Personal Marketing!

Posted on September 5, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Friend Hazel bought me a present with my name on! She couldn’t find Baldock or Bard, so she had to make do with one of my lesser monikers. Yesterday on the tractor I drunk it! Whilst in the process I thought of how it was possibly the best marketing ploy ever…

Glug, glug, glug goes the bottle,
As I’m driving my tractor,
A smile encased, my dusty face,
Personalisation the deciding factor!

In service stations and shops,
Up and down the land,
You always see, folks like me,
With a bottle in their hand!

However the name might be wrong,
I’ve been Sue, Chantelle and Grace,
But for a while, it brings a smile,
To a strangers face!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Devil’s Cymbals!

Posted on September 4, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I’ve put away the plough for a while and attached the Cambridge Rolls to the tractor to break down the clods. Being made up of a three rows of cast-steel rings on an axle they are very noisy. I call them ‘The Devil’s Cymbals!’…

When my children were very small,
And my wife was teaching in a school.
My mother would provide Farm-Day-Care,
They’d go with her everywhere!
Before the days of ‘all’s an offence’,
Health and Safety was common sense,
So on the tractor the kids would go,
To harvest, cultivate roll or sow!
In those days when cabs were bare,
and the rear window just wasn’t there,
The noise for a child sitting on a sack,
Was more like an alien attack!
But sitting on their improvised seat,
The little darlings would fall straight to sleep!

A Blast From My Past!

Posted on September 3, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever been suddenly reminded of times past? Driving my old man to a London station yesterday I was stopped at some traffic lights in Kilburn when I spotted something that I hadn’t seen locally for years – A greengrocers shop that was so full of wonderful produce that it spilled onto the street! Perhaps there is life after stores like Tesco have killed a town and maybe the city can teach rural areas a thing or two…

When I was young and just a lad,
I’d go shopping on a Friday with my dad!
In our old grey pickup, collie in the back,
The bench seat was covered with a sack!
First we’d go to get the wages,
He’d chat to people it took ages!
Then to the supermarket, International Stores,
It was compact, with shinny floors!
The greengrocer was always the last to meet,
A tiny shop with a queue on the street.
Eric Piper was short not stout,
He reminded me of a Brussels Sprout!
All of this died some 40 years ago,
The town changed for ever, shops started to go.
So seeing a greengrocer’s fantastic display,
Took me right back to another day!

The ‘Monday-Break-it-Fairy’ is Defeated!

Posted on September 2, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Sod’s Law states that if it is going to break it will do so at the most inconsiderate time! Yesterday I arrived in the field to plough and within ten minutes had to return to the farm with a broken hydraulic pipe! The ‘Monday-Break-it-Fairy’ had seen my early-morning departure and in an effort to set me back, had done her worst…

I went a’ploughing on Monday morning,
When all of a sudden without warning,
I pulled the switch to turn over the plough,
Nothing happened what do I do now?
I tried again without success,
Used those words we use under stress!
Back to the farm after such a short while,
The ‘Monday-Break-it-Fairy’ is full of bile!
Now normally I throw odd things away,
Otherwise they clutter the store for a year and a day!
But I was in for a great surprise,
An old hydraulic pipe that was just the size!
In a very short time I effected a repair,
Told the ‘Monday-Break-it-Fairy’ to go elsewhere!

With apologies if I sent her destructive powers in your direction.

Ra…Ra…Mitsubishi!

Posted on September 1, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I have lost count of the number of cars I’ve had to jump-start at the Saturday car boot sale. This is mainly because of lights or radio left on, draining the power leaving the car immobile by leaving time. Last Saturday everyone had gone, I’d picked up the litter, returned to my trusty Mitsubishi and it grumbled: “Ra..Ra…Ra….Ra…..Ra……Ra!” Then silence. It has spent Sunday being charged. An eagle-eyed visitor asked if I’d suddenly gone green and bought an electric car…

‘Physician heal thyself’
Is how I felt Saturday,
I was left stranded in the field,
Everyone had driven away!
I asked ‘upstairs’ for Devine Help,
But alas ‘He’ was looking elsewhere,
I hurt my big toe kicking the wheel,
Which made me just howl and swear!

