A Very Naughty Dog!

Posted on May 28, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Some friends came to stay at the weekend bringing their two children and their dog: all very well behaved until it came time to leave. The children and husband got straight into the car when told to, but their dog decided to play up. The more frustrated the mother became, the more the dog stayed just out of reach…

It had been a sunny and pleasant weekend,
Everyone had enjoyed their time no end,
But now when it came time to leave,
Purdey the Lurcher disagreed.

She dodged to the left,
She dodged to the right,
Ran round in circles,
Ran out of sight.

Mother and dog have been to be trained,
As the dog misbehaved tempers were strained,
“That dog is so clever”, grinned a spectator,
“It goes round in circles like a rotator!”

“Get into the car,” shouted the mother,
(Daughter leapt in along with her brother),
“We’re leaving now, to avoid the fog,
Looks like you now own a very bad dog!”

The husband remarked: “this is for real!”
Calmly got out from behind the wheel,
“Sit there Purdey” there was no plead,
And calmly attached the dogs leather lead!

The dog was caught, the panic removed,
To make enough space luggage was moved,
And so they left, the dog in disgrace,
Grinning through the back window, a ‘not sorry’ face!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday!
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

Disappearing Haunts!

Posted on May 25, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

One of my earliest childhood memories is shopping with my father on a Friday morning. We would leave the farm in our ancient grey Austin pickup and with sheepdog leaping from side to side in the back, head into the local town of Baldock. First stop was always the bank to collect the farm wages. Next came the small supermarket next door armed with my mother’s shopping list and finally we’d move on to Chapman’s butchers shop.
This evening, the Chapman family will close the door of their old butchers shop for the last time after sixty-five years and silence will prevail. Gone for good will be the Saturday morning and Christmas queues with the craning of necks to get a glimpse of the front. Missing will be the collection of African banknotes on the wall, the ever-larger denomination charting the decline of the home economies of biltong and boerewors-buying customers. The small opening in the office window where once cash was passed through to a cashier, will be lost for good having long since been replaced by a chip and pin card reader.
Possibly most missed will be those sounds we only notice when silence takes their place: the hum of friendly chatter, the ‘slish-slish-slish’ of knife on sharpening steel, the unique echoing bang of the heavy butchers knife as it chops down on the wooden block and the familiar unique sounds of not just the entrance door but also the strange clack of the heavy chill-room door, as it slams shut for the last time.
However Baldock is not about to join the ever-growing list of towns where the impersonal, bland and bullying supermarket has the residents all to itself. With the daring-do and fortitude beloved of our island race, the Chapman family is opening new and larger premises on the High Street.

Tomorrow morning at midday, famous chef, countryside campaigner, author and raconteur, Clarissa Dickson Wright will declare the new shop ‘open’.
Yesterday evening I had a sneak preview with David, grandson of founder Charlie Chapman, and I have to say that it is most impressive.
There is enough stainless-steel and gleaming tiles to satisfy even the most ardent health inspector, the bespoke lighting gives a bright and airy feel and the layout of the large sparkling-clean glass counters is both modern, clean and perfect for displaying the quality produce that has become the Chapman family’s hallmark.

In time the new shop will reveal its idiosyncrasies but I can’t help feeling a little mournful at the slipping away of yet another childhood haunt.

To Bob, Eileen, David and Philip Chapman, I wish all the very best of luck.
http://facebook.com/chapmansbutchers

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues on Saturday!
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

Bad Breath!

Posted on May 24, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

While looking for a stock photo for the website I suddenly realised that I hadn’t seen one of my regular buyers for a couple of years. I asked around. This is his tale although I have changed his name to protect the guilty…

Pete’s got a hangover,
Been out on the ale.
The following morning,
To the boot sale.

Pete feels a bit sick,
Pete’s looking pale.
He’s keeping quiet,
At the boot sale.

Pete’s in a stupor,
Pete looks at stalls,
Purchased three spanners,
And two power tools.

Pete’s had enough,
He’s walked and fed,
Feeling quite fragile,
Pete’s off home to bed!

