And the winner is….

Posted on February 3, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Apparently we are slap bang in the middle if the awards season. The Grammys have been, as have the Golden Globes. However the real deal is to come – the Oscars (apparently not named after a South African athlete)…

I’d like to win an award
Get up on the stage
Tearfully read out thanks to all
That would take an age
I would gracefully hurry back
To my seat at table
Fall right down the effin’ steps
On top of a girl called Mabel

I would make the news
Buried on page four
Then wake up the next morning
Exactly as before
But there on the mantelpiece
A garish piece of shmersch
Gathering dust and tarnish
A reminder of crap verse!

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The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Babysitting the Granddaughter!

Posted on February 2, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard and I have taken on one of the worlds most demanding jobs. We are baby-sitting while our daughter and son-in-law have gone skiing.
I think we’re doing it right…

Toys are scattered all over the floor,
There’s chaos everywhere,
The dog is sitting expectantly,
Under the child’s high chair!
Some of the lunch hits the target,
Most of it covers her clothes,
A yoghurt is offered for pudding,
Much of it spread on her nose!
Finally the meal is over,
A grand wipe-round with a cloth,
The menu has been a disaster,
I wish I’d given her broth!

Dolly and the Mischievous Geese!

Posted on February 1, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

My granddaughter is rather angry at the moment. Her geese have gone feral. In other words they are doing what they want, rather than being visible from a window when required. I found them yesterday in Dolly the Horse’s field, causing mischief…

Dolly the Horse has been talking,
In conference with the geese,
They told her she was the prettiest,
That she had a golden fleece!

They told her she was capable,
Anything she could do,
Could she kick over the feed bin?
So they could have oats too!

They told her she could fly,
They said ‘over the gate you go’,
She galloped off down the paddock,
Flew over the gate just so!

There was only one problem,
The geese munched all the oats,
Poor Dolly was left with no supper,
Would now rather share her field with goats!

The Bear in the Air!

Posted on January 31, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Back in the day there was an American film called Convoy. It was about a group of truckers in the States who used CB radios to keep in touch with each other. Amongst terms used in the film was: “There’s a bear in the air!” I remember thinking that we’d never see police in helicopters here in the UK. How wrong I was (about this and much more besides)…

If you look up and search the morning sky,
There’s a police ‘copter keeping an eye!
Whether you’re on foot or if in your car,
You ought to watch out, it sees from afar.
It’s not the same as having police on the ground,
But it’s money saving, as has been found!
If you have a robbery (unless you’re the Queen)
The eye in the sky is nowhere to be seen.
Here on the farm when they’re stealing your fuel,
The helicopter is missing, they’d be quicker by mule!
So don’t shout at a burglar if he threatens you in bed
‘Cos you’ll be the one caught and arrested instead!
And then you’ll go to court, “it really wasn’t fair”,
The police helicopter was the other side of Ware!
For my non-UK readers – Ware is a small town in Hertfordshire 13 miles from the Bard-Farm or 23 miles to the North East of London

The Old Blue Aga!

Posted on January 30, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Looking through a kitchen manufacturer’s brochure recently I came across their ‘Farmhouse Range.’ I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was very smart, very expensive and clinically clean, but it had neither Aga nor scruffy dog. “Sacre Blue!” (I would have said if I was a fermier,) it was just not right. Yesterday a friend rang wishing to borrow our kitchen (but not the sleeping scruffy dog!)…

A friend rang us up yesterday,
With a very strange request I have to say:
“May I come for tea and be so bold?
My heating’s bust and I’m bloody cold!”
And so she came in a very short while,
Her bum on the Aga bought forth a smile!
This monumental and ancient tool,
Can be used as a pleasant warming stool.
So if your heating ever falls apart,
Find a farmhouse to warm your heart!

We think the Aga was put in sometime in the early seventies by the father of our present ‘Aga Guru’ Duncan (newtonagaservices@sky.com). The oven is still going strong and is likely to outlast me and be passed on down through the family.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Vomiting Vicky the Cement Mixer!

