House Hunting the Morris Way!

Posted on April 4, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Some people hate moving house. They procrastinate for days, weeks, months or even years in a perpetual ‘shall we? shan’t we?’. Some eventually preferring to stay put rather than make a decision. I have a friend who is the exact opposite. While out jogging the other day she spied a similar house to hers in an estate agent’s window and within the fortnight had not only sold her house but bought her latest ‘dream house’ as well. This, in verse form is her story…

House Hunting the Morris Way!

Some people stay in just one place
Because moving house they cannot face
Well there’s a woman that we know
She moves house in just one go

A few weeks since she was jogging past
an Estate Agents window, “gotta move fast!”
Looked at the photos – that’s like our dwelling
Oh good heavens look at the price it’s selling!

Rushed back home to tell the old man
“We’re moving house – a cunning plan!”
“But I’m quite happy with this one”
“Don’t worry dear, it’ll be such fun!”

A couple of weeks of looking spent
She’s found a house in a village in Kent
So from town they’re going to fly
She may even join the WI

In the garden live three chooks
They’ll be studying poultry books
What’s to follow? Maybe a sow?
They’re going to be like farmers now!

In Barbour and headscarf she’ll be seen
Taking tea on the village green
So if changing house is tiresome proving
Follow her example – just get speed-moving!

© Baldock Bard
Just 10 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns  for its 20th season on the 14th April 2012 
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Government Minister: Highway Ode 6

Posted on April 3, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Driving down a nearby motorway some time ago, I noticed blue lights in my rear-view mirror. I pulled over to let the police pass and noticed that after the two outriders came three identical black limousines all driving incredibly close together at speed. Later on I realised I’d just been overtaken by a certain politician and his entourage. This prompted thoughts (not all good!) and the following flowed onto the page, I hope you enjoy it…

The Government Minister

Recumbent on the back seat
Of his brand new limousine
The Minister’s just farted
A side the voters never seen

He’s on his way to the constituency
To try to save his seat
His one great fear is that some year
He will face defeat

He’ll have to kiss some babies
Kiss their mothers too
Be your bad luck if in the ruck
He winds up kissing you!

The traffic’s never a problem
Police motorcycles out in front
He’s cut their budget again this year
They both think he’s a ‘****’

The driver’s been around a bit
He’s always known the score
A subtle smile for the thermophile
He’s seen it all before!

© Baldock Bard
Just 11 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns  for its 20th season on the 14th April 2012 
www.u-boot.co.uk

Walking in the Park!

Posted on April 2, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I sat watching two terriers taking their owner for a walk in a park recently and thought ‘there has to be a story there somewhere’ and sure enough…

Two small white terriers running in the park,
They’re out walking their owner,
I think his name is Mark.
They’ve made him wear fluorescent,
He’s not safe out alone,
They’ll walk him to the furthest point,
And then they’ll run off home!

© Baldock Bard
Just 12 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns  for its 20th season on the 14th April 2012 
www.u-boot.co.uk

NewsVerse and Worse 2

Posted on April 1, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Week-ending 31st March 2012
It’s April Fools Day, it might just as well have been April Fools Week!
The panic over fuel supplies for the Easter period seems to be easing, meanwhile low levels in reservoirs in the South East have prompted a hose-pipe ban starting next Thursday.
Bosses at the Post Office have been given the green light to raise stamp prices to a level of their chosing, it must be only a matter of time before house to house deliveries are abolished and the organization suffers a fatal coronary. We are so lucky to have a wonderful postman, I fear for his future.

“Don’t panic, Captain Mainwearing,” Corporal Jones said,
there’s enough fuel for all, without losing your head.
The drivers are on overtime, to ensure supplies,
while they top up their salaries, that’s no surprise.

The turkeys at the Post Office are looking forward to Christmas,
A chance to raise stamp prices, they’ll definitely not miss.
If a stamp becomes more expensive than a Christmas card,
There’ll be a pruning of my list, that won’t be hard!
Very soon they’ll build houses without a letter box,
We’ll all use e-mail – that’ll guarantee them a loss.

We’re about to suffer a hosepipe ban here
There’s been too little water in the winter this year
But lo! What’s this, my wife with no clothes?
She’s in the garden, showering with hose!
A thousand-pound fine if watering you’re seen
Our neighbours might report her if our garden looks green!

© Baldock Bard
Just 12 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns  for its 20th season on the 14th April 2012 
www.u-boot.co.uk

Pensioner’s Perambulations: Highway Ode 5

Posted on March 31, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

The proliferation of electric scooters in our towns and cities over the last few years has been a mixed blessing. It has vastly increased the mobility of pensioners, but also the laziness of those whose obesity could do with a little light exercise. You are now possibly at greater risk of being run over inside the supermarket or on the pavement than by a bus on the street. I have had my foot driven over three times so far this year while shopping resulting in stoney glares as if it was my fault. However as with everything it is the minority that gain the publicity…

A Pensioners Perambulations

Aged-Albert stalks the pavement
Drives his four-wheeled electric-powered cart
“Youth of today should respect me”
Instead they call him an ‘effing old fart’

