Matteo’s Big Flames!

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Yesterday evening we had what may prove to be the last barbecue of the year. As the evening drew in the temperature dropped considerably and Matteo (see Bard passim: http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=1127), ably assisted by his Uncle Alessandro, decided to light the fire-pit! Four singed eyebrows later they announced their endeavour to be ‘an unqualified success’…

They do things differently in Italy,
Or that’s what Matteo said,
“We lighta de fire dis way,
Drya weeds forma de starting bed!”

We looked on with amazement,
As the flames leapt to the sky.
Instant heat soon warmed us,
He’d used diesel that was why!

In the middle of proceedings,
Uncle Alessandro poured more wine!
Matteo looked up from the fire-pit,
And claimed that all was fine!
Then came the timber,
Branches felled in June.
The flames licked around them,
I thought it way too soon.

They both carried the biggest,
A trunk that looked too long.
Suddenly “Hey!” they both leapt away,
Both had eyebrows gone!

Then the singing started,
“How we do-a de things in Rome!”
I can only suggest earnestly:
You never try this at home!
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues every Saturday at 7am until mid-October!

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A Memorable Present!

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It is always difficult choosing gifts. Make a mistake and the memory lingers like a bad smell. Like it did with Mrs Bard at Christmas many years ago when I bought what I mistakenly thought had been ‘admired’ in an Italian restaurant. The giant pepper pot didn’t really stack up to a friend’s wife’s broadcast joy of an expensive (and ‘new’) microwave! This summer I was treading carefully…

Mrs Bard had a birthday
I thought I’d better make sure
And buy her something memorable
What she’d like, (not a bike, or a saw!)

I looked around for a present
Cookery books she has every one!
Judging by the size of my stomach
That could be, for me, overdone!

I looked for something she could wear,
(She doesn’t like fashion at all),
I’d tried that avenue some years ago,
It was one, not fun, but a fall!

Then I thought of this years summer,
And looked to see what to get,
I’d heard with athletes they’d been popular,
So I got her a 2012 duvet set!

And she liked it a lot!
(Don’t try this at home. Results may vary, in some cases leading to painful and permanent injury)

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues every Saturday at 7am until mid-October!

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My New iPhone!

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This morning there are queues stretching around the world outside Apple stores. This is so the ‘lucky ones’ can say to their friends “I’ve got the new i-phone 5, nah-nah-na-nah-nah!” When I saw the new offering, a voice screamed in the back of my head: “Want one and I want one NOW!” However some hours later I realize that it will still receive those annoying sales calls, the same forwarded text jokes and exactly the same music that is installed on my present model. I will wait, I think…

Yippee! Yippee! It’s an i-phone five,
I want, I want, just to feel alive.
The screen is bigger and that’s not all,
To own one now would be so cool!

I’ve watched the keynote speech upon my Mac
I thought to myself “there’s no going back”
I watched the news reports on TV,
I want one now, can’t wait you see!

But then I realized I’d been had,
The hype had got to me, I was sad!
There’s no way queuing would make me cool,
Quite the opposite, I’d look a fool!

Now I’ve got over this little need,
The inner voice no more does plead,
Instead Mr Sensible shows no surprise,
I will just wait until my old i-phone dies!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues this Saturday at 7am!


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The Nonchalant Caterpillar!

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Some people worry their way through life while some have a very laid-back attitude to problems. When my father-in-law died in his nineties he had the blood pressure of a man of 35! I would be a hypocrite if I suggested that we all should worry less, perhaps it’s all down to genetics…

A very laid-back caterpillar,
Once crossed a busy road.
When asked why he did it:
“To search for a new abode!”

I said, “surely its too dangerous,
Crossing busy roads,
Trucks are speeding by right now,
Carrying heavy loads.”

He replied with a don’t-care shrug,
“It’s just one of those things,
And anyway I soon will say:
It’s much easier with wings!”
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues this Saturday at 7am!

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September Christmas!

