Ayesha and Marlee – The Wedding!

Posted on October 24, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

There comes a time in life when all sorts of events serve to highlight the ageing process. One particular event is the marriage of your children’s friends. You know their age, however there is a part of your shrinking brain that still sees them as the age you first knew them! Yesterday (ten-year-old!) Ayesha was married to Marlee on the island of Malta…

Ayesha Visram,
went forth to the altar,
With fiancée Marlee,
on the Island of Malta.
They were wed,
At the Raddison Blu,
Looking over the sea,
Where they said “Yes I do!”

Miss Visram’s missed school,
For her wedding day,
The children all miss her,
As she is away.
Soon after half-term,
She’ll return heaven-sent,
They’ll find that Miss Visram,
Is now Mrs Dent!

Many congratulations to Ayesha and Marlee.
May happiness, love and joy be yours always.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
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Wheelmarks Across The Land!

Posted on October 23, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I had a phone call from a neighbour reporting a worrying incident. Apparently someone had driven across some recently-drilled wheat in a straight line until they reached the top of the hill, at which point they chose a diagonal line towards a hole in the hedge. They then turned the vehicle around and returned. I had to agree that this was strange behavior…

“Someone’s driven across your field,
In a Four-by-Four!
They got in through a hole in the hedge,
No wheel marks were there before!”
T’was very muddy where they turned,
At the top of the field,
Will the crop recover,
Or will you lose some yield!”

“That sounds terrible,”
I had to agree,
Didn’t have the heart to say,
The driver – that was me!
During the call,
I withheld a laugh,
I had only been reinstating,
An in-crop local path!

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
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The Joys of Tillage!

Posted on October 22, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was speaking to a neighbouring farmer the other night and he said, “There’s something very satisfying about tilling the soil.” I have to admit that up to that moment I’d never considered cultivation as being ‘satisfying’ as we’re normally up against the clock or the weather and have no time to consider its merits…

I was ploughing the other day,
Before the Hurricane came our way.
For a while I listened to Radio Two,
Then looked around for something to do!
I wasn’t entirely concentrating
In places it looked like rotavating!
The real problem was that it showed,
The very worst ploughing can be seen from the road!

The Bird Watchers!

Posted on October 21, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was enjoying a quiet walk around the farm the other day with my dog. I was calling my faithful hound when suddenly somebody shouted, ‘ssssssssh!’ It was a twitcher and apparently I’m supposed to be deadly quiet when walking on my own land well away from the footpath. This is in case some busy-body trespasser is watching tweety-birds. Needless to say I was not amused and suggested a storage place for his tripod…

Porky and Panda are Twitchers,
They search for the rarest bird,
They’re sometimes economical with the truth,
Use Photoshop I’ve heard!
However last week they scored a hit,
Saw a bird that’s oh-so rare,
Nobody believes they saw it,
“It’s the truth, I saw it, I swear!”
So now they carry a camera,
Tripods, binoculars too,
And if you challenge their sightings,
They’ll tell you noisily to ‘Shoo!”

The photo is merely a serving suggestion, not in any way related to bird-watching, but a couple of innocent surveyors mapping out the route of a new motorway near Slough.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Returns Saturday April 11^th 2015
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Free Gift!

Posted on October 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was shopping yesterday when a magazine caught my eye. Inside the plastic covering was a wonderful FREE GIFT! Despite being the worlds worst cook I just had to buy it. When I returned home I complained that the spatula had made me do it…

I bought my wife a spatula,
The magazine with it was free,
She was impressed with the recipes,
The utensil was just for me!

I wanted to use the spatula,
To clear cake mix from the bowl,
The finished cake was much smaller,
Had become a mini Swiss Roll!

When my mother used to do baking,
I’d always stay very near,
In order not to waste mixture,
It would end up from mouth to ear!

What will happen in future?
With no free gift on the net,
We’ll have to use our fingers,
In a way we might yet forget!

The Sentencing

Posted on October 18, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday I sat in the public gallery of a Crown Court as a convicted paedophile received his sentence. His actions and the hurt to children (now grown adults), that he caused, are too horrific to mention. The very fact that he showed no remorse or sorrow would have sent Judge Bard reaching for his black wig…

The evil that men can do,
In the search for self-gratification,
Makes me sometimes feel ashamed,
Of my very gender.

To have to hear such horrific evidence,
Day upon day,
Week upon week,
Must surely erode,
The heart, soul and faith,
In human nature,
Of those who have to listen.