Pete crashed his car,
The police were called,
In front of the magistrate,
Pete was now hauled.

Pete is now banned,
“Breathalyzer lied”
Pete’s very lucky,
Nobody died.

Pete’s disappeared,
Not seen at all,
Being a drunk driver,
Is really not cool.

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues on Saturday! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

Plumbing Nightmare!

Posted on May 23, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Have you ever felt that events were running away from you? The day before yesterday we had a leak from a water pipe in the bathroom. While attempting to solve the problem everything seemed to get out of hand to such a level that there was only one course of action, lay back in the bath and consider the situation…

While running my bath there came a dreadful scream,
Was more blood-curdling than a Hitchcock dream.
I rushed downstairs just wrapped in a towel,
A sight guaranteed to make a werewolf howl!
“You’ve over-run the bath you are a silly fool!”
Shouted Mrs Bard as she perched on a stool.
Water was dripping from the kitchen ceiling,
I suddenly felt alarmed and had a sinking feeling.
I knew that the bath was still in need of more,
Must be a leaking pipe underneath the floor.
I rushed to the stopcock to try to stem the flow,
Damn thing was seized was typical you know.
Ran to the garage thanking heavens it was night,
Showed the neighbours everything forgot the sensor light!
With an enormous spanner I stemmed the tidal flow,
Mrs Bard was angry “I really need to go!”
After having told her to only have one flush,
I thought of filling up my bath and upstairs I did rush.
The bath looked so inviting not about to overflow,
Seemed a shame to waste it so in it I did go.
Mrs Bard appeared, a tornado at the door,
“You’re sitting in the ‘effin bath while there’s water on my floor!”
“Don’t you worry dear,” I said while gently yawning,
“There’s no need to panic, will ring the plumber in the morning.”
With a slam of the door and some cutting words for me,
Along with the dog I slept on the settee!

The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

Frank the Duck!

Posted on May 22, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Taking in abandoned birds can be emotionally difficult. Whereas Ducky-Wucky and Darren were straightforward, Frank turned out to be challenging…

I rescued a duck the other day,
Was a sweet as sweet can be,
I caught it some grubs and beetles,
That I managed to get from a tree!

I made it a nice little house,
Complete with a carpeted stair,
I wanted to make a miniature bed,
Only managed a small armchair!

I took it to the library,
It came with me to the bank,
I wondered what to call him,
He ended up as Frank!

I fed him lots of duck food,
He managed to get quite fat,
But today Frank’s gone away,
I think he’s with the cat.

The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

Sky at the Boot Sale!

Posted on May 21, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I hadn’t noticed how many dogs come to the boot sale until it was pointed out to me on Saturday. It has become a like a ‘doggy coffee-shop’ where pooches and their owners meet and chat! This week I met boot sale regular Sky and his mummy…

Every week without fail,
Sky brings mum and dad to the car boot sale,
He dashes around from stall to stall,
Unless you throw a bouncing ball.
If for some reason he cannot attend,
He sends his parents around the bend,
He whines and squeaks at the door,
Until they can’t take any more.
During the week they walk him elsewhere
But come Saturday they wouldn’t dare!
He tells his friends in the park,
“You really must try this car boot lark!”

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

Lonely Old Gnome!

Posted on May 19, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

The other day I came across a garden gnome sitting alone on a bench. As it was lunchtime and the weather was pleasant, I offered him a sandwich. He ignored me. I asked him about his life. Again I was shunned. It was only when he refused a can of soft drink that I noticed that he seemed to be covering something with his hands. I made my excuses and left…

There’s a lonely gnome that I know,
Sits on a bench come rain or snow.
With little green coat and small brown shoes,
His job in life is to amuse.
I think his name might just be ‘Farber’,
His long grey beard could do with a barber.
If you observe him for a while,
You might just see his winsome smile.
His fishing rod’s long since gone,
The pose he strikes looks very wrong!
If you know of a lady gnome (or wench),
Send her along to Farber’s bench!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues this morning at 7am! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

Shopping Wrong!