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I went shopping this morning and came across a shocking display in a department store. I know I’m old and miserable to boot, but surely September is too early for these sort of displays? Who knows what this could lead to: Slade, Wham, Bing, Cliff, Band Aid and Dolly and Kenny wishing us all ‘Peace on Earth’ before the clocks go back…

September 12th in a shop called Beales,
I was alerted by schoolgirl squeals!
Turns out they’d discovered a reason for mirth,
A full display celebrating Christ’s birth!
Santas, snowmen and Christmas gifts,
A late-summer surprise right by the lifts.
Of course I am mad, right royal hopping,
And so have started my Christmas shopping!
The only problem some might say:
Will I forget it before the big day?
So I’ve made a file on my computer drives:
‘Christmas Gifts?’ for when December arrives!
So thanks to the store for the fine display,
Just 103 days until Christmas Day!

Beat the rush!
Visit
www.beales.co.uk

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues Saturday 7am!


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9-11 An Unforgettable Moment in Time

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Can you remember where you were on 9-11? Mrs Bard was collecting our daughter from school (it was mid-afternoon in the UK) and my son, David, called me from my office: “come and see these pictures of an plane hitting one of the Twin Towers in New York”. I reached the sitting room just in time to see the second plane, behind the Sky correspondents back, turn and make it’s way into the second tower.
The picture above was recently posted on Reddit with the caption: ‘The final picture of my cousin Gary – taken on September 11, 2001’.
That week (September 14th 2001) I published the following verse in the local paper. How well it fits the photo…

Dedicated to Emergency Crews around the world and all those who have sacrificed their lives in the call of duty to save others.

They walk towards danger,
When we run away.
They answer our calls,
Both by night and by day.
Whether Moslem or Christian,
Doesn’t matter to them.
They’d risk their lives,
Then do it again.
How do we thank them,
For the risks that they take?
Cost cutting measures,
Small savings to make.
After events in New York,
What have we learned?
To value them all,
Give them the credit they’ve earned.

All efforts have been made to trace the copyright holder of the photo without success.  

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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Spiced Ham!

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Yesterday I had a very busy Inbox – ‘you have comments awaiting moderation!’ The number made me both celebratory and cautious at the same time: I’d either upset a whole host of readers or I’d touched a nerve in a more positive way. Trawling through them I discovered they were a product of Spiced Ham…

I opened up my E-mail box,
There was a big surprise:
Nearly seventeen hundred comments,
I couldn’t believe my eyes!

I started the process of moderation,
To find they were sneaky sales,
Looking to con my readers,
From L.A. right to Wales!

What in the world is a Cialis?
Does my butcher know?
If I wore designer shoes
On the farm would they show?

‘Louis Vuitton’ handbag?
Maybe ‘Microsoft 10’?
Pssst! Want a shady payday loan?
Or a ‘Cartier’ watch for men?

I’ve seventeen hundred comments,
All awaiting moderation.
It’s unfair to call them Spam,
When they’re just an irritation!

Postscript: In the twenty-four hours since posting this I have only had thirty-two offers of a pharmaceutical nature – Things must be getting better! 

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues this Saturday at 7am!

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A Most Powerful Legacy?

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Some considered the Paralympics to be a runner-up to the Olympics. I believe that is no longer the case. Channel Four’s coverage in the UK has been remarkable, they have greatly helped change perceptions through their brave and ground-breaking broadcasts and presenters. The public’s insatiable appetite for entertaining, exciting and successful sporting action has enabled most to see beyond the missing arms, legs and other disabilities. Individual stories have uplifted a nation and reminded us that you don’t have to look far to find someone worse off than you, however once found they don’t seek pity, nor charity but acceptance and the odd Personal Best…

What was the moment you forgot the person was not simply disabled but a World-class Athlete?
Was it the tirade in the velodrome: “Four f*cking years I trained for this”?
(or the apology afterwards?)
or
Sarah Storey catching up with the men’s road race?
or
Ellie Simmonds unbelievable speed down the length of the pool?
or
Richard Whitehead’s amazing win in the 200 metres?
or
The shock realisation that you hadn’t noticed the commentator’s missing arm despite having watched him give numerous track-side reports?
or
The discovery that the Paralympics is not the only championships where disabled athletes can compete?

