Financial Perambulations!

Posted on October 17, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday, as apprentice grandparents, Mrs Bard and I went unaccompanied to the baby section of a large department store. It was a shock. For some reason I had thought that there was a recession and that money was tight. Prams we looked at (I think that’s what they might be called although they bore no resemblance to anything we had when we were producing children) cost £600, £700 and even £950. I came away with a feeling of inadequacy at our £20 purchase at the car boot sale…

The Rolls-Royce of prams was on display,
I thought it looked quite nice.
But had to suddenly look away,
When confronted by the price!
I started to sweat, I was in deep shock,
I really felt unwell.
Other grandparents would probably mock,
And call me mean as well.
So we continued shopping next door,
While the shock subsided.
And I saw the reason some can pay more:
Free cash was being provided!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season ends this Saturday at 7am but returns after Easter 2013! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Autumn Car Boot Sale Mornings!

Posted on October 16, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

This coming Saturday is our last car boot sale of the season. The mornings have suddenly become darker and there is a distinct chill in the air. Some hardy souls always question why we don’t continue through the winter, I always respond by suggesting that autumn is a gentle reminder of things to come…

Autumn mornings are here once more,
First fallen leaves upon the floor.
At the boot sale buyers hunch their shoulders,
As they barter with the gloved-stallholders.

From the tea urn white steam rises,
Hot drinks poured in different sizes.
No need now for ice-cream scoop,
Just warming coffee and cups of soup!

A mist pervades the distant hills,
Monochromed early-morning stills.
The sun reluctant to leave its bed,
Perhaps we should be there instead!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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The O2 No-Two Dance!

Posted on October 15, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

According to the media, the cell-phone provider O2 had problems with their signal last Friday. While this may have been disastrous for those living in towns and cities up and down the UK, those of us in more remote locations (35 miles from Central London in my case) noticed little difference. O2 is the estranged bastard-child of BT, this may account for their don’t-care attitude to loyal customers (I have to add that O2 are by no means the only underachieving ‘service’ providers). If my mobile rings in the house I do the ‘O2 dance’…

If the mobile rings and I’m in the house,
I answer by saying: “Please wait!”
I then make a dash through the door,
And out past the garden gate.

With dogs barking around my feet,
(Sometimes even a cat!)
I look from afar like Jolly Jack Tar
Doing the Hornpipe Dance like that!

Last Friday morning I was in the house,
With a coffee awaiting a call.
A truck was on its way to me,
Loading wheat before nightfall!

The display showed ‘Mick from L&H’
I uttered a naughty word!
Four times I missed this important call,
Normal but absurd!

It was only on Saturday when I read,
There was a problem with O2,
As it had been service as normal,
I didn’t believe it true!

Now Voyager 1 is 6billion kilometres away,
Still sending back information.
We’re 35 miles from Hyde Park,
With third-world communication!
The circled blue dot is Earth as seen from Voyager 1

© Baldock Bard 2012
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The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues every Saturday at 7am until October 20th! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Dolly’s Dreamy Haircut!

Posted on October 13, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Dolly the horse has an aversion to the beauty salon. She head-buts, kicks out and generally becomes ‘ASBO-Horse, Scourge of the Stable!’ Yesterday it was time for a trim – Protective helmets were donned, reinforcements drafted and the vet was called. If she reads this I’m in big trouble…

Alas poor Dolly she looks so sad,
She’s not been ill, she’s not been bad.
She just hates her coat being trimmed,
A small injection, her senses dimmed.
She falls asleep, has horsey dreams,
Lush fields of grass by gurgling streams!
By this morning in the paddock she’ll float,
Muttering aloud: “Where’s my coat?”
I’m so grateful that when I worry,
My owner doesn’t tell the vet to hurry!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues every Saturday at 7am until October 20th! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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Sharon’s Tonka Toy!

