Monthly Archives: April 2012

Storms over Baldock!

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Yesterday we had heavy rain for the first time in months. Thinking that our (farmer) prayers had been answered I rushed out this morning to read the rain gauge. My disappointment was complete when I discovered that not only did it show less than half an inch (11mm) but all the drains in the farmyard were blocked! So it looks like the hosepipe ban is here to stay for a few more weeks yet!

Storms over Baldock!

Yesterday’s weather brought hail and rain,
Leaking downpipes and blocked drain,
I had to find my wet-weather gear,
Hadn’t used it for over a year!

My Wellington boots behind some junk,
Contained a dead mouse, how it stunk!
My hat in the cupboard in the hall,
Seemed to now be a size too small.

The papers are full of weather this morning,
‘The wettest April’ shouts their warning,
Along with ‘must expect snow in May’,
Is the hosepipe ban really here to stay?

I took the dogs for their morning scamper,
Had clean forgot the grass was damper.
Mrs Bard shouted, she’s now ‘mighty sore’,
She’s just had to mop the kitchen floor!

I’m in two minds I must say,
As a farmer give me rain, until May.
As for Saturdays, for at least 5 hours,
Fine warm and dry, no chance of showers!

 © Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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The Nervous Passenger

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One of the many rights of passage that most of us go through is our driving test. How I remember the disaster that was my first! The Examiner, stepping out of the car with that look of horror on his face which said ‘more practice needed – much more’. I don’t think the town of Swindon ever quite recovered, I know my driving instructor was much relieved when he no longer had to attempt to teach me…

The Nervous Passenger

He buckled his seat belt
Nervously I pulled out of the parking space and onto the busy road
Keeping to the speed limit I obeyed every order
Turn left here
Turn right at the second turning
Take the second exit off the roundabout
I hadn’t seen the cyclist
My passenger became excited
Shouted “Watch Out!
The dual controls activated in seconds
I’d failed my driving test

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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The Road to Nowhere!

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I always find it strange that a single idea or incident can lead to a novel, story or, in my case, a verse! This mornings verse stems from a journey down the A1 to Stevenage (Oh the excitement of it all I hear you say, Stevenage hardly stacks up with the great cites of the world, does it?). There, hogging the middle lane was a red people-carrier of the sort named after a world-famous French artist (can you imagine how furious he’d be that there is a whole generation who have only experienced his immortality from seeing his name on the back of an ordinary production car?). Anyway this car was hogging the middle lane and as I passed I happened to glance at the frowning and slightly ginger-haired driver. I turned to Mrs Baldock Bard and said “I bet he’s a Colin.” (Here I offer my sincerest apologies if you are a fun-loving, interesting and popular Colin, can I get up from my grovelling position yet?). When we reached the shop I quickly scrawled on a scrap of paper: Colin drives a people carrier, Owns the middle lane. This lay on the floor of the car until yesterday when it was retrieved and the following verse compiled. While writing it took its own course, I hope you enjoy it…

The Road to Nowhere

Colin drives a family car,
Owns the middle lane,
Charlene sits beside him,
Thinking: ‘he’s to blame!’

She wants some real excitement,
At least some fun tonight,
She knows that when they get there,
All they’ll do is fight.

Rex and Kylee behind them,
Watching DVD’s,
They say that what’s around them,
Are boring fields and trees!

When they’re back at school,
Teacher will ask them what,
They did during their holidays,
They’ll reply with, “Not a lot!”

One mile until the services,
Charlene wants a pee,
Colin says she’s a silly bitch,
She thinks: ‘so is he!’

They pull into the car park,
The kids both complain,
They cannot leave their flat screens,
It’s started to spot with rain!

Charlene dashes to the door,
The queue is as she’d feared,
She wonders if they’d notice,
If she never reappeared!

She takes time out for coffee,
Her temper cools down far,
She even has a cup cake,
She’ll take nothing to the car!

Just then a handsome driver asks,
“Is there a seat for me?”
For a moment she’s in another world,
On leaving, say’s, “feel free!”

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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The ASBO Swan!