Finally…
For me, the individual story that I shall always remember, is how American gold medal winner, wheel-chair racer Tatyana McFadden came to the games. I make no apology for repeating it here.
Tatyana was born with spina bifida, paralysed from the waist down. She was adopted from a Russian orphanage at the age of six by an American, Deborah McFadden, who bought Tatyana her first wheel chair and then encouraged her to participate in sports as a way to keep healthy.
Mrs McFadden has said that every time she introduced Tatyana to a sport, she took to it right away: swimming, gymnastics, wheelchair basketball and downhill skiing. Apparently she kept saying “ya sama”, in Russian it doesn’t mean ‘I can do it’, it means ‘I can do it myself’.
After the Paralympics in Athens, aged 15, she returned to high school (having won a silver and bronze medal) with a wish to be part of the high school track team. but on the eve of the first meeting the coach refused to give her a uniform, she wouldn’t be allowed to compete. However after a complaint by her mother she was allowed to race. The other competitors in the 400 metres ran first and then the meeting was stopped and Tatyana was allowed to race – on her own.
Tatyana and her mother sued the Howard County Public School System. Deborah Mc Fadden had been head of the US Administration on Developmental Disabilities in 1990 when President George Bush signed the Americans with Disabilities Act that banned discrimination against people with disabilities. The lawsuit-sought clarification on how disability rights laws applied to high school sports. Tatyana wanted to compete alongside other high school students.
Her action was not only for herself, but also for others including her sister, Hannah, now also a world-class athlete.
Tatyana now attends the University of Illinois on a sports scholarship. More and more of these are now being offered to athletes with disabilities.
In an interview with NPR (National Public Radio), Deborah McFadden is quoted as saying: “I never set out to say, ‘Hmmm, I wonder how I can make her a Paralympian’, I was thinking, ‘How can I keep her alive?’”

I shall leave the final word to ‘Last Leg’ presenter Adam Hills, who said last night on Channel Four: “Sydney was the first games where Paralympians were treated like equals – London was the first time they were treated like heroes.”

The world has changed for the better, lets hope the change is everlasting.

Baldock Bard

Sources: npr.org, imgace.com, twitter.com, google.com, tatyanamcfadden.com, wikipedia.org  

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Ode to Harvest!

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Yesterday I broke a cultivator. While looking around for a suitable piece of steel to weld on and repair it I came across a bent piece of combine from many years ago. This discovery reminded me that the progress of harvest is sometimes less than smooth. Later I received a text from a friend: ‘broke combine after 3 hectares!’ I sat down and penned the following…

The screeching of bearings
The squealing of belts
The groaning of steel upon steel
That heart sinking feeling as you turn off the engine
And harvest becomes very still

Climb down the steps
Inquisitively anxious
Alone in the furthest far field
You open the guards smell burning rubber
Bang goes the profit and yield!

You call up the dealer
Explain to the storeman
Who wrestles with non-technical speak
Some of the parts are out of the country
They had one on the shelf last week!

It sits in the workshop
Disrobed and abandoned
The weather outside fine and bright
All you can hear is the sounds of the neighbours
They have been cutting all night!

One part is missing
(The one that is vital)
A forty mile dash is to do
On the way back you wave to your neighbour
His has broken down too!

At last the mechanic
Re-assembles the pieces
Repacks his toolbox again
You open the doors to continue with harvest
Alas it’s pouring with rain!
© Baldock Bard 2012

For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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Harvest Home!

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Last night we finished harvest. This year more than any other we are truly counting our blessings that we have a small farm, as all over the country there are many acres of wheat still to harvest. This is not only due to the wet summer, but also the wheat straw was still green while the seed was ripe. Modern harvesters require the straw to be dry in order to maximize throughput of the crop therefore covering vast areas in minimum time. By the time the straw was ready the grain was rapidly loosing both quality and value. As we only had a small acreage we were able to struggle on with greenish straw and get the grain while still good. The yields may not be record-breakers but everything is in the barn. The last crop to harvest were the beans…

Two questions that I’m always asked,
At this time of year:
“What’s that black crop in the field?”
Or “that crop looks dead I fear!”
That black crop is field beans,
Either planted winter or spring,
It’s what is known as a ‘break crop’,
Allows a rotation of crops to begin.
When harvested it’s dusty,
(But not in an air-con cab!)
We have to catch them before they fall out,
Beans left on the ground is bad!
Back in the barn they rattle,
Much noisier than wheat or oats,
In six months or so they will go,
To feed pigs, cattle or goats.
So now the harvest is over,
But there is just no time,
We’re already cultivating for next year,
(But that’s another day’s rhyme!)
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues tomorrow at 7am!
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