Posted on May 18, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

With grateful thanks to the wonderful staff at St Neots Waitrose where shopping is always a joy never a chore.

Have you ever been ‘shopping-wrong’? You know what you have to buy, you may even have a list, but the devil distracts you and you return home with anything but sensible. Mrs Bard despairs of me as I am sorely tempted by displays weighed down with temptation…

Mrs Bard sent me shopping,
To get a thing or two,
“Get something for our supper
What you buy is up to you.”

“What would you care for, dear,”
I asked with great concern,
I’d been ‘shopping-wrong’ before,
You can’t say I don’t learn!

“Anything, whatever, doesn’t matter,
Just do your very worst!
But nothing clothed with batter,
And for heavens sake no Bratwurst!”

Before I went into the shop,
A speech I gave myself,
Ignore the special offers,
Leave sweet things on the shelf!

The devil stood beside me,
As I gazed at a large display,
Anything that could tempt me,
Was Special Offer today!

Twiglets, Wine Gums and Eclairs,
Licourice Allsorts too,
Chocolate biscuits in a Jubilee tin,
All shouting “We Love You!”

I loaded up the trolley,
At home stowed it away,
It’s now hidden in the garage!
We had a takeaway!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues tomorrow!
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 07

The Trouble with Termites in Baldock!

Posted on May 17, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I would like to thank the kind person who suggested that my blog was worse than termite poo (censored version). It’s always most encouraging when you are attempting to be creative to know that you have such a supportive audience. Nevertheless I consoled myself with the reassurance that we don’t get termites in the UK, let alone Baldock…

I drove to Baldock yesterday morning,
The day was cloudy, with sun,
I parked in the market to go to the bank,
And thought to myself, ‘this is fun’!

A man in sheer terror started shouting,
“For God’s sake don’t go down there,
They’re running amok in the library,
They’ve got the librarian caught by the hair!”

Somebody else was shouting,
His hair was wet and was lank,
“I was in the barber’s chair early,
They came into there from the bank!”

A weeping bride stood on the pavement,
her dress was all stained with green,
“Their leader gave me a slobbery kiss,
He’s coming back to make me his queen!”

The sweet shop was utterly deserted,
The baker’s was all empty too,
The butcher surveyed his now-empty shop,
“They didn’t listen, when they came, I said Shoo!”

I approached the Library with caution,
I could hear a strange rustling sound,
When I looked in through the doorway,
There was sawdust-like mess on the ground.

Giant termites were working through fiction,
Already eaten the books from abroad,
One had hold of a pensioner,
While one munched with delight on a board

Their hairy leader (called Yerodump),
Turned to me with a sneer,
“It’s all your fault for your writing!
Without your crap rhymes we wouldn’t be here!”

I faced up to the horrible creature,
“You smell so much worse than a rat!”
With head bowed he started to tremble,
“No one’s ever informed me of that!”

He let go of the librarian’s tresses,
Said “Come on chaps, we really must go,”
Last I heard they were all surviving,
On benefits, in a tower block, down in Bow!

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday! 
www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074

The Greener Grass…!

Posted on May 16, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

At the car boot sale last Saturday I was talking to Andrew who is part of the daily commute to an office in London. He was bemoaning his ‘lot’ in life. I thought of him yesterday when the wind was blowing hail and rain around the yard and down my neck! Sometimes the grass may seem greener…

Andrew told me…
I spend all week in an office,
My brain is closing down ,
What I really need is fresh air ,
Not the stale sort up in town.

I take the ‘Sardine-Special’,
From Baldock every day,
My job is doing my head in,
There must be a better way!

I don’t see my kids in the mornings,
Don’t tuck them in at night,
My wife is a weekly stranger,
This lifestyle can’t be right!

Can’t wait for Saturday mornings,
Find a bargain and beside,
Munch a bacon roll whilst wandering,
In the glorious countryside.

© Baldock Bard
The Baldock Bard is now on FACEBOOK!
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues next Saturday! 

www.u-boot.co.uk
BootLine: 07852 707 074