He pulls up outside the local shop
His horn beeps over and over
‘I fought the war on air, land and shore’
(He never went further than Dover)

On his way back home in the road
Ignores the drivers tirade
In his mind he is back, on the attack
Or leading the Victory parade

He is rude to the care-staff who tend him
Although they do what they can
They all know, despite puff and blow
In the end he’s a lonely old man

© Baldock Bard
Just 13 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns  for its 20th season on the 14th April 2012 
www.u-boot.co.uk

Fuel Guage

Posted on March 30, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

With the fuel tanker drivers threatening strike action, panic-led queues have formed at petrol stations. Due to panic buying prices have reached £1.53/litre in places. The army have been put on standby. The government, opposition and unions have been quick to exploit the situation for their own ends and are fast losing public support…

I’ve queued in some very strange places
I’ve queued for some very strange things
But sitting in a queue for a litre or two
No joy or happiness brings

Now I know tanker drivers are angry
Their pay average £45k
If there’s a spare place I’d join the race
And start to cart fuel today!

Bring home the troops from Afghanistan
To their families waiting back here
They’ll drive a truck and won’t give a f*ck
It’s safer, better paid with no fear

© Baldock Bard
Just 14 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns  for its 20th season on the 14th April 2012 
www.u-boot.co.uk

Break out the Barbecue!

Posted on March 29, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

It’s not often that you can barbecue in March. Last night we had the first of the season having dragged the griddle kicking and screaming from hibernation. The day had seen a high of over 20 degrees and this was a cause for celebration on a burger and sausage scale. So sit back, smell the fumes and enjoy my burnt offering…

March of the Barbecue

Break out the barbecue
Summer is here!
It may still be March
But we want cold beer

I found some old charcoal
Out in the shed
Along with a rat
I think it was dead

The griddle was filthy
(not put it away clean)
Industrial scraping
You know what I mean

I lit the old charcoal
Poured some fuel on
The flames reached the heavens
Now my eyebrows have gone

I sprayed on some water
To cool down the heat
Hotter than a furnace
Won’t be long ‘till we eat

On went the burgers
Sausage (no mash)
They sizzled and frizzled
Will be done in a flash

I flipped a ‘Value’ burger
I’d been a skinflint
It fell to the ground
That my Carbon footprint?

When we had eaten
Light started to slide
Barbecue heat now perfect
And we were inside!

Just 15 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns
for its 20th season on the 14th April 2012 
www.u-boot.co.uk

Putting Up Shelves!

Posted on March 28, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Today I have been putting up some shelves. Having made use of the First Aid kit when hammer met finger, it made me think just what might have happened. I hope you enjoy this silly little verse…

Putting up some shelves,
with son-in-law, John,
I fell off the kitchen chair,
I was standing on!

Then I drove a nail,
right into the wall,
had no idea,
the pipe was there at all.

Mopped up the water,
on the floor did slip,
all the spare chipboard,
is now fit for the skip.

Used some decent rawl-bolts,
drilled into the wall,
after the flash and sparks,
there’s no electricity at all

Admired our fancy handy-work,
but my wife did frown,
when we loaded the shelf with china,
the bloody thing fell down!

Now I’m in the doghouse,
until who knows when?
As for putting up more shelves,
I won’t be asked again!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns for its 20th Season
on the 14th April 2012 
www.u-boot.co.uk

Arthur, June and Rover: Highway Ode 4

Posted on March 27, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Since the demise of the Rover car company in the UK, there has been nothing to replace it as the car maker of choice for the discontented elderly driver. There are suggestions that maybe Honda has come close, but they are altogether a more reliable and sensible car and therefore not first choice for the Arthur’s of this world. Any advice on the subject would be gratefully received…

Arthur drives a Rover,
Trilby hat upon his head,
driving gloves and car coat,
his cheeks are glowing red.

He sits in the middle lane
at fifty-five no more,
“It wasn’t like this when I was young,
just before the war.”

He shouts at other drivers,
quite often he’s obscene,
“I pay my tax, I pay my rates,
I sing ‘God save the Queen.'”

June sits there beside him,
she never makes a fuss,
in a year or so his licence will go,
she’ll happily take the bus!

Cosy Suppers at No 10

Posted on March 26, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

The story surrounding the resignation of the Conservative Party co-treasurer, Peter Cruddas (following a sting by a Sunday newspaper), refuses to lie down. It’s going to be a difficult week for the Prime Minister.

Fancy a cosy supper at Number Ten?
Give £250k to the Tories then!
Before Comrade Miliband starts to glower,
remember jailed colleagues when you were in power?
It’s nothing new (or so it appears),
It’s been happening for hundreds of years.
Whether you’re Left or whether you’re Right,
The whole miserable lot can be summed up as ‘sh*te’.

The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns on the 14th April 2012
www.u-boot.co.uk

A Pensioners Perambulations Aged-Albert stalks the pavement Drives his four-wheeled electric-powered cart “Youth of today should respect me” Instead they call him an ‘effing old fart’

A Pensioners Perambulations

Aged-Albert stalks the pavement
Drives his four-wheeled electric-powered cart
“Youth of today should respect me”
Instead they call him an ‘effing old fart’