I rang home with a simple request,
Seeing that I was stuck,
And my wife appeared to save me,
T’was was a stroke of luck!
So now I’m off to buy a new battery,
Hoping the new one’s not flat,
And so for the foreseeable future,
At the bootsale I won’t be sat!

The Missing Keys!

Posted on August 30, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day my keys went missing. At the same time I was looking after my twenty-two-month-old granddaughter. At first I refused to believe that the two events were linked. However as time passed she became the prime suspect…

I’ve lost my keys,
Where can they be?
I’m sure I had,
Them here with me!

I came indoors,
I had them then,
I went back out,
To feed the hen!

I went upstairs,
Granddaughter to bed,
For morning nap,
and story read!

I cleared her toys,
From the floor,
Didn’t have keys,
Anymore!

Made a coffee,
Tried to think,
Even looked,
In the sink!

From the basket,
Musical noise!
She’d hidden keys,
beneath her toys!
© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October!
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Orphan Jar!

Posted on August 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you find that guests leave the most extraordinary items behind after a visit? We had some friends to stay who brought their own coffee with them as we have only full-strength on offer. When they had gone, we discovered an orphan in the kitchen…

The cases were packed,
And put in the car,
Off on their journey.
To destination far!

Back in the kitchen,
“Don’t forget me!”
A now-orphaned jar,
of decaff-coffee!

“Don’t leave me here,
Please just wait,
They don’t like my sort
I’m left to my fate!”

Then from the corner,
A small voice like her,
“Come here and join me,”
said the artificial sweet-ner!

I never complain when guests leave things behind as it means they had a good time and will be returning! (even when their host has soaked them with water! see:http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=5905)

JCB Loadall Ice Bucket Challenge!

Posted on August 27, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday evening on the farm we did an Ice Bucket Challenge. Using a JCB Loadall and bucket we took up the challenge set by a JCB dealer in the USA! It is a sign of our times that trends grow (and recede) in the flash of an eye. Who knows what will be popular next week…

Have you done an Ice Bucket Challenge,
And been soaked to the skin?
Have you then thought of others,
You’d like to see wet (with a grin!)
Last night four adventurous souls,
Stood in a field on the farm,
The JCB bucket was brimmed,
Which was rather a cause for alarm!
Suddenly the water was tumbling
As out of the bucket it poured
Thank heavens it was for charity
A complete soaking ensured!

Congratulations to Siân, Sian, Rhodri and Laura for their bravery!
To see full video, go to Facebook: Simon Holtom

The Freight Train!

Posted on August 26, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

What do you think of as you sit at a level crossing? Is your imagination at all touched by the train as it passes? The other day I sat waiting for a freight train to cross and my idiot mind ran amuck…

The long freight train goes ‘Clickety-clack’
As it winds its way down the long straight track,
Today it carries many tons of gravel,
From the quarry it will slowly travel.
I often wonder if the driver prefers,
Carrying freight as opposed to hims and hers!
There’s no need to shout “Mind the doors!”
Or put up with “Driver!” from commuter bores.
As it crossed the crossing I had to refrain,
From asking if I could drive the train!

Alternative Medicine!

Posted on August 25, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Has anyone suggested an alternative treatment to a condition you have? Perhaps someone has passed on a treatment that their grandmother swore by, like rubbing a wart-affected finger on a pig’s back on the first Tuesday of the month? I am using such a treatment with mixed results…

I woke up in the middle of the night,
A pain in my back wasn’t right.
I tried to turn without a squawk,
I was lying on a champagne cork!
Now you might think sympathy I beg,
But I’ve been getting cramp in my leg.
“Clutch a champagne cork in your sleep
Your nights rest will be complete!”
If you want your cramp to go away
Open some champagne this Bank Holiday!

Does it work?
No idea, although I awake still clutching the cork like a lifebelt from the Titanic!