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If I am in a strange town or city I always buy a local newspaper to get the feel of the place. Yesterday I was in a town in Cambridgeshire and picked up a copy of the Cambridge News, a jewel of a newspaper, easy to read with many interesting and well-written articles (please send cheque to Baldock Bard c/o…!). What attracted me to the paper was the lead story of an errant swan that has been attacking people on the River Cam…
I was in the newsagents the other day
When a headline caught my eye
An ‘ASBO Swan’, in the ‘City of the Don’
It’s adventures where and why!

It’s gone from attacking rowing boats
And now attacks rowers too
But authorities say (as is their way),
There’s nothing that they can do.

They’ve carried out consultation,
And visits have caused them strife,
But they don’t know why the swan won’t go,
And find himself a wife.

People are accusing the authorities,
Of too much ‘swanning about’,
But I’ve heard they’ve been given the bird
And will blame it all on the drought!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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Potions, Pills and Calisthenics!

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I have a dear friend who, in her late fifties, is now unrecognizable due to a form of dementia. Yesterday I was interested to read a Sunday supplement entitled Health and Fitness. There must be a ‘middle way’ between those who wish to bring an Orwellian regime into our lives and those who smoke while chip-feeding their babies?
We also seem to live in a world of presentation over substance where what we look like is deemed to be more important than what we are like. This is fine if you are Kate Moss, but not so good for us mere mortals.
I wish to dedicate this verse, not only to our poorly friend but also to Avis, a centenarian butler I met when I was a child who, having eaten the best food and drunk the best wine all his days, handed me a yardstick for life: “Everything in moderation.”

Potions, Pills and Calisthenics!

What did we do before healthy eating?
However this far did we survive?
Selenium, L-Carnatine and Gogi berries,
We’re told we need them to stay alive.

We are slackers deserving punishment!
Put on the lycra, scare the cat,
Trust in Igor, the personal trainer,
The gym (the confessional) is where it’s at!

‘Verbotten’ the cry of all ‘Health Nazis’
Cigarettes on sale mustn’t be seen,
We must obey their alcohol units,
Taxes in future will pretend to be green.

Years ago I met a butler,
He had back then a rare telegram,
I asked him how he’d lived to 100,
“Everything in moderation,” said the old man.

Yes! We’re healthier, that’s beneficial,
But more now suffer in their final year,
Quality of life destroyed by dementia,
Do I want that? I’d answer “No fear!”

© Baldock Bard

*Dementia Carers (www.dementiacarers.com) – A refuge and support for those who find themselves caring for a loved one suffering from dementia in any form.

The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!


www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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Out in the Fog and Missed!

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Following a twentieth annual dose of nerves yesterday morning, Farmer Giles was much relieved when a large crowd of sellers and buyers arrived at the car boot sale. Thick fog threatened to disorientate first-timers, many who overshot the entrance, but all were eventually shown the way on their return by the vast number of others turning into the field…

First Sale of the Season!

When I arrived at the car boot sale,
Expecting rain or snow or hail,
A blanket of fog covered the site,
I couldn’t see either left or right!

The phone was hot from people ringing,
“Where’s your entrance? Please start singing!”
Just when I thought that this was fate,
The sun chased it off just after eight!

Lots of people and a smiling Jack:
“I’ve missed these sales, it’s good to be back.”
Masses of customers, plenty of booters,
More armfuls of bargains than last year’s looters!

Thomas and Carla served me bacon and tea
While munching my breakfast: “this’ll do me!”
After twenty years of ‘Opening Sale Day’
I should have known by now it would be Ok!

 © Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

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Boot Sale Saturday!

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You’ll have to forgive me (or make me suffer!). It’s five-twenty on Saturday morning and after a few hours sleep I’m off to open the first boot sale of the season. I don’t know if you remember a film called ‘Field of Dreams’ where a Kansas farmer built a baseball stadium in the middle of his maize field and sat back on the premise that ‘they will come’. Little did I realise when I watched the movie all those years ago, how prophetic these words would come to be. Each year I advertise, phone and do everything apart from running naked through the streets, in the hope that both sellers and customers ‘will come’ to the car boot sale. The worry is of course fruitless as they always do, but the thought is always there on day one… what if? Whatever you are doing and wherever you are doing it I wish for two things for you: Firstly that you are with someone you love and secondly that you have a wonderful day.

