The Baldock Bard Saves the Planet!

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Wandering around the shops yesterday I spotted a planet-saving device. Being quite keen to save the planet I made a rare non-chocolate snap purchase – I bought some LED bulbs for the kitchen (there’s quite an incentive because if the planet dies it’s going to take me with it and that from my perspective is a bad thing!). So you can rest easy in your beds tonight, the Baldock Bard is your saviour (heaven help you!)…

Good on me!
I’ve saved the planet,
Or at least,
The Isle of Thanet!
I bet those that live there,
Are real pleased,
Because I installed,
Six LEDs!
On the pack
It says they’ll last
30,000 hours
(3.4 years pass!)
Although they cost,
More than most,
I feel as if,
I’ve saved the coast!
If sea levels,
Keep rising still,
I’ll be grateful to,
Live on a hill!
(Although it would be quite nice if the coast came to us for a change!)

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The Cam-Eee-Lyon Sheet!

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A Canadian company has developed a ‘Harry Potter’ style invisibility cloak. According to recent press reports, the makers apparently claim that their material renders it’s wearers  invisible by bending light waves around them. A rival firm, Scroggins, Scroggins and Pushpast Ltd have developed a similar product in an invisible workshop near Buntingford in the UK. The ‘Cam-Eee-Lyon Sheet’ (pictured above) projects a similar pattern to its surroundings. Some are calling this breakthrough the answer to all those embarrassing questions such as: ‘how did I get a parking ticket when I only popped into the shop for a minute, why is it that Big Foot is only ever seen in movies and why does the vodka evaporate when Stacey is baby-sitting?’ Your ever-intrepid Bard road-tested this latest invention at a secret location…

I’m an invisible presence hidden from the skies,
You can’t even see me, the perfect disguise!
I walk right amongst you, you can’t even see,
I could be beside you or up that tall tree!

I’m riding a Unicorn right up the high street,
I’m stealing your pizza and that’s no mean feat!
I’ve emptied that bottle of great vintage wine
You think that you finished it at some other time!

I relocate objects just as I please,
My favourite: your glasses and of course your car keys!
At night my inventiveness is abundantly clear,
You huddle under your bedclothes and shiver with fear!

I’ve listened in to gossip you share with your friends
It can’t be un-heard how do I make amends?
You always blame me when I wasn’t even there,
It is simply isn’t possible it’s just so unfair!

You suspect I’m to blame because I’m never around,
It’s created suspicion, rumours abound!
I’ve learnt some home truths I wish I didn’t hear,
I’ve now gone and burnt it – I made it disappear!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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A Stable Delivery!

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Yesterday we made inroads into our haystack (see bards passim: http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=784 & http://www.baldockbard.co.uk/?p=917) by delivering a hundred bales to a local stable yard. This we stacked in a stable (with more success than in our own barn!). It was a sunny morning and the view from the high tractor cab on the journey was superb…
We delivered a hundred bales of hay
To a stable not far away
There wasn’t a star
To shine from afar
No wise men carting bales there today!

We drove the roads for a time
The view over hedges sublime
The frost in the lee
Of an ancient oak tree
Pretty seasonal grass-covered in rime!
We stacked the bales in the stable
With skill we knew we were able
The stack was quite tall
We hope it won’t fall
To emulate the Tower of Babel!
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

FOR DELICIOUS HAY
(Local deliveries only)
E-MAIL: baldockbard(at)u-boot.co.uk

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The Errant Dishwasher!

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Kitchen appliances – don’t you just love ‘em or hate ‘em? There they sit under the counter working away unnoticed and unloved until one day they rebel: “Today’s the day! Those un-caring bastards have used and abused me for long enough. This morning they need me more than ever so I’ll show them who’s boss!” You are left peering inside a familiar area with no indication of a fault beyond the obvious evidence of unwashed plates, cutlery, mugs and glassware and a feeling of helplessness…

We can’t call the doctor, we can’t call the vet,
The dishwasher’s poorly the floor is all wet!
Guests for lunch will soon be on the drive,
Washing up needed before they arrive!
I squirted too much Fairy into the sink
The suds always foam more than you think!
I tried the machine without any load,
Pleading and praying to wash I did goad!
All of a sudden I knew it was the drainer,
We’d have to buy a new one it was a no-brainer!
How do you choose when they all look the same?
The colour is standard so there’s only the name!
There’s Alice or Erik or even Betty too,
That would be easy if all you would do!
We went on the Internet to look at what’s there,
The information was sparse it just wasn’t fair!
So it’s to the shops disrupting our plans,
Either that or by Friday – over-soft hands!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Seasonal Deliveries!

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‘Tis the season to deliver, tra-la-lala-la-lala-la-la!
Up and down the country the Christmas rush to deliver many millions of on-line gifts by Christmas Eve has started. Speaking to a delivery driver yesterday, he told me that after a slow start, things were “hotting up rather quickly!” He also compared this time of year to  a farmer’s harvest with the nightmare scenario of arctic weather. However he soon curtailed our chat with “Gotta rush, wanna be home for tea!”…

My mate Stan has a very big van
A very big van has he!
He says “Goodnight” to his wife in the middle of the night
Off to work by three!

