The Loneliness of an Innocent at the Trade Counter!

Posted on February 3, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever been to a trade counter? It is a sacred place manned by the secretive for the sole benefit of the initiated. Woe betide you, if, as a member of the public, you fail to know exactly the name, dimension or precise use of what you seek. Things are getting better with the advent of help-desks in stores to which the public are welcomed, but there are still a few bastions of secrecy left…

The loneliest place on earth,
Is the trade sales counter,
When you’re not sure what you need,
It’s a very brief encounter!

They talk a different language,
In which you need initiation.
If you don’t own a white van,
There’ll be no explanation!

“I want a piece of piping,
That delivers water that’s hot.
I think it’s about this long,
Or maybe it is not!”

The store man looked and sneered:
“I really can’t help you,
I think that you’d probably be better,
Going to B&Q!”

© Baldock Bard 2013
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The Agricultural Conga Line!

Posted on February 2, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

There is one thing above all else that irritates me regarding my fellow tractor drivers. It is their inability to pull in to let traffic pass. They drive for miles, seemingly oblivious to the line of traffic stretching into the distance behind them. The greatest exponents of this ‘let’s piss off the public’ game can be the large contractor, often with a base miles away, who can behave as if they own the road…

Let’s play the Tractor Conga,
The queues are getting longer!
I’m in the way,
Join my queue today!

Let’s play the Tractor Conga,
I know that it’s wrong-ga!
They cannot pass
I won’t go on the grass!

Let’s play the Tractor Conga,
I like to sing along-ga!
Drivers in a bate,
Now they’re running late!

Let’s play the Tractor Conga,
Join me in my song-ga!
Bring a tractor too,
And you can join my queue!

Let’s play the Tractor Conga,
Etc….(ad nausium)

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Ode! To Sell – 5G Next Generation!

Posted on February 1, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I went to a well-known baby-supply shop the other day. They were fresh out of babies but had all the accessories. I was particularly struck by ‘Babies First Mobile’ and the skeptical side of me became boisterous and wouldn’t lie down for a nap…

Roll up! Roll up!
It’s the greatest show on earth,
Get baby a toy phone,
Who knows what she’ll be worth?

Get her used to pressing buttons,
A jolly tune will play,
And very soon a different tune,
Profits will come our way!

Pay as you go or contract,
They both will have a worth,
In the end the bill will make her ill
And we’ll be filled with mirth!

And then we’ll sell baby laptops,
Hear those till-rolls talk,
As they wail another sale,
A tablet before they walk!
© Baldock Bard 2013
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The Very Pleasant Plucker!

Posted on January 31, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I was sitting in the garage plucking pheasants and letting my mind wander. I started to attempt to recite an old country verse with little success! There was only one thing for it, grab a pen and write my own version…

I’m not a pheasant plucker,
I’m just sitting on this chair,
Plucking at this pheasant,
With feathers everywhere!

I’m not an Ice Road Trucker,
I’m an Ice Road Trucker fan,
I pretend I truck the Arctic,
Down to Baldock in my van!

I’m not an antiques expert,
At an auction for a Grand,
I’ve bought so much by mistake,
I’m sitting on my hand!

I’m not a proper poet,
I’m just writing words in rhyme,
A sonnet here? Limericks appear!
I do it all the time!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Baldock Station

Posted on January 30, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Sometimes I drive through Baldock during the rush hour. At this time I feel nothing but pity for those rushing to or from the station. Thankfully we are all different. I would hate to commute and consider myself extraordinarily lucky that I don’t have to take the train every morning…

Down at the station they rush for the train,
Don’t seem to notice it’s pouring with rain.
Into the carriage with much stamp of feet,
Most of them standing without gaining a seat.
Packed in like cattle (would anger the law,
For cattle must be able to at least see the floor!)
And so it continues with little respite,
Away in the morning and home every night.
And then, oh what bliss, two weeks away,
Crowded on some beach on their holiday!

But oh what joy when I board the train.
The station is empty; their loss is my gain!
I sit in a seat and stretch out my feet,
I wouldn’t do their job for ten thousand a week!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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Online Wine

Posted on January 29, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I have to admit I’m not a great drinker. Many years ago, when I was young (and cars were preceded by a man with a red flag), I got very drunk on cheap red wine in a Greek restaurant in London. As a result I spent the night regretting it with one leg hanging out of the bed to steady me! Last week I ordered a case of wine online and had to check it was drinkable…

I bought a case of wine from the internet,
I’d had it once before,
I liked it better the second time,
I woke up on the floor!