The Christmas tree has long since gone,
With hits by Slade and Yoko and John.
New Years resolution ‘Must go bicycling’
Like Easter egg packaging out for recycling.
The pasting table from the garage is found,
That with folding chair had gone to ground.
The alarm clock used on an extra day,
Say the kids from the duvet – “GO AWAY!”
Into the car at some unearthly hour,
Try to avoid the husband’s glower!
Arrive at Baldock at the light of day,
It’s time for booting – It’s Saturday!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns
 for its 20th anniversary season TODAY!

www.u-boot.co.uk

Bootphone: 07852 707 074

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A Special Duck’s Nest

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Living on a small farm and being us, we tend to name our animals and birds! It started, quite naturally with our pets, dogs and cats, but spread (to the alarm of our friends) to chickens, geese, pigeons (either Peter or Penny!) and even wild ducks! This is the story of a wild duck, her husband and a surprising, gifted and precocious child called ‘Chirpy’.

Ducky Wucky’s Nest

Ducky Wucky’s decided
She needs a safe place for her nest
She’s built it on an ivy wall
Because only she knows best

Disgraceful Darren, her husband
Is nowhere to be seen
He’s off down the pond with his mates
On nest-building he’s not keen

Three years ago about this time
(In duck-years she was thirty)
She had a shock climbing off her nest
Out popped a chick called ‘Chirpy’

Now Chirpy is a special hen
A cut above the rest
She welcomes schoolchildren to her farm
Because she knows she’s the best

We’re keeping an eye on Ducky’s nest
Hoping that it survives
Just what she’ll hatch we won’t know
Until Stanley Stork arrives!

 © Baldock Bard
Just 1 day until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns
 for its 20th anniversary season on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk
Bootphone: 07852 707 074

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Flat Screen Immortality

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Flicking through TV channels the other night I happened upon an actor I thought was long dead. I checked on Google, and sure enough he’s been gone twenty years. This led me to think that this must be immortality-lite, the new reincarnation.

Flat Screen Immortality

Has it ever occurred to you?
That TV stars don’t die?
No matter when they popped their clogs
They still turn up on Sky!
It’s a measure of your age
When you watch an oft-repeated show
You realise that before your eyes
It’s the re-incarnated Joe!
I want to be immortal!
Don’t want to die you see
My only hope (just like the Pope)
Is to appear on the BBC!

© Baldock Bard
Just 2 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns
 for its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk
Bootphone: 07852 707 074

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The Cat and the Tortoise

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I wrote this many years ago for a friend who was bravely fighting a serious illness. Her kitchen was almost unique in that she and her family shared it with no less than four tortoises and (I think!) three cats. I had completely forgotten about the verse until I came across it by accident in a dusty file hidden at the very back of my hard drive along with some pictures of me as a baby (no I’m not sharing them!), a very early e-mail and a rather furry wine gum of indeterminate age. So this was written for Sandy, I hope you like it…

 The Cat and the Tortoise

The tortoise and cat were having a chat
As they lay on the kitchen floor
“What is it that you think as a cat?
And why is it you always snore?”
The cat replied, “It can’t be denied
Food is at the forefront of thought
But when I have eaten my resolve is just beaten
And a nap is needed – just short!”

The tortoise looked sad and said it was bad
“You know people always compare
Me in a race it’s such a disgrace
It’s always won by the hare!”
“You have your fur and at least you can purr
I only grunt, snort and sigh
I shuffle around close to the ground
With a shell that looks like a pie!”

The cat was surprised that the tortoise replied
In the way that he had just done
(He’d always admired how they were attired
And the way that they needn’t run!)
He stretched out his paw (not extending a claw)
And purred the way cats can do
“I suppose in the end you just need a friend
And I’ll be that friend to you”.

© Baldock Bard
Just 3 days until the Baldock Saturday Car Boot Sale returns
 for its 20th season on the 14th April 2012

www.u-boot.co.uk
Bootphone: 07852 707 074

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