A Winter Warmer!

Posted on December 12, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day, son-in-law Bard and I went sawing wood. With great care (and an eye on the Health and Safety handbook) we used our sawbench/splitter and loaded the bucket on the JCB. The old David Brown tractor purred away on the mild December day. It was one of many warms twixt tree and fireplace and on such a mild day the sweat dripped under our protective gear…
Son-in-law John,
Sawing along,
We’re loading a bucket,
Without saying “f*ck it!”
While singing this old-fashioned song:

“How much wood,
Could a wood-cutter cut,
If a wood-cutter could cut wood?
It would be as much wood,
As a wood-cutter could,
When a wood-cutter should cut wood!”
And then went home for tea!

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The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Congestion leads to Congestion Charge!

Posted on December 11, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There is a sentence that strikes terror into the heart of anyone who rarely drives into London: “Do you think we strayed into the Congestion Charge Zone?” I had to drive into the Capital recently to take an aged relative to the train and was beset by congestion. Luckily one of my travelling companions, Tom-Twice, had found a new route that despite severe congestion, was marginally quicker. Keeping my wits around me and concentrating on the traffic, I reached the station just in time. Mrs Bard then uttered those fateful words, “Do you think we breached the Congestion Charge Zone while we were in all that Congestion?” I rang Transport For London to check. However as with many civil contractors they were less than civil and suggested I wait for the postman to find out (and pay an increased fine of £65 rather than £8)…

I rang the hotline, to see if a fine,
Was owing for me to pay,
Had foray I’d made,
Into Congestion Zone strayed,
Could they please tell me if ‘yay?’

“I’m sorry Sir, she said with a burr,
I’m not at liberty to say,
You’ll just have to wait,
For a future date,
An increased penalty will find you that day”

I tried to plea, to see if she’d see,
Congestion had forced me to stray,
The traffic backed up,
My journey was fluffed,
Was late to Paddington that way!

They don’t give a damn, if car or a van,
Cos when they’ve got you, that’s it!
So I paid the damn fine,
And published this line,
TFL – you make me spit!

Apparently revenue raised has to go towards transport improvements in the Capital. Well I’ve got news for you Boris! You must be wasting it, because traffic flow was a joke when you stung me for £65… Someone suggested I should consider buying a petrol/electric Pious to avoid the charge altogether, although what it would think to being forced to drive across fields I have no idea!

Bringing Outside Inside (how to confuse a terrier!)

Posted on December 10, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Over the weekend Mrs Bard and I went to buy a Christmas tree. While we moved the furniture we left the tree outside. We hadn’t told our terrier who took fright at the plastic wrapped tree and barked at it. Later on we confused the poor dog further by bringing the tree into the house…

The terrier looked at his owner and said:
“Is there something seriously wrong with your head?
Behind the house is woodland that’s yours,
Yet you buy a tree and bring it indoors!”

“Then you dress it all over with tinsel and balls,
And shout when I play with any that falls!
You fetch out some lights then swear as they fail,
It’s back to the shop, shame there’s no sale!”

“At last it is finished, you sit on the settee,
With a large glass of wine as proud as can be.
Within half an hour you suddenly swear,
When I cock my leg on the tree trunk that’s there!”

“I’m thrown out of the room
For ‘arbiratory pissing’
But you’ve failed to notice…
…how many chocolates are missing!”

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

And They’re Off (Losing each way!)

Posted on December 9, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Speaking to my Godmother on the phone the other evening, she proudly announced that she’d won part of a horse in a draw. Not wishing to mention Tesco or ‘beef’ pies, I simply congratulated her. How much of the horse she now owned wasn’t divulged, but it sounded like possibly less than a hoof! When she mentioned its name and that it was running at Plumcanton (or similar!) I couldn’t resist an amateur each-way wager…

My Godmother won,
Part of a horse,
A horse bred for racing,
Not pies of course!
She told me its name,
And I was excited,
So I backed it each way,
Was highly delighted.
It couldn’t lose,
Because of the name,
All horses to me,
Look just the same.
“And they are off!”
Yelled a commentator,
My mind on the winnings,
I’d collect later!
It was pipped to the post,
Wouldn’t you know it?
What was its name?
The Snappy Poet!

