Mind Stripped Bear!

Posted on March 15, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you ever have those moments where you half-remember a gem of knowledge? The other day I was talking to a friend and was relating something I’d read, when, in the middle of the sentence, my mind went blank. This was not just a ‘Senior Moment’, but a wild-cat strike by the few brain cells I have left. They stood huddled around a brazier just outside the empty brain in a silent protest. Ever since I have tried to recall any small useful pieces of information and commit them to file, to avoid such walk-outs in the future. However I’m not sure that I have collected much that is of any use…

Didn’t I once read somewhere…?
How to avoid being savaged by a bear.
Offer your book (hoping he likes Rock-lit),
Failing that, tempt him with chocolate!

Didn’t I once read somewhere…?
That Queen Elizabeth the First had no hair,
Francis Drake gave her syrup of figs,
He told her it helped with her numerous wigs!

Didn’t I once read somewhere…?
That farmer’s do nothing but despair,
It’s not true I’m bound to say,
Except for when we’re making hay!

Didn’t I once read somewhere…?
That kids today don’t think it’s fair,
Learning at school is so yesterday,
There’s only a need on computer to play!

Didn’t I once read somewhere…?
That sheep eat less than a grazing hare,
I realise that this could make you frown,
Because this information’s useless in town!

Didn’t I once read somewhere…?
In Russia, in ice, they swim totally bare!
Just the thought and I feel cold,
It must be the vodka that makes them bold!

Didn’t I once read somewhere…?
That books have had it, I don’t care!
I’m past it, gone, a dinosaur,
You know what? I don’t care any more!

The Feb-March Man-Flu Virus!

Posted on March 14, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

This is a bad time of year for illness. The temperature change from day to day leads to confusion of the body. One day it has the internal thermostat set for winter, the next it is time to break out the shorts. I am sitting in my office feeling sorry for myself. Well, to be truthful, I feel terrible. If it were a self-inflicted alcohol-related illness I’d man up, however it is much worse. I’ve been cruelly struck down with the dreaded ‘Man Flu’…

My throat is sore,
My head does spin,
You’ve no idea,
The state I’m in!

My knees are weak,
My back is sore,
I’ve never felt,
This bad before!

My teeth are aching,
My mood is blue,
My wife says,
I’ve got Man Flu!

My voice is croaky,
My throat all red,
I cannot speak,
That’s enough said!

We’ve got two children,
Daughter and son,
My wife gave birth,
Or we’d have none!

There is no cure,
I’ve heard some say,
My heart is beating,
So I must be Ok!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Del Boy’s Uncle Albert!

Posted on March 13, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever seen a famous person in your local town? Last week I was crossing the car park in Baldock and was so surprised to see who was driving an MGB, that I was almost run over! I have no idea if it was him, or even if he’s still alive, but I just had to take the photo for you to see (otherwise you’d never believe me!)…

Uncle Albert drives a soft-top
There’s not room for Del in there,
I’m fairly certain it was him,
Daz-white beard and snow-white hair!

But then I went and spoilt the illusion,
Looked it up on Google, see!
The actor died in ’99,
So now his brother drives his MGB!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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The Cull

Posted on March 12, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

According to media reports, experts have called for the culling of up to a million deer. I see deer every day and it is a sight I love. They run wacky races, play tag and hop, skip and jump, all in front of my kitchen window. They are the most graceful and fun-loving of creatures.
As a farmer, my unwritten contract with you all, whether vegetarian or meat-eating, is to feed as many of you as is humanly possible from the acreage I farm. This is done whilst also taking care of our countryside for future generations. Unfortunately, the damage done to the crops by herds of deer that often number 100+, can be catastrophic. Many breeds were introduced by nobility in the nineteenth century and therefore have no natural predator to control numbers.
I accept that some culling has to take place. Here on the farm, we have an expert shot who (very selectively) culls deer that are then used for meat. I have, however, heard horror stories of skill-less rifle-carriers, blasting away at any deer that falls within their sights without care or respect for their prey. This must be avoided at all costs.

Meanwhile, hardly a week goes by without another carcass lying on the side of the road which dissects the farm, following a collision with a truck or car. This is the visible side of a population explosion that arguably has its roots in the shooting ban imposed during the last foot-and-mouth disease outbreak.
It is right for everyone to join in the debate. But it must be remembered that most of you aren’t the ones who pull the trigger. Talk is cheap and emotions are high, but for the sake of the deer we must look at the problem with both compassion and reality.
.

There are experts talking

of a massed cull.
Unfortunately
not of so-called
experts
but of deer.

There has been much emphasis placed
on the deer’s ability to destroy
wild flowers and
undergrowth
in woodland.
What about the damage
to crops grown
to feed us?

The greater debate
should be the role
of food in society.

Until there is
no ham in Sandwich,
a lack of eggs in Egham,
and hunger in Hungerford,
the population
will not appreciate
the importance of food
for survival.

There is no nourishment
to be found
in the latest tablet or smart phone.
Even the most advanced app
lacks the ability to sustain life.

So lets talk with sense,
and realism,
leaving Bambi
to Blu-ray
and DVD.
Top picture shows the view from my kitchen window yesterday morning, the bottom picture a small herd on my wheat.

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The Hattie Hooker Hat!

