Matteo’s Big Meal!

Posted on August 27, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

We have an Italian friend called Matteo who is very fond of curry. A former junior cycling champion and pole vaulter, he is also very tall and according to his wife, takes a lot of filling! His Mama would be so disappointed at his reaction to one of her nation’s favourite dishes…

Matteo Simcockoni is hungry again,
He asks his wife what’s for tea?
She replies that due to his size,
He’d better just wait and see!

Though he repeats at differing times,
The answer remains as before:
“There’s only cannelloni to fill your bellyoni,
There’ll be plenty if you want some more!”

He wants to go down to the Indian,
Where they do a fine curry with sauce,
At the end of the day he’d rather just say:
“Could eat cart as well as the horse!”

“Very well dear’” he eventually said,
(For food his stomach did pine),
“I think you’re right and just for tonight,
Cannelloni would suit me just fine!”

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
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The Floating Swan!

Posted on August 26, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

I have never quite seen the attraction of bird-watching. However this morning I watched mesmerised as a swan floated down the river. It was oblivious to boats, rowers and fisherman as it floated past, fast asleep! The more I watched this graceful bird, the more it served to highlight the futility of certain human obsessions…

A single sleeping dreaming swan was floating down the river,
What are its innermost thoughts and will its dreams deliver?
Will it meet a mate and father offspring too?
Or possibly fly away from here and visit Timbuktu?
Will it go for ‘A’ Levels and possibly a good degree?
Or float through life’s many options on the basis of “we’ll see!”
Will it get promotion? (at the River Bank!)
Or receive a staged award and give a speech to thank?
Will it eat a gourmet meal prepared by Chef Rick Stein?
Or sit down to a salad and a decent choice of wine?
Will it wear the ‘latest look’? (so long as it is white!)
Or buy a great big plasma screen to watch some TV shite?
Will it choose a fortnight on a beach in sunny Spain?
Or happy in St Neots with some cloud or chance of rain?

Or is it just dreaming of winning ‘Britain’s Got Talent’?
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
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Dirty Dogs!

Posted on August 25, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

What could be more enjoyable than a pleasant walk through woodland after painting a room? Yesterday we celebrated the unseasonal weather with a ramble through the woods with dogs exploring. The coolness of the shade and the freshness of the morning combined with a fragrance that fabric-conditioner manufacturers could only dream about…

Yesterday after painting we took the dogs for a run
A pleasant August morning with nothing but bright sun
We walked through the woods, the dogs ran on ahead,
A terrier rolled in something that was obviously very dead!
Now our friends have spaniels, who really shouldn’t oughta,
Be walked by a pond, ditch or any kind or water!
Woody, he is ginger, not blessed with common sense,
Took to the water with a splat just by the wooden fence!
The water level was shallow rather like a moat,
He came out with black stuff covering his coat!
Back home in the yard, it was just as well,
The tap was turned on two fowl dogs to ease the awful smell!
Just for a while, of the two dogs we were not fond,
Next time we have a summer walk, we’ll just avoid the pond!
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues this morning at 7am! 
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Crafty Decorators!

Posted on August 24, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

What do you do when you have some decorating to do and time is limited? You either use the Amish method where everyone gathers to ‘build a barn’ (in this case paint a room) or you look in your newsagents window…

Mrs Bard was onto my case:
“This room needs freshening up,
I know you’re busy doing farming,
Your excuses are winding me up!”

I looked in the newsagent’s window
Handwritten card – ‘that is the one!’
For all your quality painting:
You need us – Farver and Sun!

They arrived by car in the morning,
Picked up brushes really quite soon,
By lunchtime they’d finished the ceiling,
The whole room by late afternoon!

Stan liked his tea without sugar,
Fred liked coffee not tea.
Twenty-three mugs later,
They’d not even stopped for a pee!

Mrs Bard was over-excited,
“The colour suits the room well,
They’ve only used a third of the paint,
Tell me, what’s that very strange smell?”

With grateful thanks to Tony and Lexi for adding to our Amish Synchronized Painting Team, we’ll definitely call you again!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
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The Grain Samplers!

Posted on August 23, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

A key part of harvest is the testing of the grain to ensure it finds the right market. Our Co-Operative, Fengrain, employs students to collect the samples from the farms. In the past, such students were nicknamed ‘Corn Dollies’, but of course this term has become obsolete in these enlightened times…

Katie is a student, studying hard for a good career,
International Marketing, in Leeds (or somewhere near),
How to deal with farmers, the summer she had planned,
As she travels around the regions farms, grain spear tight in hand!
Rebecca, her sister, keeps the samples clean,
I hope she gets some credit, otherwise that would be so mean!
All the samples taken, they head off in the van,
So the results can be formalised, as quickly as they can.
The lab test for Hagberg, stretch-ability of the dough,
Moisture, screenings, protein, all we need to know.
Selling wheat isn’t easy, especially due to rain,
Sampling is a vital part of the food-producing chain!
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues on Saturday morning at 7am! 
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Goodbye Faithful Friend!

