The Bard goes to a show!

Posted on January 23, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Yesterday, son-in-law John and I visited the agricultural show, LAMMA, at Peterborough. Even the long queues to enter the showground didn’t deter us from having a cracking day. We saw lots of highly polished tractors and the only mud in evidence was in the car parks, making us thankful for our 4×4. All in all a great show…

We had a great day looking all around LAMMA,
For farmers like us it’s the epitome of glamour!
Some like Ferraris all polished and clean,
Others like a John Deere (they’re the ones that are green!)
Some like a yacht that sails the high sea,
But all Farmers want to see is the new JCB!
Some like a girl who can make a clear pass,
Others love a combine, that’s made by Claas!
Some like an old car with an ash-wooden chassis,
Whereas farmers crowd round the new tractor from Massey!
Some farmers like machinery, that’s painted blue,
(That is New Holland between me and you!)
Some like a pussy that sits by the fire,
Farmers like a Cat with tracks not a tyre!
Some farmers have bank accounts behind many a door,
While others dream of winning in a lottery draw!
Some queue on the motorway in an old battered truck,
While others use a helicopter, look down and say ‘f*ck!’
But most of the visitors who were there yesterday
Say thanks to the organisers “we had a great day!”

Facebook: Baldock Bard
Twitter: @baldockbard
E-mail: baldockbard@www.baldockbard.co.uk
The Baldock Boot Sale is now closed for the winter
returning for the twenty-second season on April 26^th 2014
With more FREE parking and billions of bargains!
www.u-boot.co.uk

Off To LAMMA at Peterborough!

Posted on January 22, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Son-in-law John and I are having a rare day out. We are going to join up to 40,000 other farmers at LAMMA, an agricultural machinery show at the Peterborough Showground. This year is the first year that it’s come south from Lincolnshire in its thirty-two-year history. We wish it great success in its new home…

We’re off to a farming show called Lamma.
We won’t need a crowbar, toolbox or spanner,
It’s fifty-five minutes up the A1,
For us down south, a nice straight run!
There’ll be tractors, combines, all polished machines,
No muddy wheels, all tweed and jeans!
But before we can leave, out for a treat,
We’ve got to load a lorry on the farm with wheat!
This will dampen our enthusiasm somewhat,
It’s all got to go before we spend a lot!
So if we see an expensive piece of kit,
We’ll be reminded of how we’ll pay for it!
Our time won’t be wasted as it may seem,
Its great fun to visit, look, plan or dream!

http://www.lammashow.co.uk
@lammashow
#LAMMA14

The Delivery (culmination of seven months!)

Posted on January 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

On the farm there are some jobs that score less than one out of ten! However there are some jobs that may look as if they are heading for such a score, but just before the final whistle can leap to an eight or nine! Delivering hay is mostly a pleasure as it is not only a pleasant drive out, but also the culmination of hard work back in the summer and careful storage up to now. Yesterday son-in-law John and I delivered to a local stable yard. To see horses happily tucking into hay that we successfully cut, turned, turned again, rowed up, baled, carted, stacked, stored and delivered can bring quite a buzz…

Monday morning time out for a ride,
To deliver hay for horses outside,
We loaded the trailer with sixty bales,
And roped the back in case stacking fails!
Off we drove along the road,
Keeping an eye on the precious load,
Until we reached the stable yard,
Reversed to the shed, that was not hard!
Then came the sweat of stacking each bale,
(To make extra sure the stack didn’t fail).
After humping those bales John felt quite shaky,
So tried his hand at a spot of Reiki!
For top quality hay at reasonable prices in the North Herts/Mid Beds/Cambs area, look no further than us!
Contact details below.

www.u-boot.co.uk

Considerate Parking Enforcement!

Posted on January 20, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

On Saturday Mrs Bard and a friend needed to visit a specialist cookery shop. I parked in the car park in St Neots, Cambridgeshire, fetched a ticket and waited for them. I witnessed an unusual sight. Maybe it was the lack of faux-military uniform and cap, but I witnessed an unexpected humanitarian act worthy of a Gold Star…

I was sitting in a car park, waiting for my wife
Who had popped to a shop, I think to buy a knife!
I noticed some movement, from the corner of my eye,
The parking attendant was on the prowl, not guilty was I.
I picked up the ticket from on top of the dashboard,
And waved it in her direction, as she stood by a Ford!
I went back to what, I’d been doing all along,
My gazed drifted back to her, something was wrong!
She peered through a windscreen and then slowly turning,
Looked around the car park for anyone returning,
Then as a last resort when nobody could she see,
She ticketed the car, I was glad it wasn’t me!
I walked over when she’d gone, this unusual act to view,
And noticed that the ticket was thirty minutes overdue.
There are many bad stories where parking is concerned,
But give this lady a gold star, respect has been well earned!

The Baldock Bard Gold Star is an occasional award when somebody or an organisation does something outstanding in their field and deserves commendation.
Previous Winners:
June 9th 2013 – Staff at the 3 Store, Stevenage
Nov 7th 2012 – Belinda at the Deli counter, ASDA Stevenage

Boris (Baldock’s bendy bus!)

Posted on January 18, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I have seen some strange sights in my hometown. Christmas lights burning brightly many days after Twelfth Night, a man sitting on a town centre bench in the snow eating a sandwich and a diligent road-sweeper sweeping the pavement on a Sunday morning. However last week I was surprised to see a bendy bus…

I saw a bendy bus in Baldock,
I thought to myself ‘That’s strange’
I knew they were once in London,
But that’s well out of range!
I was almost tempted,
To hop on for a ride,
But knowing my luck I’d be stranded,
This side of Rotherhithe!
I’ve never travelled by Bendy,
I wonder what it’s like,
Do you have to lean into the turn,
Just like on a children’s trike?
I stopped and stared and wondered
If in fact these were dreams,
Because sometimes here in Baldock,
Things ain’t just what they seems!