My head felt like concrete,
My arms were a bit like lead,
My knees were stiff as if welded,
I couldn’t get into bed!

My arms encircled my darling,
My mind was blurry with grog,
She kissed me with all passion,
I woke up kissed by the dog!

The moral of this tale is simple,
You don’t need to see it in rhyme,
Get your wine from a local retailer,
But buy it one at a time!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
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The Problem Solving Toaster!

Posted on January 28, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

The greatest of all comfort food, in my experience, is toast. It is versatile, nourishing and can be used at any time with any topping from meat to sweet! However everyone likes their toast toasted slightly differently: some like it just crisp whereas others like it almost cremated. There were differences in our household until we found the answer – a four-slice toaster with dual controls. I should have known better…

We bought a four-slice toaster,
With side-by-side dual controls.
It would cope with sliced or cut bread,
Bagels, Melba or rolls!

My side was set on a five-plus,
Mrs Bard’s just a tad over four.
The difference it made was enormous,
A ten out of ten was the score!

One day I rushed when it popped up,
To discover much to my shock.
One of my toasts was still white bread,
Whilst the other was as black as my sock!

We’d bought it on line at a discount,
Cheaper than our local store,
I e-mailed to ask about warrantee,
It had expired just two weeks before!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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The Golden Rabbit!

Posted on January 27, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I love chocolate. However while shopping last week with Mrs Bard I noticed a rather large rabbit staring at me from the top shelf of a special Easter aisle. No matter where I looked it stared back at me with pleading eyes. It was only following a hefty kick in the shins that I was able to tear myself away from the purchasing opportunity…

The Chocolate Rabbit is after you,
It has fixed you with its eyes,
It stares down from the top shelf,
All children are hypnotized!

“Buy me! Buy me! Buy me!
Look at me and you’re mine,
You can take me home and eat me!
Only Thirty-five ninety-nine!”

*N.B. The Lindt Gold Bunny is also available in many sizes at all leading supermarkets as is a large selection of Easter Eggs to suit every pocket or size of child (from 1 year to 99 and beyond – serving suggestion only).

© Baldock Bard 2013
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The Log Burner!

Posted on January 26, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

I have a friend who is new to the delights of a log burning stove. Recently he stacked some logs next to it. He discovered later that it was possibly not the best idea he’d ever had. I have to admit at this point that I have been known, more than once, to have invited the attendance of a big red truck with blue flashing lights to a chimney in the house (I haven’t suddenly come over all self-righteous but had to admit that before you all heard it from Paul the fireman!). So rather than throw stones in my glasshouse I’ll be using the first person to spare his blushes…

I chopped some logs, my brow I did mop,
My sharpened axe, chop, chop, chop!
I stacked the logs behind the shed.
By this time my face was red!

I carried some in, walked (not drove),
Stacked them by my wood-burning stove!
Later that night I went to bed.
“Can I smell burning?” to my wife I said!

I went downstairs, there by the pyre,
The wood I’d carried, glowing with fire!
Out through the door, naked, I threw,
Smouldering logs into the night-time dew!

If you saw me, please, stifle a yawn,
That explains the burnt patch out on the lawn!

The moral of the tale is this:
A hot log-burner may be bliss.
But just make sure,
Whatever you do,
Stack the logs well away,
From a very hot flue!

© Baldock Bard 2013
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
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Two Feet of Snow!

Posted on January 25, 2013 by The Baldock Bard.

Ok! I surrender. I’ve had enough, game over – the snow can leave now! There is an old saying that says snow hangs around waiting for more and the forecast suggests this is correct. They also suggest that there will then be a dramatic rise in temperatures and a fast thaw. Knowing the stupidity at large in this country, this will probably be followed by a health and safety alert and a hose-pipe ban…

Two feet of snow,
Two feet of snow,
Why they’re so cold,
I don’t know!

Just popped out,
To feed the hens,
I hope this weather,
Soon quickly ends!

Water frozen,
Pipe is burst,
In this weather,
Nothing worse!

We’re due a thaw,
Warmer bloods,
Next we’ll complain,
About bloody floods!

© Baldock Bard 2013
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