Posted on October 12, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Our neighbour’s wife has recently had a new car. Her long-suffering husband, children and insurance company are probably wishing that she’d resort to using the bus! I wouldn’t dare comment…

My neighbour’s wife is full of joy,
She drives around in a Tonka Toy!
Her husband says her driving’s poor,
Last week she bent the garage door.
The children groaned: “Not again mum,”
As the door made a bang like a big bass drum!
A colour-coded bumper and new headlight,
Seemed to put the situation right!
The garage door was beyond repair,
There’s now just a space right there!
All repaired but that’s not all,
Last night she hit the garden wall!

Lamb with Apple Sauce!

Posted on October 11, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Hurrah! The orchard that we planted in 2011 is bearing fruit. Seventeen apples to be precise. It is also home to some of the best grass mowers money can’t buy: Merlin, Nuthatch (known as ‘Nutty’) and Nightjar, three very photogenic and championship-winning Black-Welsh rams belonging to a local stockman. While out harvesting the large crop this morning I started to sing an ancient nursery rhyme. You may just be able to sing it too…

Baa baa black sheep
Can I have an apple?
No Sir, No Sir,
They’re all for the chapel!

One for the minister,
And one for Elaine,
And one for Gareth Bale,
Who plays at White Hart Lane!

Ode to Chocolate Mousse!

Posted on October 10, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

You are so wonderful,
You are so sweet,
Without your presence,
A meal’s incomplete!

I see you nestling,
Upon my spoon,
And know we’ll be together,
Very soon!

And then the taste,
Reaches it’s destination,
And I don’t much care,
About damnation!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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The European Discount Experience!

Posted on October 9, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday afternoon Mrs Bard and I visited a discount supermarket. Last time we had ventured through the doors we had been after a packet of French steak haché and had been most disappointed to find it had flown off the shelves. This time we entered with no pre-requests and were luckier…

We went on a visit to a discount store,
Why had we never been to this one before?
Aisles full of goodies you never knew,
You needed so badly at prices untrue!
Things for the kitchen, stuff for the car,
A workshop compressor next to sports bra!
Amongst strange names from a faraway land,
Something familiar – an everyday brand!
Goods that you last saw on holiday abroad,
This time in pounds sterling at a price to afford.
New ways of eating beetroot, well fancy that?
Some strange looking tins – Oh! It’s food for the cat!
You start to question how can this be?
You’ve bought German sausage for just 50p.
You’ve heard that their whisky from Scotland is crackin’,
So into the trolley goes a bottle of Ben Bracken!
When you get home and unload the car,
You wonder was it worth it? Has it gone too far?
Then you wonder if you’ve been cyclopean?
Thanks to Aldi and Lidl you’re truly European!

Last Week

Posted on October 8, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Prior to last Monday, 1^st of October, few knew of a small Welsh market town called Machynlleth. Even fewer had heard of a five-year-old little girl called April Jones.
On Wednesday 3^rd of October, a funeral service was held in Manchester Cathedral for PC Nicola Hughes, gunned down whilst on duty.
On Thursday 4^th of October, another funeral service was held in Manchester Cathedral for PC Fiona Bone, who was killed along with PC Nicola Hughes.
On Saturday 7^th October, Mark Bridger was charged by police with the murder and abduction of April Jones.

Last Thursday, the 4^th of October, my daughter gave birth to a healthy baby girl, Marsya May. In a week in which there was so much unhappiness around the country, it was difficult not to feel guilty for having such personal joy.

Baldock Bard

Camouflaged Parking!

Posted on October 6, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Vehicles can now be ‘painted’ in ways unthinkable just a few years ago. One new idea is called wrapping and involves a large computer-generated sticker to be stuck to the outside of the car. This is then heated with a large ‘hairdryer’ and trimmed to fit. When done badly the results can be appalling but when done well it can be very effective…

I went to park in the car park,
I chose an empty space.
It wasn’t all that large,
I wanted to park in that place!

I lined up our large car,
To be able to open the door.
I needed to get the shopping in,
Not drop it on the floor!

Mrs Bard shouted a warning,
I obeyed to save my health.
In the parking space I’d chosen,
Was an Audi – totally stealth!
© Baldock Bard 2012
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The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues every Saturday at 7am until October 13th! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074
E-mail: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk
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