With grateful thanks to At The Races for the ability to watch the race.
At The Races is available on Sky Channel 415

Joey the Wood-Carrier!

Posted on December 7, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

My one-year, two-month-old granddaughter has a new boyfriend! Now before you cry fowl, it is at her instigation and despite offering him her precious monkey’s tail (which she sucks, is rancid and thankfully not normally offered), Joey (as we’ll call him!) is totally innocent of any wrong-doing. He lives in New York and is a model. However ladies, he is unique, not only is he easy on the eye and remarkably good company, but he carries and fetches as well (especially wood!)…
The ladies of the village,
Fell into a swoon,
When Joey (who’s a model),
Walked into the room.

He was soon surrounded,
By ladies of all ages,
Clucking and a coo-ing,
More than they do for babies!

Was I at all jealous?
As green-eyed monster can?
No, not a bit of it,
He’s a lovely caring man!

Some day when he’s famous,
As I’m sure he’ll be,
He’ll be welcomed back to the village,
By the ladies, granddaughter, and me!
Joey is off back to New York shortly, North Hertfordshire will miss him!
Visit again soon and Bon Voyage.

There Goes A Man Passing By!

Posted on December 6, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Of all the millions of words spoken about Nelson Mandela in the last 24hrs, the following are some of the most heartfelt and stirring. I have no idea who wrote these words, but all I can say is that I wish they were mine…

Quiet, brothers.
There goes a man passing by,
he waves farewell
And it’s the last.
There is only one like him,
Note him well.

ANON

We all have our ‘Mandela’ stories, this is mine!
As Nelson Mandela was being released from jail, I was kneeling in cow muck with a Channel Four news crew, trying to keep a calf from deserting the shot while attempting to explain the complex issues surrounding EEC farm policy! I could feel the warm poo soaking through my trousers. After three hours the crew called it a day and returned to London with the passing comment, “It’ll be on tonight at seven.” Needless to say I was upstaged that evening by Nelson Mandela, something I didn’t begrudge in the slightest. The trousers never recovered their ordeal and ended up on a scarecrow, I ended up on the cutting room floor and as for Nelson Mandela, the rest is history!

The Instructive Farm Walk (windy times down on the farm!)

Posted on December 6, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday morning, Son-in-law Bard and I went on a farm walk on somebody else’s farm. While you may think that this was simply a pleasant stroll in the rolling hills of North Hertfordshire followed by a spot of lunch, please step away from the presumption. This was a fascinating walk, observing another farmer’s methods along with experts. One expert (bad cop!) warned us of the penalties available from non-compliance of rules invented by Europe and gold-plated in London. The other (good cop) waxed lyrical about the added-value of conservation for the land, the beast and the bug. Now, before you think I’m being cynical, we have large areas of the farm dedicated to just this, so in some ways she was preaching to the choir. However you are never too old or too ugly to learn, so I hung onto every word (especially the warnings of financial penalties!)…
Thirty farmers went out on a walk,
To listen to advice and a cautionary talk.
Wearing wellies, coats and hats,
Flapping and walking like wax-clothed bats!

Storm force wind from the North West,
While we were told what bees like best!
Pollen and nectar margins are good,
For bees and bugs and beetles you should!

The dates when fertilizer, spread it you can,
Have been decided by desk-bound man.
You must keep the spread from a water-course,
Spread only so much from a sheep, cow, or horse!

Plant winter seed to feed wild bird,
To only plant millet would be quite absurd,
Add wild radish, mustard and kale,
The birds will be happy, you cannot fail.

Make sure you spray at recommended times,
Or you’ll be subject to varying fines!
Be aware of LERAPS, it’s a great solution,
If you wish to avoid prosecution.

Plant beetle banks to keep them alive,
Will also help your crops to thrive.
Other insects will become your friend,
And lessen the amount of chemical spend.

Don’t forget the NVZ,
Non-compliance, Bang! You’re dead!
Then of course there’s Cross-Compliance,
A multi-use tool (or fine-making appliance!),

But as one old farmer said to me,
Be better make profit from growing you see,
“Nobody cares about food anymore,
What we need now is a bloody good war!”
With thanks to all involved in the morning’s session at Bennington especially ‘Good Cop’ and ‘Bad Cop’ for making sense of much that befuddled me.
Glossary of Terms:
LERAPS: Local Environment Risk Assesment for Pesticides
NVZ: Nitrogen Vulnerable Zones
CROSS COMPLIANCE: A requirement for farmers to comply with a set of Statutory Management Requirements (SMRs) and keep their land in Good Agricultural and Environment Condition (GAEC) in order to qualify for Single Payment Scheme (SPS) and other direct payments.