When the world wakes up this morning,
It is safe in the knowledge,
That a disgusting man,
Has 2,920 more mornings,
To wake in a cell.

May Vincent Mitchell, 82,
Convicted paedophile,
Rot In Peace.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October 18^th
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

The Band of Comforters!

Posted on October 17, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

When you were little did you have a toy, blanket or even piece of cloth you couldn’t be without? My granddaughter has a monkey. She is the most precious thing in her world. There are also two reserves, but they fail to make the grade, are immediately identified as being ‘not the one’ and rejected. The ‘Chosen One’ reigns supreme…

I see a monkey swinging from a tree,
She’s a very special monkey, one of three!
Sometimes she hides, just to be bad,
There’s one big panic waiting to be had!
My granddaughter spends her time sucking the tail,
If Monkey were missing then sleep would not prevail!
So in reserve (but not quite the same),
Are the two other monkeys who share her name!
So here’s to all comforters for the job they do,
They’re loved, abused, down trodden, but still love you!

Writer’s Tears!

Posted on October 16, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

“Oh, look there’s a squirrel!” is a phrase that a friend uses to describe my attention span. Whilst not particularly worried by this trend, it does sometimes manifest itself when I’m attempting to write and I have to force myself to get on with the job in hand. This morning squirrels are all around and not even the loudest ‘shoo’ will make them leave…

There are some mornings when words don’t come,
I sit at my computer and I feel dumb!
Looking through photos to get inspiration,
Hoping to find some configuration!
This morning is one of those occasions,
When my mind is full of irrelevant invasions;
Should I move beans, oats or wheat?
Or clear out my car and clean the back seat?
For now I’ll make myself a brew,
and then get rid of a squirrel or two!

The Murmuration!

Posted on October 15, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was driving past the field where I hold Saturday car boot sales the other day when something caught my eye. At a glance it looked as if the electricity wires had thickened. I pulled into the field and realised it was hundreds of starlings congregating on the wires…

Hundreds of birds sitting on the wires,
They are starlings, so it transpires,
They’re named ‘Sturnus Vulgaris’ (by those in the know),
Which sounds rude, but I don’t suppose is so!
Most gregarious, often found in a crowd,
(probably around a bar, acting very loud!).
They used to eat for free from the farmer’s barn,
Authorities now view their presence with alarm.
They’re now common in a pub quiz causing consternation,
When they’re in a group, they’re called a ‘murmuration.’

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above
Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale
Every Saturday until October 18^th
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

We Plough the Fields and Scatter 2014!

Posted on October 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Many years ago I attended a school harvest festival in a local church. Parents and children waited for the vicar to arrive… waited and waited. He finally arrived laden with shopping bags having obviously forgotten the engagement. During the interlude I bided my time by writing my version of the hymn ‘We Plough the Fields and Scatter.’ In the intervening twenty-odd years it was lost to the mists of time.
On Sunday morning we held a very agricultural harvest festival in our barn and the vicar was early! So early in fact that I was still in my overalls and work clothes and so had no time to write a new version. However Monday was torrentially wet, so settle down in your pew, open the service sheet and prepare to sing our first hymn…

We plough the fields and scatter,
With ‘help’ from the bossy EU,
They interfere in everything,
And tell us what to do!
They don’t know what a sheep is,
Of crops they’ve no idea,
They’re in the middle of intro-ducing,
More rules for us next year.

All paperwork surrounds us,
Is sent electronically now,
So thank all those in Bru-u-ssels,
That know not pig nor cow!

Emissions from our combines,
Are very bad indeed.
Many chemicals are banned now,
Putting at risk the seed.
We are all going backwards,
We’ll soon grown nothing at all,
They’ll shout hooray, on the day,
UK farming goes to the wall.

Rules and regu-la-tions,
Follow us wherever we farm,
Due to ageing fa-r-mers,
We can’t hear the alarm!

Those who’re farming near towns,
Are planting lots of bricks,
They keep their heads above wa-ter,
With a handsome cash-flow fix!
Wind and rain can’t hurt them,
Of drought they’ve no idea,
If they find themselves in trouble,
They’ll sell more land next year!

All neighbours that surround us,
Can’t stand the smell of muck!
It affects the price of pro-p-erty,
And they might come unstuck!

We thank our major superstores,
For screwing farmers dry,
They also rob their cust-o-mers,
They don’t really have to try.
They have lots of offers,
Our trolleys to augment,
They make profit on a loaf of bread
Of at least 1000 percent!

Our government doesn’t understand us,
Why should they even try?
When everything can come from abroad,
And farming’s left to die!

AMEN!