Posted on January 29, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day my trusty side-kick (and son-in-law), John, bought a cement mixer on E-Bay. Yesterday we tried it out for the first time and unfortunately, despite mixing two wheelbarrow loads of concrete perfectly, it then misbehaved. So if anyone has any tips on how to deal with a drunken mixer…

The cement mixer’s just been sick,
Vomited over the yard,
It has had too much to drink,
And now knows life is hard!

Tomorrow it’ll feel unwell,
A hangover beyond compare,
It’ll hide out of sight in the shed,
And pretend to not be there!

So far it has no name,
But this won’t take so long,
Vomiting Vicky may possibly do,
But I might be wrong!

Does anybody out there give a damn?

Posted on January 28, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I went to a local town the other day and was shocked how many shops were empty since my last visit. The local council had attempted to rectify this by wrapping the windows with printing to make it look as if there was a shop there…

Does anyone shed a tear
When shops just disappear
Or the café on the corner
Is no longer there?

Does anyone really care
That so many shops are bare
Just waiting for someone
To turn them round?

Does anyone miss a beat
When there’s nothing on the street
And the only place to go
Is out of town?

Shall we be bereft
When there’s only Tesco left
Sainsbury’s Waitrose
Aldi, Lidl too?

Who knows?
Who cares?
That’s all!

Complaints about the Corridors!

Posted on January 27, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

On Sunday morning I spent nearly six hours in our local hospital’s A&E department with an aged relative. Last Wednesday I spent some hours in another hospital’s A&E. Forewarned by numerous news reports I was prepared to see a department on its knees. What I found in both cases were departments on top of their game and worthy of the highest praise. We have always known that medical staff in our hospitals give the greatest of care. I would not/could not do what they do, could you…
They’re always complaining in the media
Turning sick stories into hospital fact
Anyone can get the treatment
Why don’t we celebrate that?

They don’t ask, “Have you the cash?”
They don’t turn you away at the door,
Everyone is treated with kindness,
Nobody sleeps on the floor.

So consider the next time you’re moaning,
About what it’s like elsewhere,
And be grateful that you live here,
And the NHS is not over there!

With grateful thanks to staff at Addenbrookes Hospital, Cambridge,
and the Lister Hospital, Stevenage.

The Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over The Lazy Dog!

Posted on January 25, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Looking out of the window the other day I saw a fox meandering away from the farmyard. Rather concerned for the future health of our geese, I rushed outside and shot the fox clean between the eyes with my camera. I then went indoors and wrote this…

“Hey!”
said the fox to the dog one day,
“What are you doing lazing away?”
The dog just farted and turned over,
“You can’t blame me ‘cos I’m called Rover!”
The fox said: “I can’t believe that it’s true,
You just laze around feeling blue,
Don’t you dare tell me,‘I’d like to be thin’
You’re lucky your chicken comes in a tin!”
The dog licked a paw and made a very strange sound,
“I guess it’s back to work…
To being a fox hound!”

A Pink Surprise at the Show!

Posted on January 24, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I knew there was a purpose in going to the recent Lamma Show at Peterborough, only I didn’t realize it at the time. It wasn’t to buy the giant combine harvester (above) or the stealth-styled rubber-tracked Catterpillar (below). Looking through the many photographs I took I came across one that took my breath away and I realized fate had tapped me on the shoulder…
Someone keeps taking my wheelbarrow,
It’s old and covered in rust,
The tyre’s half inflated,
And one of the handle’s bust.
It also has a hole,
In the middle of the floor,
I really can’t understand,
Why I’ve not replaced it before!

I went along to a show,
Not sure what I was looking for,
And all at once I realized,
Was amazed at what I saw!
A perfect pink wheelbarrow,
The plastic will not bust,
Nobody will walk off with it,
Neither will it rust!

So I’m about to place my order,
I shall do it all online,
I can’t wait for delivery,
It’ll be pink and always mine!
The Big Pink Wheelbarrow (and much, much more!) can be found at:
http://www.sandersonenvironmental.com

Many congratulations to the organisers for a truly fantastic show. A special motion for the car park attendants who did their job in very difficult conditions with a smile. Here’s looking forward to Lamma ’15!