Gap Fortnight Shame!

Posted on December 5, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

When I left college in 1975, having studied on a short ‘How to be a Farmer’ course, I took time off. Back then the gap year hadn’t been invented apart from a hippy trail to Marrakesh (but nobody in the farming circle knew anyone as ‘daring’ to be that adventurous). A very short tour was all that was allowed between education and work – in my case a fortnight crammed in before harvest! Yesterday I found my diary from that fortnight and it resurrected a memory of which I’m not proud…

I went touring France with a friend from college,
In desperate search of some Gallic knowledge.
We drove around France in his mother’s small car,
Looking at cattle to prove ‘farmers we are!’
We thought we were clever, thought we were cool,
Looking back now, I was simply a fool.
Driving around in unseasonal rain,
I’d seen enough cattle, never again!
I did something that, funny at the time,
But now in hindsight, seems more like a crime.
Driving through a village, floods everywhere,
A man sweeping water, soon had a look of despair.
By driving the car on the side of the street,
We drove through some water that was really quite deep.
The man looked up, too late to take action,
Was showered in water, no time for reaction.
I wonder if he reminisces about those wet days,
When he shook his fist and shouted ‘Anglais!’

Postscript: I always thought the village where this incident took place was called ‘Fresnog Le Grande’. It was only yesterday, thanks to Google, that I realised how bad my spelling was back then! It should have been ‘Fresnoy Le Grande’. A very pretty old-fashioned village in the Picardy region.
© Baldock Bard 2013
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The Foaming Floating Kindle!

Posted on December 4, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Mrs Bard despairs of me often and can be heard calling me a pillock (an ancient British term of endearment I think!). Last night I lay in the bath reading my Kindle. I had returned to a favoured part of a book written by Ben Hatch. In the chosen section, desperate Home Secretary Teresa May, steals the scene along with a filthy turtle cage. On previous occasions it had made me chuckle, this time it produced full-blown laughter! This merriment was silenced when my beloved Kindle decided to join me in the warm waters…

I lay in the bath before a meeting,
Using toes on taps to adjust the heating.
Holding my Kindle above the foam,
Was a foolhardy move I should have known.
I started to laugh at author Ben Hatch,
When the Kindle slipped and made a splash!
Uttering words a-plenty that I didn’t ought-a,
I fished the poor Kindle out of the water.
It coughed and spluttered didn’t seem right,
But at least there were words and the beaming light!
I went off to chair the Parish Meeting,
With the reader drying on the central heating.
So read Ben Hatch if you want a good laugh,
But I would suggest you keep clear of the bath!

Postscript: The Kindle is out of intensive care, is fully dry and has been awarded its Bronze swimming badge!
The P45 Diaries by Ben Hatch are available on Amazon

The Future Face of Costume Drama!

Posted on December 3, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The spectacle of an epic costume drama on our screens is under threat. So prevalent are regulations, that in future all such productions will require all actors to wear fluorescent costumes and safety considerations will far outweigh any dramatic content…

The Downton of the future,
Will be the safest costume drama,
As all the staff,
Not allowed to laugh,
A fluorescent panorama!

‘Elf and Safety rules the set,
The producer’s bound in chains,
They have to cut,
The set to shut,
If it ever rains!

The lady of the house,
Has shown the crew her drawers,
She says, “Well,”
“This shoot is hell,”
Because of polished floors!

The gardeners in reflective gear,
Have ruined the latest scene,
You can see,
Behind a tree,
Them waiting for the Queen!

Jenkins the Butler wears armbands,
He never learnt to swim,
There’s a lake,
In tomorrows take,
Drowning chances slim!

A Rolls Royce pulls up outside,
A lord has come for tea,
It can’t be hot,
Not in the plot,
It tastes just like cold pee!

The director’s had a breakdown,
Face is pale and pasty,
In a darkened room,
Like the womb,
Because of Health and Safety!