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I have been Christmas shopping. We trudged around the stores grabbing suitable gifts from the shelves. At my lowest moment I suddenly realized that I was a ‘Shopping Wimp’ and that there was someone else who was much busier at this time of year…

Santa’s very busy
Prepares for Christmas Day
He’s got so many things to do
Nothing gets in the way!

The reindeers need servicing
Oil change and tyres (new set)
Antifreeze levels corrected
Air horns he can’t forget!

The sleigh is in the workshop
Windscreen wipers worn
The runners need replacing
Upholstery tired and worn!

Six billion presents still to wrap
A thousand miles of paper
He’s industrious and shows us all
He’s a Christmas motivator!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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Carol Singing!

Posted on December 19, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever had fun, poking fun at somebody having fun? Once again I have been found out to be hypocritical. Last night Mrs Bard and I went to a carol party in the village and had great fun singing all the old favourites. The more the mulled wine flowed the better (or louder) we sung! So this short verse is for Morris: Where you lead we will follow…

A friend of ours joined a choir
When she moved to Kent this year
I was sarcastic about her exploits
Should have done the same I fear!

Spent last night singing carols
No hard pews or bells that ring
Canapes, carols and mulled wine
Hark! The village voices sing!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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Nothing!

Posted on December 18, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I knew it would happen
To me one day
Nothing to write
Nothing to say
Maybe it’s a message?
Maybe it’s not?
What was I going to say?
I think I’ve forgot
So here’s a picture
I took the other day
It sums up this morning
There’s nothing more to say!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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When Time Fell Off the Wall!

Posted on December 17, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Clearing up the rubbish after a car boot sale some years ago I came across some unwanted time. Unable to sell the kitchen clock, the former owners just abandoned it and drove off. I’ve always been wary about throwing clocks or watches away since someone told me years ago that it was inviting bad luck (hence I have broken watches lying at the bottom of almost every drawer or cupboard in the house). Last week the rescued clock fell from its nail in the kitchen wall and hit me on the head on its way to the stone floor. I thought it was en route to a cupboard (the drawers now having no space left!) but gave it one last chance. Following three attempts and a new battery it suddenly came out of its coma, received a radio signal from Rugby and merited its place back on the nail! This simple action not only suggested to me that sometimes time can heal but also led to me considering time itself…

The kitchen clock fell to the floor
Catching my head on the way
Time passed by close to my eye
How much or how close I can’t say!

The perennial answer to life is time,
Not money nor wages nor sin
At work time loss is down to the boss
Not knowing what we had to begin!

If we could time-travel what would we change?
Knowing disruption could be
Children not born partners forlorn
Totally different life you see!

Thank heavens we can’t go back in time
Not even to yesterday’s tea!
There’d be no stopping impulse-bad shopping
In a flash it never would be!

But the greatest threat to going back now
I’d know what I look like to all
I’d have met an old me when just twenty-three
And seen how time can be cruel!

© Baldock Bard 2012
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The Coffee Cream Thief!

Posted on December 15, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

There is a sweet thief on the loose in my office! I had managed to resist finishing a box of coffee creams (my confectionary of choice!) and had left one in case of emergency. Yesterday I remembered the sole remaining sweet, but when I retrieved the box, someone had got there first…

I’m in quite a panic
Today hasn’t been what it may seem
I came across a near-empty box
With a single orphaned coffee cream!

It just sat there pleading,
Would I end it with one bite?
I don’t know where its siblings went
I know it wasn’t the Isle of Wight!

I sat the box down in the corner
On my favourite comfy chair
I popped out for a minute
When I returned it was not there!

I’ve tried to hide the evidence
Of what took place today
The dog has dropped me in it
By choosing the box to take to play!

There’s a coffee-cream-eater on the loose
It was in this area today
I’m either off to the shop in St Neots
Or sweetparadise.co.uk!

CCTV STILL OF THE SUSPECTED COFFEE CREAM THIEF!

For Christmas Sweets of the old-fashioned kind either visit those very nice people at 4, Cross Keys Mews, St Neots, Cambs, PE19 2AR or http://sweetparadise.co.uk

Tell them “The Bard sent you!”
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The Christmas Tree Gongoozler!

Posted on December 14, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

There are some jobs that naturally attract gongoozlers and self-proclaimed experts. Erecting a caravan awing is one, taking a boat through a canal lock is another and a combine breakdown in harvest is a third. Erecting a Christmas tree is also a job that should only be attempted in private. I found myself giving unnecessary advice last night despite having a complete lack of expertise myself.

“Left a bit, right a bit!”
I offer advice with glee.
As son-in-law John,
Puts up their Christmas tree.
“More lights on the left,
More lights on the right!”
The tree’s now looking perfect,
The lights are shining bright!

It’s easy to be an expert,
With someone else’s tree.
Now that I’ve got ours to do,
It would seem the joke’s on me!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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