For non-UK readers: Bendy buses were introduced in London in 2002. Following complaints in 2008, mayoral candidate Boris Johnson pledged to rid the Capital of them and the last one left the streets in December 2011. Many were exported to Malta where (according to the Guardian 13/12/11) “they are driving Maltese round the bend.”

Gary’s Big Earth Give-away!

Posted on January 17, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I bought a large bag of crisps recently and noticed to my delight that not only was there a competition to win farmland on the packet, but also every purchaser was already a winner! I was so excited I almost rang our local machinery dealer to order extra machinery for this unexpected increase in acreage…

Hurrah, Hurrah! I’ve won some land,
To expand my farm,
it wasn’t planned!
I went out shopping the other night,
Bought a bag of crisps,
had quite a fright!
Gary Linaker’s gonna give me some earth,
Has he any idea,
of what it’s worth?
He doesn’t know yet but he’ll be sore,
It’s very valuable,
they not making more!
So I think I’ll have ten acres near Welwyn,
The owner doesn’t know
…I’ll let Gary tell him!

Unfortunately the packaging was disposed of before I had time to check my lucky code. However all credit to Walkers for their unique and tempting competition.

© Baldock Bard 2014
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above  

Behind Closed Doors (one shoe in the gutter)

Posted on January 16, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I was reading yesterday about a famous couple going through difficulties in their relationship. The article focused on their war of attrition as told by an ‘insider’. I wondered how far warring couples could go before a demilitarized zone fence was built. I was quite surprised at the offensive strategies surrounding the 49th Parallel. This is fiction – do not try this at home, put away the tongue and step away from the argument…

When in an argument Monique held sway,
Something of hers Francois threw away!
First a dress, of which she said, ‘je t’adore,’
Then a favourite shoe flew out of the door!

What he didn’t know, whenever he was mean,
Toilet with his toothbrush she did clean!
This in turn made him run,
To the toilet, (recycling is fun!)

Even the dog would play his part,
When they had guests, a silent fart,
A ‘Muttley’ chuckle when each other blame,
He often played this successful game!

Misty the the cat knew how to play,
Used duvet before litter tray,
So at bedtime a shocking treat,
The first to bed, smeared on their feet!

Last weekend she went too far,
Lobbed the keys to his brand new car.
As a result he was ultra-mean,
Mixed her hair dye, resulted in green!

You’d think no lower could they sink,
She put laxatives in his drink!
He with an eye to get even,
Used chicken stock even though she’s vegan!

But alas this hostility could not last,
With open warfare escalating fast,
When love is prostrate on the floor,
Lawyers queue up to knock on the door!

Who Ate All The Pies?

Posted on January 15, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

Do you ever have one of those days where time vanishes in front of your very eyes? You look up from your computer screen only to discover that in the five minutes since you sat at your desk, four hours have passed! Yesterday I was ambushed by a gang of bloodthirsty acronyms: VAT, SPS, HLS and their notorious leader PAYE-RTI. I was held hostage until lunchtime when I managed to cut through the ropes using the corner of the desk and escape their stranglehold…

I drove down to Baldock in quite a state,
I was off to the bank and I was quite late,
After the bank I went to a shop,
Where some apple pies told me to stop!
“You can’t leave us to the mercy of others,
They’ve already had our cousins and brothers!”
So in my basket they had to go,
Despite my waistline continuing to grow.
When I got home and back to my screen,
They had vanished, nowhere to be seen!
After a long search all around the house,
I had to resort to blaming a mouse!
So if you are propositioned by an apple pie,
They’re all untrustworthy and likely to lie!

For my readers outside the UK: VAT – Value Added Tax, SPS – Single (farm) Payment Scheme, HLS – Higher Level Stewardship (of the countryside), PAYE-RTI – Pay As You Earn – Real Time Information (online tax scheme for employers).

I’ve a Hole in my Wellies!

Posted on January 14, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

We are halfway through January and winter has yet to show its hand. In the last month we have had almost half our annual rainfall. The ditches are full, the fields are saturated and the poor crops are thinking about raising the white flag. Weather forecasters continue to warn of cold fronts which turn out to be mild. Maybe next week…

The ditches around here are filled with water,
January is half gone,
There hasn’t been any really cold weather,
Something must be wrong?

The birds are beginning to think,
That Spring is almost here,
The snowplough still lies undisturbed,
Will we need it this year?

All the old countryside sayings,
About lambs, lions and ducks,
Are so redundant this wintertime,
This global warming sucks!

God’s Gift!

Posted on January 13, 2014 by The Baldock Bard.

I believe that mankind’s greatest attribute is the inability to see oneself without the use of a mirror. Just imagine if we could see ourselves when we are acting the fool, drunk or just having one of those days, we’d never go out in public again. The mirror has one great advantage, it never gives a true picture…

Mirror, Mirror, on the wall,
Who looks like a bloody fool?
Whose hair looks like a broken bale?
That’s on the roadside verge a fail.
Who doesn’t know when to keep mouth shut?
Ends each sentence with a ‘but’.
Who has less talent than a brick?
And sometimes acts like a ‘stupid prick!’
Who has faults he cannot see?
That can’t possibly be me!