Every parcel is a very fine parcel
An important deliv-ery!
There’s no time to spare when he’s almost there
Stan’s rushing home for tea!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Charity Cards!

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Have you received your first Christmas card yet? The first card arrived at Bard Manor on the 27th November (see above!). Every year I promise myself that I’ll be organised and send my cards early. Of course the main incentive to post early is the ability to use 2nd class stamps (now 50p each, up from 36p last April, 1st class now 60p). This year I may just succeed due to quality of the cards I am sending…

I went out and bought Christmas cards,
Prompted by friends on the ball.
Their card arrived ten days ago,
I hadn’t thought of cards at all!

Mrs Bard was not amused,
Called my selection ‘so poor’,
I had to recover my precarious position
Had an idea I’d not considered before!

So now I have some really great cards,
From the Herts Air Ambulance folk.
They landed near here in the summer,
Saved the life of a motorcycle bloke.

Their cards have saved my skin and are AVAILABLE NOW at the remarkable good value £3.95 for 10 cards! That’s cheaper than the stamps. Go on, treat yourself! Your friends and family will be so impressed and you’ll be helping keep a vital service in the air.
Herts Air Ambulance is a life-saving local charity. They receive no government funding and deserve our help. Visit their website today and see how you can hep such a worthy cause! http://www.hertsairambulance.uk.com
© Baldock Bard 2012

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Spring Cleaning in December!

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There has been a frenzied bout of sudden spring-cleaning in North Hertfordshire! A lottery ticket worth £63.8 million was outstanding until the deadline at 11pm last night. This morning there is a lonely scrap of paper somewhere in the area that is now worthless. The benefit of all this frantic searching is that many homes are now unusually tidy…

I’ve been through the house
I’ve been through the car
I’ve been through the garage too!
I’m convinced that I bought
A ticket for the draw
And gave that ticket to you!

I’ve found my car’s log-book
I’ve found my MOT
I’ve found the missing keys as well!
The ticket wasn’t here
And if it does appear
I’ll keep it to myself – won’t tell!

We won’t have that massive house
The car will stay the same
The yacht will not be coming too!
If you’ll put up with me
Annoying as I can be
The only win I’ll need is you!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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Early Christmas Card!

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We’ve had a sudden snowfall overnight of about two inches! Where did that come from? (Don’t answer that as I’m well aware that it comes from the sky!) I hadn’t seen a weather forecast for some days and so it was a surprise. Unfortunately it’s not here to stay and so we’ll soon be left with slush, so we might as well appreciate it while it’s here…

Woke up this morning,
What a surprise!
Tons of icing sugar,
Had fallen from the skies!

Two inches of snow,
Covering everything.
The whole world is silent,
No birds around to sing.

No traffic on the road,
Roaring up and down,
Not an aircraft in the sky,
Nothing at all around!

The snow’s a little bit slushy,
The ground underneath isn’t hard.
Thank you Mother Nature,
For your early Christmas Card!
© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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The Media Event of the Year!

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Please note! Picture posed by cardboard cut-outs that vaguely resemble famous people. Serving Suggestion Only

Just in case you’ve not heard the news – The most important royal event for 30 years has been announced! Whether boy or girl – a guaranteed new heir to the throne! Any responsible parent will have tremendous sympathy for the royal couple as they have been forced to announce the event well before reasonable expectations of an announcement. We can only wish them luck as they face their trial by media, both social and traditional…

The headlines headline
The commentators commentate
It’s a royal pregnancy
For Will and Kate!

All we can do
Is hope and pray
That mother and baby
Will be OK!

In the midst
Of all this fuss
Let’s be grateful
It’s not us!

© Baldock Bard 2012
For more verse click on ‘Home’ above

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A Church by Candlelight!

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On Saturday night our local church held an Advent Carol Service. At a time when apparently religion is on the back-foot and churches are reported as being emptier than before, it was surprising and gratifying to see it full.

Something stirs in the churchyard tonight,
Not ghosts nor ghouls nor anything fright.
Just masses of people climbing the path,
Going to church? Don’t make me laugh!
Inside the church no electric light,
Hundreds of candles burning bright.
The choir sings in harmony with a perfect note,
If they were on ‘X’ Factor they’d get my vote!
There’s been no vicar for over 12 months now,
While the heirachy deliberate, the what, when and how!
I suppose they’ve been busy casting their votes,
Women Bishops? “Nah! We’ll stick with blokes!”
They’re keen on cutting back vicars on the ground,
Administrative centres crowd with desk-bound!
But my one big issue with the church heirachy…
They’ve appointed an Archbishop who’s younger than me!

Meanwhile back in the church the candles still gleam,
There’s no bishop or archdeacon… anywhere to be seen!
© Baldock Bard 2012

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