Posted on August 22, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday the insurance company came to remove my burnt-out Isuzu (see Bard passim: http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=1064). When it had gone I took a moment to contemplate, not only what a good car it had been but also what sights it had seen! Maybe I’m getting to be a sentimental old fool but I was sad to see it go…

They came and took my burnt Isuzu away,
It was a sad moment I’m bound to say,
They winched it up onto the lorry,
And all I could think to say was: “Sorry!”
It had been a part of the family for a number of years
The screeching of belts, crunching of gears,
Been up to the North and down to the West,
I began to remember the times that were best:

We once took it by Eurotunnel to France,
A security check was more than a glance,
They opened with haste the rear double-door,
From my coat shotgun cartridges all over the floor!
The supervisor called was not really mad
“You must be a farmer, just like my dad!
Now you’d better be gone or you’ll miss your train,
And don’t you dare bring cartridges through here again!”
Each week it’s takes the loos down to the boot sales,
Lugged loads of furniture all the way from South Wales.
It’s helped move some friends a mile down the road,
Their trailered possessions like a refugee load!
And now it has gone, to be sold off for scrap,
I know it’s a car but it’s been more than that.
It’s replacement may be shiny, showroom-style clean,
But it won’t be the character this Isuzu’s been!
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
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Fiji’s Finest Water!

Posted on August 21, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

There are some changes in life that hit you like a brick and some that creep up unnoticed. I have never let food miles question what went into my trolley at the supermarket, or so I thought…

I went to the shop to buy some water,
Because I needed a drink,
And there on the shelf I found a bottle,
That made me step back and think.

The bottle of water was from over the seas,
Ten-thousand miles away,
Takes twenty-one hours and more to get there,
For a litre of water, £1.54 to pay!

I looked at the bottle it was so pretty,
But who was benefiting most?
Did any money filter back to the Islands?
Or just company profits to post?

I went to the website I found by Google
Their H.Q. in L.A. can be found
They help the Islanders through paying for projects
And promoting the water from under the ground.

So it looks as if everything’s OK,
I can drink the water guilt-free.
I have to say it tastes very fresh,
And all that in the end suits me!

© Baldock Bard 2012

For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
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The Temporary Office!

Posted on August 20, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Amongst the many e-mails I receive from this blog every day, there can be some bizarre requests and accusations. There is a woman in Wisconsin who is convinced that I’m her cousin as he is the only one who could have known ‘her story’ that I wrote! A correspondent from Yorkshire was aggrieved that I failed to give his transport company a mention whilst mentioning a competitor. This week E.L. from California wants a picture of my office so she can discover if surroundings affect the quality of writing – I couldn’t possibly comment…

No more sitting in my temporary office,
I’ve put the chair and ‘desk’ away,
My wheat harvest is now finished,
In the darkness – Saturday.

No more dust in the grain store,
I must clean the Macbook Pro,
Supper eaten after midnight,
Helps to slim a fat torso!

No more hanging on every word,
The forecaster has to say,
The horror of “some scattered showers”,
Or “rain due sometime later today!”

The value of the crops is rising,
Drought affects the whole Mid-West
Russia’s tonnage seriously down,
More expensive food to digest!

Higher prices bode well for profit,
However I can’t tell,
Because everything else will rise in price,
Not just the crops that I can sell!
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues on Saturday morning at 7am! 
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Uncle Bill’s Search

Posted on August 18, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Last week Bill Thomas died. For well over twenty years and up to his final breath he didn’t know if his only child, Jamie (now possibly in his mid-fifties), was alive or dead. Every avenue of searching had been exhausted and his death ended many years of unbelievable grief…

Uncle Bill died last week
Spent so much time trying to seek
His son he’d not seen for many a year
It’s horrific when loved-ones disappear
He’d exhausted all the normal routes
Salvation Army and men in suits,
And so last week he passed away
Not knowing if Jamie was alive that day

Phone, text or e-mail an offspring or special person today (or better still, say face to face along with a hug) these two simple words “LOVE YOU” in memory of Bill Thomas.
Please pass on this link so others may do so too:
http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=1071
Thank you.

250,000 people go missing each year in the UK.
The Salvation Army deserve all our thanks and support for their selfless work on our streets. www.salvationarmy.org
Missing People is a UK charity that provides a lifeline and supports families and friends. www.missingpeople.org

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues on Saturday morning at 7am! 
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Rescuing Rat-Nav!

Posted on August 17, 2012 by The Baldock Bard.

Nothing exciting happens during harvest-time mornings. We clear up in the grain store from the night before and check the moistures of crops in the fields to see which will be harvested that day. In my trusty Isuzu Trooper I have a furry rat given by my daughter and christened ‘Rat Nav’ (see Bard passim: http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=718). Yesterday morning looked like a very ordinary day. Little did I know that smoke, flames and a fire engine were about to shatter the peace…

I drove to the field to test some wheat,
Things hadn’t gone well and I needed to eat,
I did a test in three of the fields,
Wondering if we’d harvest any good yields.
As I drove back across the stubble,
Steam rose from my bonnet, I was in trouble!
I looked at the gauges and gave them a poke,
It wasn’t steam, it was smoke!
I crossed the road with a squeal of tyre,
The smoke now billowed like a leaf bonfire,
I drove into the yard, stood on the brakes,
‘That sounds like the crackling, a real fire makes!’
I grabbed the moisture tester and a bunch of keys
When I heard a little voice: “Save me please”
I returned once more to the burning pyre
And pulled poor Rat Nav from the fire!
“I know I’m a rat and not a mouse,
but you’ve just destroyed my silver house!”
Just at that moment firemen appeared,
“That’s well alight, just as we feared!”
I quickly passed Rat Nav to my daughter,
Man holding toy doesn’t seem as it oughta!
With fireman gone, I gave the rat an assurance
“We’ll replace your home, we’ve got insurance!”
She tossed her hair, “Doesn’t bother me!”
“I’m off to live, on your JCB!”
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above 
The Baldock Car Boot Sale’s 20th anniversary season continues tomorrow morning at 7am! 
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