Posted on March 11, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I always like to buy imaginative gifts (although I don’t often succeed!). In early December I spotted an imaginative Christmas present for Son-in-law Bard. I was searching the trading site Etsy (http://www.etsy.com) when there it was! Unfortunately the rest of the world had the same idea, and despite her best intentions, demand meant that the Hattie Hooker (www.hattiehooker.com), was unable to deliver in time for the festive season. The present arrived last week and Son-in-law Bard seemed well pleased…

I bought Son-in-law Bard a hat,
That I’d seen on line.
It didn’t come for Christmas,
But no, I didn’t whine!
The postman arrived the other day
to deliver an impressive pack
All the way from the USA
I wasn’t sending it back!

So now he looks like a knight of old
At least his ears won’t be getting cold!
© Baldock Bard 2013
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The Youngest Farmer!

Posted on March 10, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

To grandparents, grandchildren are the most beautiful and gifted children on earth (even if they’re not!). Evolution has made sure that only the best talents and traits are passed down through the generations. I know it’s true, ask any grandparent! They will never be slow to point out where the finest attributes come from and will modestly reply “me of course!” So when my granddaughter arrived dressed for the farm the other morning, it was obvious (to me), where such fashion-consciousness stemmed from…

My granddaughter is a farmer,
She wears a farmer’s cap!
She has tractors on her sleep-suit,
Owns a terrier and a cat!
Her daddy drives a tractor,
She waves when he goes by!
If she ever works in an office,
Then maybe pigs might fly!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Dolly’s Proud of her Mummy!

Posted on March 9, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There was great excitement amongst the animals on the farm. On Friday a very excited Dolly the Horse rushed up to me to tell me the good news: Charlotte (her mummy!) was not only celebrating a birthday (Dolly was hoping for cake!), but also had also passed her HGV Lorry Test with flying colours. Now all the animals are looking forward to outings! Unfortunately there seemed to be a distinct lack of cake…

Dolly’s proud of her Mummy,
She’s passed her lorry test.
Just in time for Mother’s Day,
Dolly says that she’s the best!
Dolly wants an outing,
To a local show.
She’ll badger her Mummy constantly,
And then she’ll get to go!
Rosettes for her collection,
She will win (of course)!
But there again you must know,
She’s a very talented horse!

So if you see a lorry,
Coming from the farm with wheat,
Don’t be surprised,
Believe your eyes,
Dolly’s in the driver’s seat!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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The Skype Grandma

Posted on March 8, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

In a recent survey, it was suggested that more and more of us are living out our years alone. In many cases, due to family break-ups, families are living further and further apart. I consider myself so very lucky to see my granddaughter very often, however I always spare a thought for the ‘Skype Grandparents’ who aren’t so blessed.

She sits at the bus stop alone,
Wears a hat she once bought in Rome!
Her shopping’s been done,
Meals just for one,
And tins for the cat left at home!

Her husband has been gone for years,
She worked for one of the peers.
It was only on vacation,
She didn’t go to the station,
On retirement she shed many tears.

She did the best for her daughter,
(perhaps rather more than she ought’a).
As soon as she was able,
She bolted the stable,
A young man from abroad had caught her!

Her daughter has moved far away,
Too far to just go and stay.
She’s ‘Skype-Granny Rose’,
And her sorrow grows,
She’ll never see the baby at play.

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Racing Farmers!

Posted on March 7, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There are a number of famous motor races that include racing at night, Le Mans being the most well-known. Less renowned is the annual race when farmers are busy planting crops in the Spring. In this race the rival is the weather. For a few, bragging rights, over other less-fortunate farmers, are sometimes seen as a bonus…
In the dark the tractors work
Racing to beat the rain
When it starts it may not stop
Like last year again?
The drill is planting bean seed
The rolls follow on behind
They’ve been on the go since 7am
In Spring that’s what you find!
Late at night the world is still
The tractors in the barn are found!
Empty bags of seed as well
The contents in the ground!
Todays verse is dedicated to the memory of local farmer Peter Hughes who died last week. Peter enjoyed telling a good story and was a wonderful raconteur. He was a contented farmer who loved the land and his community, serving for more years than can be counted on his local Parish Council. Wherever Peter went, laughter was never far behind. One of his famous quotes resides in my file of quotes: When speaking about an Uncle Morton who was a shepherd who never said much, he added: “Take more than a bright star and a second coming to get him going!”
Rest in Peace.

© Baldock Bard 2013
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The Versemonger!

Posted on March 6, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I had just parked my car in Baldock when a novel idea struck me: a shop where people can buy poetry as easily as a joint of beef or bag of sweets! What is wrong with the Butcher, the Baker and now the Verse-maker! I could sit in the shop and write verse all day, every day (except when popping out for cakes and sweets!) until I become too fat to move. #Getbackinyourboxreality…

Good Morning Mrs Jones,
What is it that you’d like?
I’ve some fresh Sonnets in,
And Rhymes that sound alright!

The Haiku’s seem a little short,
They’re fresh in from Japan,
We’ve Carpe Deum just for today,
And Epitaphs with life span

The Doggerel is out of season,
Couplets come in pairs,
Burlesque shakes a shapely leg,
With Epic under the stairs!

Let me put that in a bag,
Today’s Verse can’t get younger!
Look forward to seeing you back tomorrow,
At Baldock’s finest Versemonger!
© Baldock Bard 2013
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